Elysium
by risokura
Summary: My earliest memory of rising from beneath the murky waters of uncertainty was on a day milked with the soothing light of the late summer sun. AU. Fang/Lightning.
1. aureate dusted basilica

**Disclaimer:** I don't own FFXIII.

-x-

_Elysium_

-x-

**i: aureate dusted basilica **

My earliest memory of rising from beneath the murky waters of uncertainty was on a day milked with the soothing light of the late summer sun. There is no specific memory attached to this moment in my life. What I was doing on that day has long since blurred into my past, eclipsed only by the melancholy I have subjected myself to for so long.

I can only remember a sharp, pointed needle and the long, red and never ending thread pulled through the loop of its oblong hole. There is an agonizing pain as the needle presses itself slowly into the dull heartbeat thumping underneath the skin of my wrist. The thread severs my nerves, ripping through sinew and flesh. Over and over it would wind itself until it completely cut off the circulation in my hand. I never prayed for it to stop. I never asked for reprieve from the pain that it brought. This mangled hand was my atonement for the trouble my existence has caused. For you see, this is simply a metaphor for the sin I have lived with for the last decade of my life.

In the distant past, in a time when I was still known for the name that I was given at the dawn of my birth and my parents were still alive, I can't remember ever explicitly being told that my condition was an abomination. We weren't the most religious family, but my parents were known to dabble in the faith every now and then.

I remember being an idealistic child up until the point where my father died. I never challenged my father when he was still alive. There was a certain amount of obedience that he expected from us even when we were still so young. My sister was too young to remember any events prior to this as I did … but I knew … I knew deep down that he had always seen something in me that challenged the way he knew God intended me to be. But we humans weren't born from God… we were crafted from the blood of the goddess. And perhaps, that's why what my father believed should be considered a fallacy. But God's teachings were always held as absolute. There was no arguing with him over those beliefs.

My father would pass on just as I came to grips with the raging squall of humanity's existence. One person's success was at the expense of another's tragedy. I never understood how I was supposed to have the emotional capacity to feel affinity for another… let alone thousands of people that I would never know or care for. How was I supposed to have compassion for my fellow human when I could never find any for myself? When I knew that this one part of me would never be accepted… _could _never be accepted by another.

It was not to say that both of my parents looked upon me with disgust. My mother accepted me for what I was, even though she knew what troubles laid in my future. She had given birth to me and knew that what I was was no fault of her own or mine. I wouldn't learn this truth until later on in my life as she lay on her death bed, a cold and comforting hand caressing the wrinkles and thin lines from out and around my tightly drawn lips.

_Claire. _She would speak my birth name and reach her hand underneath my chin to tilt my head back so I could look at her. There was a smile on her face. …It was an odd smile that reached the fading warmth in her eyes. It was as if she had finally understood everything in the world.

As I said before, my mother had always known what was wrong with her eldest daughter. They say mother's can tell… they always know when their children are lying to them. They know when something is wrong … but they don't always know when they should push and prod. My mother … she never said anything outright to me. My mannerisms never belied my true feelings. I was always careful to keep myself in check. But I could tell in her looks, in the gazes that she used to give me.

My sister brought home four boyfriends in the span that I brought home none. But my mother was kind and she was patient. And she never pressured me into anything. She was convinced I'd find someone … somewhere out there. _When the time is right_. That's what they always say. When the time is right? The time would never come while she was living, but it would happen somewhere in the years long after her death. I used to think it was a shame she wasn't here to see it. But perhaps, some part of me that still held onto the religion of my youth believed that she still watched on from the heavens.

There was a time when the bells of the Luxerion cathedrals would chime on long through the dawn of every morning. Long after my father had passed, but still before my mother succumbed to her age long sickness. I would wake when the skies were as misty as her eyes and walk through the paved roads to stand at the waterfront. On the third succession of bells, I would cross my fingers in front of my chest and pray. Pray that _this _was the day that I would be fixed. That this affliction… that this _blight _on my eternal soul would part with my being and ascend away from me. Or perhaps, descend into hell where I was told it belonged.

But the reprieve never came. And every day I felt that needle puncture a new part of my already bleeding and bruised hand… and the thread pulled harder and ensnared me a little tighter. And as the sun came to peer over the horizon, I would let my hands fall from in front of my chest and raise my head to face the ever continuing agony that was my birth.

-x-

I kneeled down before my mother's grave; cradling the bouquet of roses I brought every year to my chest. It was a warm day in the middle of June. And even though there was hardly any humidity in the air, my hands were beginning to sweat underneath the plastic covering the flowers. I quelled the need to wipe my hands off on my pants as I leaned forward to place the flowers before her headstone.

"Another year, same old thing, yeah? Not like I was expecting it to be any different this time around."

I glanced over my shoulder to where Fang was standing behind me. She wasn't looking at me and her gaze was lost in the late afternoon sky overhead. She swiped a hand over her brow and shifted so that her hands were on her hips.

"You know you don't have to make the trip every year to come with me." I said, finally capturing her attention so that she looked at me.

"Yeah, I know. But it wouldn't be right just leavin' you to do this by yourself, you know?" She shrugged her shoulders, "What with Serah back all the way down in Bodhum, you can't expect her to come back all the time to visit, yeah?"

I turned away from her, "I suppose you're right. Nonetheless, I appreciate the sentiment."

"See? That wasn't so hard, was it?"

I stood up from the grave and Fang came to stand beside me, "It's been four years already…"

"Time's always flyin'." Fang crossed her arms over her chest, "You seem to be holding up all right, though."

I turned away from the grave site and began walking out of the graveyard. Fang fell into step beside me and we both lapsed into silence. What was I supposed to do? Fall to pieces at my mother's grave on every anniversary of her death? I was twenty four, not twelve. I had dealt with death long enough to know that there was no point in mourning, no sense in crying. Everyone died and returned to this earth in a continuous cycle of rebirth. I should be happy that my mother's suffering had ended and she was reborn anew into a new and peaceful life.

Fang had taken the train up from Yusnaan that morning—a five hour commute that she had committed to at 4AM on this day for the last three years. I was thankful for her company even though I had always been inept at showing it. She understood even when I didn't voice it.

"What else you got planned for the day?" Fang asked.

"Nothing of importance... I was going to go to the cathedral—" I said.

"And what? Go _pray_ again?" She asked, her upper lip furling slightly and scoffing at me. "You've already done enough of that for one day. …How about we go to the usual spot?"

"It's early." I replied.

"It's almost five in the damn evening, Light." She pushed her thumbs down into the pockets of her baggy jeans so that they sagged at her hips, "Come on, one drink ain't gonna hurt ya."

"One drink."

"One drink, I promise." She crossed her fingers in front of her and grinned.

I shrugged my shoulders and sighed. I could always go back to the cathedral after she left the next morning. "Guess it couldn't hurt."

-x-

"I really don't know why you've stuck around in Luxerion for so long, Lightnin'." Fang sighed, crossing one slender leg over the other and leaned back in her seat.

"I prefer to stay here." I replied.

"The only reason you _moved _here is because of your sis—" She paused as she tipped her glass of bourbon to her lips and cleared her throat, "I mean, cause they had better treatment options for your ma's condition. There's nothing to see here. It's boring and stuffy and everyone's always running around prayin' all the god damn time. You always look so damn depressed when I come to see you. Why don't you move back to Bodhum with Serah, huh?"

I glanced wordlessly at her and she rolled her eyes at me. My sister was still a sore subject after all these years.

"Still ain't talkin, eh?" She asked, "How long you gonna hold onto this grudge for, Light?"

"It's not a grudge. I don't _have _a sister." I said, "She died along with my mother."

"Now you're just being stupid." Fang scoffed, slamming her hand so hard on the table that it sloshed the red wine within my untouched glass. "It's been what? Four years? You still holdin' on to nothing when I'm sure your sister has already buried it. She's already afraid of you, what more do you want?"

"Did you bring me here to talk about Serah? Cause if that's the case, I'm going to go home now and you can go back to Yusnaan."

She shook her head, "No, no. I didn't come here to pick a fight with you about your sis… it's just …" Fang sighed, "Light, it's been years. ...I worry about you being here all by yourself."

"It's peaceful here." I replied, glancing at my wine glass. Fang had ordered it for me even though I told her I wasn't in the mood to drink.

"…And no one really _knows _you here, do they?"

"I appreciate my privacy."

"Still holding on to that precious privacy of yours, huh?" She glanced down at her drink and titled her glass so that the ice cubes clinked against the sides. "How's the _writing_ going for ya? Still transcribing and translating all those old, stuffy religious texts?"

"Why must you be so passive aggressive?"

"I'm not." Fang replied, "Just tryin' to get you to see how this life is slowly killing you even though you think you're _living_."

I didn't bother gracing Fang with an answer. We always seemed to argue about the same thing whenever she came to visit. Instead, I finally moved to grasp the wine glass and tipped it to my lips. I didn't drink much, if ever. Only when Fang was in town once every couple of months. I watched the carmine colored liquid edge forward and closed my eyes as I languished in the somewhat bitter, yet sweet taste.

"…What is this?" I asked, tilting the drink glass away from my lips.

"_Elysium." _She said. "Figured you might want something different this time."

"You mean it's named for Elysian Fields? From Greek mythology?" I asked. "The final resting place for the souls of heroes?"

Fang waved her hand at me and pushed her empty glass of bourbon across the table. A waitress swooped by to place it on her tray and sauntered away back to the bar. "I don't know what the hell you're talking about; it's god damn _wine_, Light." She reached her arms over her head and stretched, "Why? You don't like it or somethin'?"

"No, it's fine. Just … different." I took another sip, "…It's sweeter than what I'm used to..."

"Got a bit of a kick to it at the end too, yeah?" She sat up straight again, "Vanille's turned me onto it. I need something to drink in-between all the hair pulling I do when I read my students horrifying papers."

"You're the one who chose to stay in academia. It's your own fault." I sat my wine glass down and fiddled with my signet ring. "…How are things with you and school?"

"Four more bloody years to go if everything goes as planned." Fang replied as she hailed a waitress for a menu. She grunted as she whipped open the lamented surface of the dilapidated relic and glanced up at me, "You don't want anything right?"

"Nothing you'd order."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"…You still take your steak burnt?" I asked.

_"Very _well done." She corrected me.

"You know you do this every time we come here, right?"

She began tapping the old menu against the corner of the table and huffed, "Call me an optimist for hoping they actually change anything in here." Fang looked up at me again, "So. Any new developments in your life? Still biding your time in the cathedral I see."

"It's simple work." I replied.

"Keeps you close to _God, _huh?" Fang asked as she hailed a waiter and flipped open the menu again.

"You can say that."

The waiter came over before Fang could respond. She made a couple of gestures to the menu as the waiter leaned in to listen to her. I took a sip from my glass of wine again. It had gotten noticeably louder since we'd entered the bar. Figures, it was almost six in the evening. Everyone was just getting off work.

As I lowered my glass of wine, I saw Fang crack a grin at the waiter who had placed his hand down on the table. She began making a show of crossing and uncrossing her legs and leaned forward so that her shirt edged down slightly. My patience was wearing thin.

"Are you ordering food or trying to score a date with someone?" I asked.

The waiter immediately regained his senses and pulled his hand away from the table. Fang sighed and turned back to me as the waiter shuffled away and mumbled something about putting in Fang's order.

"…Lightning Farron. The world's ultimate cockblock." Fang muttered, "You get off on killing everyone's joy, don't you?"

"I didn't come out so you could turn tricks."

"That what you call it, eh?" Fang wasn't offended in the least and crossed her arms as she leaned down on the table. "Tell me how's the love life been? Still punching the shit out of your heart with spiked gloves in the boxing ring?"

Fang's obtrusive voice was always enough to drown out the rest of the squabble of the ruffians that surrounded us. Her eyes were intense and slightly furrowed in what I knew was exasperation. When I refused to answer her, she rapped her knuckles against the wood of the table.

"That wasn't really a question for you to think about." She muttered, "I'm waitin' for an answer."

I shrugged my shoulders and set my half empty glass of wine down in front of me. "This isn't a conversation to be having here." I replied.

"Why? You worried someone will hear you talking about sex with one of your best mates?" She picked up the fresh glass of bourbon a waitress had dropped off at our table and brought it up to her lips, "God forbid you ever portray yourself as someone with _needs, _Light. That'd be the end of the world, wouldn't it?"

"That's not it, I—" I shrugged, "I never really considered it to be that important."

"Not that important?" She nearly choked on her drink and gave a loud, disgruntled cough to clear her throat. "I don't get you, Light. You ain't ugly and I'm pretty sure there's a whole load of blokes just waiting to fuck your brains out if you let them."

Her crass way of putting things could be so off putting at times. "I hardly want _anyone_ to fuck my brains out." I said.

"Don't take it so literally." Fang scoffed, "God, I've known you since we were what? Seven? Eight?"

"Four." I corrected her. "Maybe if you didn't drink so much you'd remember these things."

She waved her hand dismissively, "Don't try and change the subject, dammit." She took a sip of her drink and licked her lower lip in thought, "I mean, I know you still have that V card. And I'm not making a big deal about that because that's your deal. You'll lose that when you feel well and ready to and I respect that, but…"

"But, _what_, Fang?"

"I'd think you'd have at least something under your belt when you're bordering the age of twenty five. What gives?"

"Is this why you came to visit me? To discuss the state of romantic life?" Or lack thereof.

She shrugged her shoulders, "I want my best friend to be happy."

"I don't have to be with someone to be _happy, _Fang."

"That's not what I meant, Lightning." She sighed and began rapping her knuckles on the table again. Her food arrived in the space between our silence. Nachos. I should have known. Fang looked up at me and gestured toward the plate, "Hungry?"

"You know I don't eat meat."

"Scrape it off, jeez." She pulled a cheese laden chip from the bunch and shoved it into her mouth, "Look, Light… we ain't getting any younger. I got my own stuff going on and so do you, but it doesn't mean that I worry about you any less. And yeah, yeah. You're a _big _girl, I know you can take care of yourself … but I wonder if you're doing it in the right way."

"You live your life how you see fit and I'll do the same for mine." I said, crossing my arms over my chest and looked away from her.

"You really feel that way?"

"It's not my right to judge anyone for what they do."

"Religion talking for you again?"

"Not like you'll ever believe in it."

"I've told you before, we work best _against _Gods. Not for them." Fang replied, "Can't believe you still adhere to that shit anyway. It's a buncha crap, all of it."

"It's a guiding principle for the way that we should live our lives." I replied, "It might do you some good to actually crack open the scriptures every now and then."

"And what? Read about how I'm going to go to hell? I already know where I'm headin' once this life is over and done for me." Fang laughed, cradling her abdomen in her arm as she began to laugh, "I don't mean to be rude, Light. Really, I don't. But I just can't believe you still hold onto the fairytales they taught us when we were younger. …You don't really believe in any of it anymore, do you?"

"Sometimes people need to believe that something unexplainable, something beyond the scope of human imagination or knowledge exists out there." I replied, finishing off the rest of my wine.

"That why you spend all your time translating those scriptures for the church?"

"Perhaps." I shrugged, "It's a way to bide my time."

"A way to slowly die." Fang muttered, "…You need to find something to do with yourself, Light. I swear, you're going to drive yourself into the ground one day and nothing—no one—is going to be able to pull you out."

"Is it so wrong to be content with a simple life?"

Fang picked up another chip and shook her head, "Not at all. Some people do best with simplicity." She gestured toward me with her hand, "But you. It's not like you're aiming for simplicity. You're aiming to shut the world out."

"That's not it at all."

"Light, outside of me, how many people do you actually keep in contact with?"

She could read the words on my lips even though they were floating idly in the back of my head. _No one_. My parents had both passed on before I hit the age of twenty one and I was estranged from my younger sister because of circumstances in the past that I couldn't forgive her for. ...Couldn't forgive myself for...

I had never really _talked _to people. I always kept to myself and steeled my heart against human contact. Everyone else had fallen by the wayside, but not Fang. She was the one person I had constantly kept in my corner. Why she still put up with me was a god damn miracle.

Fang cleared her throat, "…Listen, Light… I didn't come all this way to rag on ya. Sorry if it feels like I am. You're just too young to be this unhappy and for once I just want you to let me in." She crossed her arms over her chest and leaned back in her chair, "I know this mushy shit never came easy to you, but I think you need a serious break away from this city. You need to go somewhere else to clear your head… find something different to do with your life."

"Fang." I snapped, "I said I was fine here. Why can't you leave it alone?"

"Because you're like a god damn zombie right now!" She slammed her fist on the table and a couple of people sitting over by the bar turned to look in our direction. Fang leaned in and lowered her voice, "You know what you do, Light? You sit around in that god damn cathedral all _damn _day transcribing shit from ancient tomes that no longer have any relevance in present day society. You preach about how it _helps _you, but I've seen it do nothing but _hurt _you." She fingered the rim of her drink, "…And I know why you do it. I've _always _known why you've done it.

"And why is that, Fang? Entertain me as you've been doing for this entire day."

"Your bloody father is _dead, _Lightning. No one is passing judgment on you for feeling the way you do." She shook her head, "Your ma would have never wanted something like this for you. You, along with everyone else knew how much she loved you and Serah. No matter what the two of you did. Just look at what happened when Serah—"

"Don't you say another word, Fang." I said, rising from my seat. "_Don't _you say another word about Serah."

"She's not dead. No matter how much you want to make yourself believe that she is…" Fang trailed off. She glanced down at her unfinished glass of bourbon and the barely eaten nachos in front of her. "…Light."

"Enough. Get the check, Fang. It's time to go." I finally said with a sense of finality that I knew she was tired of fighting.

-x-

We walked along the riverbank just as the sun was beginning to set. Neither of us appeared to be in the mood for talking again. This always happened when Fang came to visit. She was always _worried _about me. Always _concerned_ that I was shutting everyone out. I was never a social person to begin with, but she claimed I'd gotten worse with my mother's passing.

"Why do you always do this?" Fang asked me as she took a seat on a bench near the river's edge. She raised her gaze to the sky, briefly catching a glimpse of sun before it disappeared behind the massive cathedral. _Everything_ in Luxerion seemed to be oriented in the direction of the cathedral. "What's the deal with you and the sun?"

"You rise with the sun, you sleep with the moon." I replied, crossing my fingers over my chest. "I'm merely paying respects to the maker..."

"Etro?" Fang asked, "Can't be Lindzei or Pulse, those crazy ass bastards."

"_Bhunivelze_…" I murmured, "…Well… Etro, too. I suppose."

Fang waved her hand, "_Come, pity poor Etro, she was left all alone. Her blood pouring forth, in Chaos to atone. Queen of nothing, goddess of death - so let her be known. _I'd say you two have a lot in common, Light."

I turned around to face her, "How so?"

"Legends always paint Etro out to be this melancholic deity. Always feeling compassion for humanity and recognizing their faults. Yet, she kills herself because her father wouldn't pay her any attention. She's like this lost child seeking some type of acceptance from someone who will never give it to her. She's always there to guide, but there's never anyone there to guide her when she becomes lost."

"…She's a _goddess, _Fang. How could she possibly be lost?"

"She _killed_ herself because her father viewed her as defective, didn't she? Wasn't it because he thought she looked too much like Mwynn?" Fang shrugged, "She was given the short end of the stick from the moment she was created. Like she was destined to fail in life before she even got the chance to succeed."

"Gods are infallible." I replied, "And Etro found a greater purpose even when Bhunivelze saw nothing in her. Yes, she suffered. But it was for a greater cause and we were created as a result of it. There has to be some type of meaning in the suffering that she endured."

"Not all suffering brings wisdom, Light." Fang replied, "Some shit you go through and nothing good comes out of it."

I lowered my fingers from my chest, "Are you saying I'm suffering for no reason?"

"So you admit it?"

"I didn't admit to anything." I said, "I'm asking what you think."

Fang rose from the bench and pocketed her hands into her pants again. "…I already told you what I think and you didn't want to hear most of it. I repeat myself over and over again hoping that it sinks into your head, but nothin' ever really gets through to you until it's too late…" She began pacing, taking long winding strides behind me, "You wanna know what I think, huh?"

"I'm asking you to tell me, Fang."

She stopped pacing and turned around to look at me, "I want you to stop denying yourself the basic right to _feel, _Lightning. I feel like someone has taken all of your emotions, bottled them into a pretty little mason jar and pushed them up on the highest shelf to rot away for the rest of eternity." Fang turned her attention to the cathedral, "That place is sucking you dry little by little and you can't see it… or maybe you know it and you just want to go on with this whole charade that everything is fine."

"Du Mu, an old Chinese poet once said, '_Too much emotion is like none at all'._" I said, "I won't be a slave to carnal impulse and rage."

"…You mean you won't be human? Is that it?"

"You don't understand, Fang." I exhaled loudly and turned away from her so that I could watch the last dying rays of the sun bathe everything in its blinding, aureate light. "You're not me. You will never _be _me so you can't possibly understand why I have to stay this way."

"You're an _adult_, Lightning." Fang countered, "A young adult whose living like she's at the end of her days. I've never seen someone as young as you are so despondent about … about _everything." _

"Do you know, Fang? Do you know what it's like to sit in a room full of people and feel isolated from nearly everyone that surrounds you?" I asked, "Do you know what it's like to constantly be told that you aren't worthy of living just because of something you can't control? Just because you were created in a way that doesn't fit the mold of what society thinks you should be? I have lived for _years _with this affliction on my soul and I have done _everything _in my power to cure it and it just doesn't go away."

"…But there's nothing wrong with you."

"There _is _something wrong with me." I corrected her as I moved to sit down on the bench, "There has been something wrong with me long before you've known me and there will continue to be something wrong with me until the day that I die. I don't want to die and be committed to an eternity of damnation, Fang. I don't want to live in a constant cycle of rebirth where I try to atone for the sins of my past, only to have them thrown back into my face because I fucked up again in the next life."

Fang went quiet for a long time, her hands on her hips and her eyes cast down toward the ground. I folded my hands within my lap and lowered my eyes away from the blinding light that crashed into and cascaded off of the buildings that surrounded us. It was as if someone was putting a spotlight on me and trying to blind me into submission.

She finally turned to look at me just as I cleared my throat to speak again. "Light."

"What, Fang?"

"…Come with me."

I looked up at her, "Come _where_, Fang?"

She walked over to me, "…Just for the summer. …Come with me back to Yusnaan."

"I can't." I said, "How many times do I have to tell you this."

Fang reached for my hand and shook her head, "Yes. Yes, you can." She lowered her gaze to where her hand overlapped mine, "Light—no, _Claire." _I felt myself bristle internally when she spoke my childhood name, "Claire. This place is _killin' _you. You haven't been the same. You've fallen so far, I don't think you know what's right and wrong anymore."

"But this place helps me, Fang." I said, "It's going to _fix _me. Can't you see that?"

She shook her head again and turned so that she could grab both of my hands, "It's been _years_."

"I know."

"_Years_, Lightning." Fang said, "…Tell me how you've felt in these last few years since your mother passed? You still praying every day, right? Still spending endless hours with those oppressive idiots and you're still the same. Am I right?"

"Fang."

"I'm not going to take no for an answer." Fang said, "_Please_. Just for the summer and then if nothing changes your mind I'll let you come back here and I won't ask you again."

I sighed and pulled my hands away from hers. The sun was almost gone at this point and I knew I'd be facing another sleepless night where I would never be able to close my eyes and ease my breathing. Never able to sink into my bed and let the night envelope me in the way that my mother's arms used to when I was still a child. I would stay awake with a mug of tea clutched between my high strung hands and stare out into the streets beneath my apartment.

I would see them at night. As I sewed the needle tighter into my hand, watching the red thread grow and spin new and winding webs over the last inches of my skin, they would come out underneath the shade of the smiling moon. They weave secrets into the streets of Luxerion, dancing and laughing as they celebrated a folly all their own. They were happy. Men emasculating the other with their presence, women slinging their arms around hips better suited for birthing children.

I shut the blinds before I take another glimpse into their world. The songs of liberation are shut out against the rapidly warming glass of the rising sun. My mug trembles in my hands through the night. It slips from my hands as I press it to my mouth again and the hot liquid scalds my tongue. More pain, more pain, more pain. I sit down at my bed and pray. Hands laced together and bound tight. The sign of redemption is repeated over and over and over again in my mind. I need to feel more pain. I need to offer another sign of penance. I need to get these hands off of me; I need to get these thoughts out of my mind. I need to be normal, normal, normal, normal. _NORMAL_.

I awake on the floor of my bedroom, hands still tightly bound and bleeding. My wrists are sore and my mouth is dry. My head throbs. If I don't get up I'm going to miss morning prayer.

When I open the window that morning, I don't see them anymore. They are gone by the first chime of the cathedral's bell. They resume their normal lives as _normal _people. Their sins still linger over their heads, but no one speaks them in the light of the day. No one talks about what happened _last _night. No one breathes a word of what God will condemn them for. But they know. Everyone knows. Everyone knows and yet they don't say one word.

But, I can see their hands are as brutalized and bloody as my own. I see the markings of shame in their face. I see the stains of tears long since dried streaking down their tired and worn faces. The happiness that they found in the night is dissipated by God's shining light. They will have to pay for their transgressions. We take our places side by side; heads bowed and awaiting our eternal and divine retribution.

It is a never ending cycle. Over and over and over again. The world spins, it turns on and on and on. And I hold on, hands covering my eyes, curled upon the floor of the cathedral praying for it to end. I just wanted to be good. I just wanted to be happy. I just wanted to do what everyone expected of me. I just wanted, I just wanted, I just—

"…Lightning?"

Fang was holding onto my hands again. Hadn't I pulled away?

"What could I possibly find in Yusnaan that I don't have here?" I asked.

"…Me?" Fang tried feebly, "I ain't much to you these days, I know." She found herself laughing, despite trying to be serious about the situation, "But I'm a helluva lot better for you than the clowns in this city. I can tell you that much."

I looked down at her hands and then up at Fang, "It won't work. It's better if I just stay here."

"I'm willing to try." Fang said, "…Just give me the summer, Light. That's _all _I'm asking."

"Just for the summer."

She nodded, "_Just _for the summer."


	2. haunted by time

**A/N: **Child abuse warning from here on out.

-x-

**ii: haunted by time**

I stopped wearing a watch after my mother died.

When I was a child and we still lived in Bodhum, my parents owned a clock shop. Every day during the summer, I used to sit in the back room with my mother as she sat at her work bench. She would always be tinkering with something. From broken pocket watches to grandfather clocks that were in dire need of refurbishing. There was something mesmerizing about watching her work and I was always eager to learn.

My mother used to tell me that watches were useless things. Odd, despite the fact that she owned a clock shop with my father. When I asked her why, she told me that even when the clockwork was all messed up and ceased to function, time still rolled on.

…Time. Time is an illusion created by man to defy his mortality. He thinks that by measuring the finite space between two points that he can maximize his profitability. But, there is never enough time in the day. And humans tire so quickly. What happens to man's precious time that he has lost? He can't reclaim it. He can only push forward and try to complete what he needs to do with the time that he has left. It's all just a pathetic attempt to structure himself so he doesn't waste a minute of his life.

That's why I had come to hate clocks. I abhorred the churning of cogs and the incessant ticking of minutes flying by. My mother always said I should never be ruled by the accursed structures, but I always found myself staring them down. Counting down the minutes until the day ended. I was always looking to a clock or calendar to measure how much time I had left… how much time _she _had left.

My mother would always chastise me for relying so heavily on time.

_Live in the moment, Claire. You'll have time to fret later. _

My sister would laugh in the background as she was on her way out to the studio. I would never respond to either of their jibes. My mother would pat the chair beside her and motion for me to sit, just as the door closed behind my sister.

_Stop looking at those things, Claire. I'm fine._

That's what she would say in the beginning. This was during a time when she was still able to walk and her hands didn't feel as if they were going to break as they grasped for mine.

She would sit me down next to her, we'd watch out the window and see Serah as a lithe, yet tiny figure down below. Serah would turn halfway and look up to where we sat before the window and wave. My mother would grasp my hand and wave back. Serah laughed and faded away.

_You see how she doesn't worry? I know how different you are, but perhaps you can feed off your younger sister and be a little more of the same. _

Her grip tightened around my hand and I'd look down at our intertwined fingers and then up at my mother. Her smile was always so warm even when she was at her worst. I would turn away from her and mumble something about her medication. She'd laugh at the way I would constantly hover over her, yet welcome it willingly.

Live in the moment. The future is always becoming the present and the present, the past. How was I supposed to _live _in one moment when everything was moving so fast around me? I suppose what I was doing, riding the train back to Yusnaan in the insufferable heat of early summer, was what she meant.

After questioning myself multiple times, Fang was finally able to get me to go back to my apartment and pack my life up in the span of one day. Not like I had much left for me in Luxerion. My life was consumed wholly by my time spent in the cathedral from dawn until dusk and then a solitary existence surrounded by nothing but books at home. The process hadn't been therapeutic in the least. It did nothing but arouse more anxiety and confusion over the entire situation.

Fang was currently sleeping at my side, arms crossed over her chest and forehead pressed against the window pane. I barely slept that night and spent more time pacing back and forth in my room over anything else.

She'd asked me to come with her to Yusnaan every time she visited me in Luxerion. It's the same song and dance where we talk about the same things, and she gives me the same argument about why I need to leave Luxerion behind me.

But, Luxerion … I've held onto Luxerion as the one place that can provide solace for people like me. People with unnatural feelings and thoughts. Unnatural yearnings for something that we would have to constantly deny ourselves for the length of our entire lives. I couldn't surround myself with the faith in Bodhum or Yusnaan like I could in Luxerion.

Bodhum was somewhat neutral, riding the fine line between moral depravity and redemption. Yusnaan, this was the city of revelry. A city thriving in the midst of sin, a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah. I'd been here once since Fang moved from Oerba to come here. She said something about a change of scenery and getting away from all the _noise _back home. Whatever that meant. Oerba was hardly any different from Bodhum.

The intercom chimed overhead and startled Fang out of her sleep. She blinked blearily at me as the conductor announced that we had an hour left until we arrived in Yusnaan. Fang stretched and yawned before turning back to me and raised a scrutinizing eyebrow.

"You sleep any?"

"No."

"Still running on full after being up all night, yeah?" She asked, leaning forward to open her bag and pull out her cell phone, "At least we're not getting back at rush hour. Don't wanna have to contend with any idiots on our way home."

"Hm."

"Riveting conversation we're having here, Light."

"I'm sorry, I'm just…" Agitated? On edge? About to lose my mind?

"Nervous?" She tried.

"I guess you can say that."

"What are you _nervous _about?" She asked, "Look, you ain't comin' to Yusnaan to mingle with every god damn person there. You'll be staying with me an' Vanille the whole time. It's a _vacation, _Light. Start acting like it for once."

"Vacation, huh?" I mused, sinking into my chair and adjusted the sunglasses covering my eyes. "A vacation to _fix _me?"

"This isn't a god damn therapy retreat. It's to get you out of that bloody city that's bleeding you dry." Fang sighed and crossed her arms over her chest, "Just work with me, Light. That's all I'm asking. Just give me a god damn chance to get you smiling again. Never were much for it in the first place, but you have at least once in your life."

I shrugged my shoulders, "Whatever you say, Fang."

She pocketed her phone and turned away from me to stare out the window again.

-x-

Fang's place was situated just outside of the Augur's Quarter in one of the nicer parts of town. When I asked her how she was able to afford the space, she merely shrugged and told me not to worry about it. She lived on the top floor of her walk up, something she lamented as she lugged one of my suitcases up the stairs behind her.

Upon reaching the top floor, Fang dropped the bags she was carrying so she could pull her keys out of her pocket and open the front door. As soon as Fang opened the door to her apartment, I was greeted with filth and the pungent smell of stale sweat. Fang immediately took one look at the state of the living room and began screaming Vanille's name before she even stepped through the threshold.

I was left standing in the middle of the living room, cautiously stepping my way around the various cartons that littered the floor of the entryway. Something shattered against the wall and I heard Vanille's moans come from down the hallway along with heavy thumping. Two seconds later a half dressed man came sprinting from out of the hallway and rushed for the front door. I merely stepped aside to let him through.

Fang and Vanille were engaged in rapid conversation in their native language, completely ignoring my existence in the doorway. I took that time to remove Fang's keys from the front door and shut and locked it behind me. I heard my name fall out of Fang's mouth as she gestured to me and Vanille looked helplessly from me to Fang. She wasn't wearing anything but the sheets from her bed. How did Fang convince me to come live with her again?

Vanille pouted and screamed something back at Fang before stomping off and slamming the door to her bedroom behind her. Fang muttered something under her breath and began walking back over to me, "I'm gonna kill her."

"Charming. How old is she again?"

"Just turned twenty two last week and you'd think she'd exercise some _GOD DAMN SENSE_ when it comes to how she treats this place." Fang seethed as she pulled her duffel over her shoulder and then turned to look at me, "This way." She turned away from the living room and directed me toward a spiraling staircase that led to the second level of the apartment. I let her grab one suitcase while I reached for another and ascended the stairs after her. On the landing she opened the door to her room and motioned for me to follow her inside.

Fang's room was an assortment of … plants. It reminded me of a sunroom that had been overrun by flora. Everywhere I looked there were plants lining the shelves of her walls, surrounding the floor to ceiling windows in front of me and hung from the slanted ceiling overhead.

"…What _is _all of this?"

She dropped her duffel bag on the floor and crossed her arms over her chest, "Don't tell me you forgot what I'm studying, Lightning."

"…Botany." I replied. I couldn't deny that it smelled way better in Fang's room than it did back downstairs, "I'm assuming these are all projects in the making?"

"No, I just like plants." She walked over to the double doors near her bed and motioned for me to come over to her, "Come over here, I want you to see the view."

"…Fang, just a minute." I replied, rolling one of my suitcases from in front of me and out of the way. "Just where am I staying?"

Fang glanced at her bed and then looked at me, "You serious?"

I folded my hands in front of me, "Fang."

"Are you _really _going to act that way towards an old friend, Light? You had no problem sleeping in the same bed with me when we were younger."

"That was years ago." I said, "We're grown adults. It wouldn't be—"

"All right, _all right, _Miss Priss. I'll get a blow up mattress from the store tomorrow. But tonight, we'll have to share the bed. Got it?" Fang said as she turned her back on me, "Now shut up and come over here already."

I walked over to the double doors where Fang stood waiting. She stood aside so I could step out onto the terrace first and she closed the door behind us. The sun was already beginning to set and the sky was flooded in a river of color. Sharp and vibrant colors of red, yellow and orange faded into blue overhead. I'd miss the beauty of a sunset like this. Nothing in Luxerion was ever as vibrant.

"Beauty, ain't it?" Fang asked, "I could live for this view everyday to tell you the truth."

"…It's almost been two years since you've moved here… right?"

"Yeah, in August. A week after my twenty second birthday." She replied, leaning over the edge, "Vanille's been here a little over half a year as well… can't say she's contributed much to the place though."

"…Looks like she brings all the excitement home." I mused, placing my hands on the railing, "What was that all about?"

"Trashing the place. Throwing god damn parties while I'm gone." Fang snarled, "All she and her little delinquent friends do is smoke god damn pot and drink all day and night. I'm starting to believe she's lost all ambition since coming here."

"Does she work?"

"Contrary to popular belief, yes. She actually goes there on time. It's a god damn miracle." Fang waved her hand and turned to me, "Listen, enough about Vanille. Why don't we go and get some dinner? You must be starving by now, right?"

I shrugged, "I guess."

"All right, it's settled." She grasped for my hand to tug me along, "There's this new place in town that just opened up. They sell deep fried Niblet hairballs. I think you'll like'em."

-x-

"I can't focus when I lay next to you."

I curled the sheets within my hands and waited for her to say something. It was the start of a confession that I had been ready to make for the last ten years, but I knew Fang already knew the truth. _2:36AM _blinked back at me as I kept my eyes focused on the LED display on the nightstand beside me. I didn't even know if Fang was still awake.

"…You wait until I'm half asleep to tell me something like that, Lightning?" Fang shifted slightly in the sheets, but I didn't know if she was looking at me, "What? You can't even sleep in the same bed with another woman in a completely platonic way?"

"No." I said, rolling over onto my back so that I could watch the potted plants swaying overhead, "You've always distracted me in ways that I never wanted to acknowledge. Even when we were younger and I was coming to understand why I was this way… why I craved the attention and attraction of the same sex."

"That why you didn't want to come to Yusnaan?" She asked, "Afraid something more might come of this?"

I shook my head and laced my fingers over my stomach, "No. But, I always prayed that one day I'd overcome these feelings. Perhaps moving away to Luxerion eight years ago was a blessing and a curse at the same time."

"Ouch, Lightning."

"You need to understand where I'm coming from."

"A place of intense internalized oppression?" She asked, finally turning over in bed so that she could look at me in the darkness.

"People believe that some people choose to be this way. But I never did." I said, "Why would I choose to live a life that defies God when it would be so much easier adhering to his teachings about what he expects of humanity?"

Fang shrugged, "I wouldn't know anything about it. We never believed in that junk back in Oerba." She said, "When my ma tried taking me to church when we were younger I used to think it was the stupidest shit on the planet. And I wasn't even that old back then."

"Well, my father was the religious one. So we _had _to go as children." I said, "My mother was raised in the faith but her parents were lax... that's why she never took us to church after my father died. I think … I think she saw how it was hurting me."

"How could she have known even back then?"

"They say parents know." I responded, "Besides, there were other things as well…"

"Like?"

"Things I'll leave for another night." I turned to face her, "When we were teenagers, we used to lie like this in your bed. Do you remember?"

"What in the hell type of question is that? Course I remember." She rolled her eyes at me, "You were in that uptight prep school while I gallivanted around like a delinquent down at the reject school. You were a lot more open with me in those days, you know? Things changed once you turned into Miss High and Mighty in Luxerion."

"Things change. _People _change." I shook my head, "Sometimes I believe your faith in me is completely misplaced." I sat up in the bed so that the sheets pooled around my waist, "I've _done _things, Fang. Things that I can't and should never be forgiven for."

"If this is about sex, Lightning, you can stop the tortured and torn act." Fang said, "You're in your twenties. People in their twenties have _sex_. _Lots _of it. Some with women, some with men, some with women _and _men. It's not a big deal—"

"It _is _a big deal, Fang." I pulled back the sheets, swung my legs over the bed and stepped onto the hardwood floor. The floorboards moaned underneath my weight as I began to pace and I gripped the sleeves of my night shirt in an attempt to calm myself down. If I just had a scripture to read… just _something_ to take my mind off of what this was stirring in my heart, maybe I would be okay.

"I think you're delirious." Fang said, "You barely slept back in Luxerion and look at you. Lightning, for God's sake. Would you stop pacing like a mad woman?"

I paused and looked at her as I dug my fingernails into my skin. She leaned over to reach for the light by her bed and I immediately shook my head, "Don't turn it on."

She paused midway and turned to face me, "Why?"

"Because he sees everything in the light, I…" I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I'm pretty sure she thought I was going insane, "Just… just please. Don't turn it on."

Fang threw the covers off of her legs and got out of bed. I stood rooted to one spot as I watched her reach over to where her desk chair was and pull on the pair of sweatpants she'd pulled off sometime during the middle of the night. She turned around to face me and advanced toward where I was standing. I backed away instinctively.

"Lightning." She began, her voice so low I could barely hear it. "Lightning, I want you to listen to me."

I tried to turn away from her but she placed a heavy hand on my shoulder and used the index finger of her dominant hand to forcibly press against my chin and turn my focus on her.

"No. _Listen _to me." She said, "You're not going to keep me up all night with this nonsense, understand? You are _paranoid _right now and you're scaring me, sweetheart. _Really _scaring me, because I never thought you'd fallen this far or it had gotten this bad. Lightning. …What _happened _to you? Honestly, what in the hell has Luxerion done to you in these last eight years?"

I went to move her hand away from my shoulder, but she gripped it tighter as I tried to pry her fingers loose. "Fang."

"No, you listen to me." Fang said, "You are _drowning _yourself. This isn't healthy and I know you know it, but you don't want to hear it. They've got your head all screwed up and you don't even see it."

"I'm going to hell, Fang." I said, lowering her gaze.

"_No, _you're not."

"_YES, _I am." I said, "This goes beyond just a sexual attraction to my own sex. It's _more _than that and you don't get it at _all!" _

Fang shook me so hard I almost lost my balance, "Well then _TELL _me, Lightning. _TELL _me what in the hell has got you so fucked up in the head that you would deny yourself the basic right to live and be a normal god damn human being?"

I looked back up at her again and I felt like I was starting back into the face of Etro herself. They say the goddess holds a type of compassion for her children that God could never have. Her love is one of unconditional acceptance and hope. Even the deepest of sinners can be redeemed, absolved of all their wrongdoings.

I placed a hand over Fangs and let it rest there for a minute. I could feel my heartbeat hammering in my chest. I was cornered with nowhere to go, nowhere to run. I couldn't seclude myself within the stacks of endless tomes and scriptures detailing the finer intricacies of God's plan for everything that humanity faced. I couldn't bow before the altar and pray for forgiveness. I could repeat mantras in my head in rapid repetition, sure. But Fang would snap me out of it as soon as I had begun.

"It's …Serah."

"_Serah_?" She questioned. "What's Serah got to do with any of this?"

"…All of this begins with Serah." I felt her hand drop from my shoulder, "…_Everything _begins with Serah."

"What do you mean by that?"

I gestured toward the bed, "You should sit down for this one."

"Lightning?"

"Just please, sit down." I watched her walk back over to the bed and take a seat on the side that she had been sleeping on. "One thing before I start, Fang."

"What is it?"

"Promise that when all of this is said and done, you won't look at me with the contempt that I already feel for myself." I said. The sins of my past were about as low and disgusting as one person could get. …I didn't need another person feeling double for what I already knew about myself.

"Yeah, sure. Whatever." She crossed her arms over her chest, "Go on, Light. I'm listening."

-x-

_My father had a way of disciplining me that most people would consider borderline abusive. And it began because of something I did to my little sister that I wouldn't understand until I became much older. _

_We were playing around as normal siblings do. Serah was only four at the time and constantly wanted me to play __house__ with her. I was always the father and she was the mother. Her various stuffed animals and dolls were our children. Our mother wasn't home, but our father was. However, these details aren't important…perhaps minutely. _

_Serah was always somewhat precocious. She seemed to pick up on things even when she should have been too young to understand them. She turned to me, eyes wide and blue and placed one of her stuffed animals in my arms and told me it was my turn to sing the baby to sleep. She turned away from me and walked over to the kitchen playset that my parents had bought for her birthday that year. I did what she asked of me. …I _always _did what she asked of me._

_I'd always felt some type of way for my younger sister. I was too young to understand the severity of these emotions. I thought they were normal and that all siblings felt the same affinity that I did for my little sister. I was always jealous of other people vying for her attention. I wanted her to pay attention to me and solely me. I wanted to distract her in any way possible… and I did._

_I got her into my bed that afternoon. Told her this was another way to play house… I… _

_...I kissed her. Not as in a kiss on the cheek or forehead at that. It was like I'd seen in those late night romance movies my mother would watch on the nights when my father wasn't home and she thought Serah and I were tucked safely away in our beds. Or like the kisses I saw my parents exchange when I'd snuck out of bed early in the morning and they had found a little time to be together in-between the hectic schedules of our daily lives. _

_She didn't say anything. Her eyes were wide and innocent, staring up at me as if she didn't understand anything of what I had done. I didn't understand it myself. But, I thought it was a way of conveying love… the unnatural love that I felt for my little sister. _

_My father snatched me from off of Serah just as my hands pushed underneath her shirt. I've never known rage quite like the one my father exuded on that early spring afternoon. Serah was left sitting on my bed in confusion while my father yanked me from the room. _

_He slammed the door to my parent's bedroom and immediately backhanded me so hard I tasted blood in my mouth and my head spun as it hit the wall. I just remember his hands flying everywhere as I tried to huddle into the corner of my parent's bedroom screaming that I was sorry. That it wouldn't happen again. I didn't know that it was wrong. I would never misbehave again. I'm sorry that I had disappointed and disobeyed him. I loved Serah. I didn't want to hurt her. I was sorry, I was sorry, I was _**sorry**_**.**_

_He made me repeat scripture after scripture, write out verse after verse until my hand was on the verge of breaking. He called me the devil's child, the spawn of Satan. Serah watched us from the hallway, head poking out from behind the wall she grasped in her chubby fingers. My father told her repeatedly to go back to her room. She was a _good _girl_. _Her sister wouldn't taint her any further._

_When my mother returned home and questioned the state of my face, my father replied that I had been rough housing with Fang—valid, as they both knew how wild the two of us could be when we played together—and I'd tripped and hit my head outside. I'm not sure my mother bought his story; I didn't dare meet her eyes. I stayed looking toward the ground, wishing that hell would open up its gates and swallow me hold. Barely seven years old and already I knew that I was viewed as unfavorable in God's eyes. In my Father's eyes. Serah was quiet about what had happened as well. She didn't understand it as much as I didn't back in those days…_

_But I knew… deep down I began to realize that I wasn't like the other people that littered the world. The normal people like my mother and father who would never have the same uncontrollable and filthy urges that I did. And for many years, I would learn to keep them in check … because if I didn't… I didn't want to think about what would happen to me if I didn't. _

_-x-_

Fang was silent for a long time; her arms crossed over her chest as she looked away from me and processed what I just told her. I felt the temperature in the room stifle me, crush my windpipe and churn my stomach in ways that I hadn't felt for a very long time.

"Fang." I said, "…Say something."

"…You were young." Fang began, "You didn't know any better, Lightning."

"I molested my _sister_, Fang."

"You were a _child_, Lightning." Fang said, "Whatever you felt back in those days can't count for much in present day. You didn't know it was wrong and what your father did to you is horrible. Does Serah even _remember _that happening?"

"No." I said, "…At least, I don't think she does. She knows my father was strict with me but she doesn't know why. …Or maybe she figured it out, I'll never know."

"So… all those bruises you used to have when we were kids?"

"They were from him." I said. "I still hold myself accountable for my actions even though you say I should just sweep it under the rug."

"That's _not _what I meant, Lightning. For fucks sake, I—" Fang rose up from off the bed and turned her back to me, "You were barely seven years old. Most kids have no idea what any of that crap _means _at that age. You say you had an unnatural love for Serah, but did you ever consider for one minute that you were just being her older sister? That you just wanted to look after her as an older sibling should?"

I shook my head, "No, the type of love I felt for Serah was never to be as a sibling should. I was going to take advantage of her and she would have laid their willingly taking it."

"Kids _do _freaky shit, Lightning. God damn. Hell, me and Vanille did the whole _doctor _thing when we were younger." She placed her hands on her hips, "It's all about exploration and all that shit. Everyone _does _stuff like that and they don't go around talking about how they molested their siblings."

"…Fang."

She turned around to face me, "Have you ever thought about it like that? Huh? Have you, Light?"

"You're _missing _my point, Fang." I said, crossing my legs and avoiding her gaze again, "The level of discipline my father administered always had me to believe otherwise. A parent doesn't berate and torture their child just for simple _exploration, _Fang. Sure, they freak out. But with the way my father looked at me after he saw what I was doing to Serah … I knew … I knew it was otherwise."

"…Lightning." Fang called to me so that I picked up my head to look at her, "We should sleep."

"Is this getting to be too heavy for you?"

She shook her head, "No. Not it's not. I don't think you molested Serah. Had you been older? Yeah. I would tell you to pack your bags and get the fuck out of my apartment. But at the age of seven, I doubt you'd have had any concept of sex or anything of that nature. Also, considering how your parents raised you, I wouldn't be surprised if you still thought babies came from eggs."

"…That's a pretty weak argument, but I'll drop this for tonight." I said, glancing at the clock on the nightstand. We had been talking for the better portion of an hour.

"You need sleep. Your head is all screwed up and you need to reset that overworked brain of yours." Fang said, "We'll go out tomorrow. I'll show you around town and you can get your mind off of this nonsense about you and Serah."

"But, Fang—"

"No." Fang said, shaking her head. "I've got some things to think about as well and if I talk about this anymore my head is going to explode. In the mornin', Lightning. We'll talk more in the morning." She turned her back on me as if her word was final and settled into bed again.

Her room was quiet, except for the occasional beeping of her clock and the slowing down of her breathing. Fang was disgusted with me. She didn't have to say it, I could see it in the way that she avoided my gaze and kept trying to convince me that what I did… what I did to Serah wasn't abuse. She was trying to convince me that I was still _good _on the inside. That I was still a human being worthy to be heard. I was still worthy of being loved.

I rose from the bed and walked through her winding maze of plants and over to the doors leading out to the small balcony connected to her room. Yusnaan was unlike Luxerion at night. Luxerion's skies were always hazy, overcast … somewhat like they were choked with smog. But you could see the stars if you looked hard enough. But, I noticed that the sky in Yusnaan never really became dark. It was an odd storm grey tinged with cornflower blue. It reminded me of my mother's eyes…

Everything also stayed the same. Same sounds, same view, same lights. Yusnaan was sin incarnate, both day and night. In Luxerion … temptation lurked in the shadows, obscured by God's holy light. I couldn't feel that light in Yusnaan… I couldn't breathe in Yusnaan. I had only been here for less than twenty four hours and I could feel my resolve snapping in two like a fragile twig on a cold, autumn day.

I sat on Fang's balcony, back pressed up against the railing and watched the people come and go on the street below. It was cool that night, which was a welcome change from the stuffy and humid nights I'd been experiencing back in Luxerion. But I knew that this place wasn't for me.

I had only told Fang half of the story... no, I hadn't even brushed the surface with what happened with my younger sister. There was more to this story besides a certain play date that grew too out of hand one afternoon. And I'm sure Fang knew it.

...She just didn't want to say it.


	3. sea foam glass

**iii: sea foam glass **

I left Bodhum behind when I was sixteen.

After my father died, my mother had no idea what to do with two young children while she was busy grieving herself. So, she enrolled Serah and me in dance classes. Serah took to it immediately; I quit within the first year and turned my eyes on the ocean. But, that's a story for another time.

Serah took to ballet with such ferocity that my mother began to consider sacrificing her school time in order to invest in her dance time. That was how we found ourselves in Luxerion after my sister turned thirteen. She'd been accepted into some prestigious dance school and my mother was hesitant to move. But she knew it was for the best. For Serah… and for me.

I spent my last day in Bodhum with Fang. It was the summer after our sophomore year of high school and things were rough between the two of us… _really_ rough. She hated that I was leaving. There was no one else that would get her in Bodhum. Not like it mattered. Fang had always been a loner like I was. How we even stayed friends during adolescence was beyond me. She began drifting away from me not long after we graduated middle school.

Anyway, my last full day in Bodhum was the day right before her birthday, so we snuck out late at night to celebrate. She was turning sixteen and loathed every second of it. Fang brought a six pack of beers and a blanket with her, while I brought a small chocolate cake I'd picked up from the bakery earlier that day. She was already waiting for me when I got there, wild and untamed hair stirred gently by the sea breeze.

**I told you no fucking cakes, Lightning.  
**  
_But it's your birthday.  
_  
She merely sucked her teeth and turned her back on me. We walked along the beach until she found a spot she deemed suitable. We were close enough to the shoreline that the incoming tide barely nipped at our toes.

I pushed two candles into the small cake and lit them, but I didn't sing to her. She blew out the candles and took a swig of beer without sparing another glance at me. Fang always seemed to abhor birthdays. She mentioned if she were back in Oerba there would be some great three day fest to celebrate her emergence into womanhood. I knew she was bitter even if she didn't say it.

With the cake forgotten, we lay on our backs watching the night sky rotate overhead. Stars always seem brighter on nights when you know your life is going to change when the sun comes up again. Fang pressed a lukewarm beer into my hand, but I never opened it.

**I can't believe you leave in the morning. Fuckin' sucks.  
**  
_You can always come visit me._

She laughed. **Wha? You kiddin, right? In Luxerion? I'd sooner kill myself than spend one minute in God's town. Probably'll burn up before I even step foot inside of it.**

_I don't think it'll be bad, Fang._

**That's because you believe in some of that junk.** She took another swig of her beer and shook her head. **I don't.  
**  
I knew she didn't want to talk about it so I didn't respond. We merely existed in companionable silence with the waves rolling in and out. I had no problem with silence even if Fang did at times. I don't think there are enough words to describe how much we wanted to say that night. Neither of us wanted to admit that even though this wasn't the end, it sure as hell felt like it.

She ended up dragging me into the water, clothes and all. We floated side by side, letting the waves cradle our bodies as if we were weightless. Fang's hand reached for mine in the cold, depths of the summer sea. I didn't protest because this is what she wanted. I'd let her have whatever she wanted on her last night with me because I would be gone by dawn.

**You think we'll float away if we try hard enough, Light? Think anyone'll even care that we're gone?**

_I don't know. _I wanted to tell her something, but I never knew what to say.

**They only miss you when you're dead. This is like that book we had to read in 8th grade. You remember it? The Awakening? It was that piece of shit story where the main character kills herself by walking into the sea in the end. Ha, what an idiot.  
**  
_I didn't think it was that stupid. …She was in pain and didn't know how to deal with it. Sometimes… sometimes maybe death is the better alternative._

**You serious?**  
_  
If your suffering is so great that you can't possibly fathom it ever getting better, then, yes._

**That's a pretty grim look on things, don't you think?**

I wanted to tell her that it was. …But I didn't think so. Not at that point in life at least.

-x-

I woke up on the floor of Fang's bedroom with her pacing back and forth behind me. She was currently half dressed in her underwear and a a white button down shirt. She appeared to be looking for something because she would pause every few minutes to rummage around on her desk and then dresser. Eventually she walked off while yelling Vanille's name and left the room. I pushed myself up into a sitting position and pulled the blanket thrown over my shoulders up over my chest. Fang must have thrown it over me this morning.

She came stomping back into her room a few minutes later with a pair of black shorts in her left hand and black heels in her right, "Oi, look who's up. If it isn't my neurotic yet lovable best friend." Fang walked past me and threw the shoes onto the floor, "How's the floor feel? Was it comfortable enough for you last night?"

"Did you put the blanket on me last night?"

"This mornin'." She answered, "Saw you shivering like a lunatic and figured I could be nice, yeah?"

"…Thanks." I mumbled, turning my eyes away as she began shimmying into her shorts, "Where are you going?"

"To work—" She paused and threw her head back to look at the clock on her nightstand, "—or I'm gonna get fired if I don't hurry my ass up." Fang turned around just as she buttoned her shorts and pulled a clip from between her teeth to jam into her hair, "Vanille'll be leaving soon, too. You're gonna be okay by yourself? I'll leave my keys for you in case you wanna get out."

"You trust me by myself?" I asked as she sat down on the bed and pulled her shoes on, "I could easily run back to Luxerion in the time that you're away."

"Hm, yeah. You could. But, I don't think you'd do something so stupid as to come all the way down here and turn around and head back home in one day." She cleared her throat, "Anyway, I gotta get going. Raid the kitchen if you get hungry. I'll have Vanille leave some money for you if you decide to order out or whatever. I honestly don't know what's in the fridge. Gotta do grocery shoppin' soon or somethin'."

"You're rambling."

"Damn right I am." Fang said, walking over to her dresser and retrieved her earrings from a small tin box. She turned her attention on me just as I stood up and began tucking her duvet in around her bed, "All right. I'm off. With luck I'll be back around four this afternoon, unless the bloody bastards decide to extend me."

"You still working at the boutique?" I asked, smoothing the duvet down and then reached for the discarded pillow on the floor, "I thought you were a TA now."

"Yeah, but that doesn't exactly pay the bills, you know?" She picked up her bag by the door and turned to wave at me one last time, "Later."

Her bedroom door slamming muffled my response and I heard her yelling something to Vanille before slamming the front door of the apartment. It was quiet except for what sounded like the dull hum of music coming from downstairs. I stripped down and went to take a shower first. There's something about the feeling of steam against your skin and in your senses first thing in the morning. It clears the mind, washes away the guilt of whatever you felt during the night so you can begin anew. Get rid of the dirt, get rid of the filth.

After I got dressed, I went downstairs to find Vanille immersed in her tablet with a plate of eggs and some red liquid in a glass in front of her. She immediately picked her head up when she heard me shuffle in from the living room and smiled brightly as I stood in the archway of the kitchen.

"_Lightning_!" She beamed, setting the tablet down and hopping off her bar stool. Vanille opened up her arms as if inviting me to hug her and she dropped her hands when she saw I wasn't budging, "Oh. Right. Maybe that's not the best way to greet you… Fang _did _say you were funny about bodily contact."

"Yeah? And what else did Fang tell you?"

Vanille shrugged and crossed her arms behind her back, "Not much." She grinned, "I'm glad you're staying with us for the summer though. It'll be fun."

Yeah, _fun_. I glanced toward the refrigerator, "…Should I go out? Fang didn't know if there was anything edible in here."

Vanille immediately opened the fridge and shook her head, "Well, there are some eggs and some bread you can use for toast in here." She glanced at me, "We only have tomato juice though… want me to make you a Blood Mary?"

I steeled myself and crossed my arms over my chest, "I don't drink."

"Oh, _well_ then." Vanille appeared to bristle slightly at the tone of my voice and sat back down, "I'm about to leave in a few… Fang left me with some money. Do you wanna go out for breakfast?"

"…That might be the better alternative." I said, "How are you drinking alcohol so early in the morning?"

"…Hangover." She answered cheerfully and without any shame as she dug into her front pocket. She pushed the money over the table and I pocketed it without another word, "Well, that's it. …You won't get lost, will you?"

"I'll manage." I mumbled and turned away without another word.

-x-

Yusnaan reminded me of Bodhum in so many ways that it made my heart ache with nostalgia. I walked its vibrant streets lost amongst a sea of people. Luxerion was so muted in its black, grays and whites. Yusnaan was bursting with a static cacophony that hadn't reached my ears in over eight years and I was finding it hard to focus my energy into something solid. It was too lively, too bright and too colorful.

There were too many sights and sounds and smells. Too many people, too many children playing, too many mothers shopping for the greatest bargains, too many fathers lost in the monotony of daily work. I found myself in a sea of stalls and vendors, each trying to grab my attention and get me to buy something that I clearly didn't need. I bought an iced tea at one vendor and found myself meandering into a bookstore not too far away from Fang's apartment. Well, this city wasn't completely depraved.

When I was a child, I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to construct stories in my mind and share them with the world. I never really cared how many people I reached … just that someone read what I had to say. My mother always said I had a vivid imagination … although it grew dim and seemed to dull as I aged. Probably because I had to grow up sooner than I liked. Reality became more important than fantasy over time.

I never stopped reading though. Reading has and always will be a pastime of mine that I could never give up. I've probably collected more books in my lifetime than I ever could with friends. …Books were simple things. They didn't force you to do things you never wanted to, never expected you to talk and socialize when you didn't feel up to it. I've always been a solitary person and found more solace reading a book than I could ever by talking to someone. Well, maybe except with Fang. But she's another story all together.

When we were kids she used to always make a fuss about how I never wanted to go outside with her and climb trees and tear holes into my clothing. I'd rather watch her tumble from the branches of an old and rotting tree while I read in the grass below her. Fang broke both her arms and her left leg before we even hit the age of ten.

Of course, I wasn't always unperceptive of her wants. I'd rough house with her occasionally when I saw fit. I had a little sister to look out for after all and boys were stupid and fights were many. It didn't take long before I became more of Serah's bodyguard than her older sister. Fang wasn't far behind. She got suspended from school one day in elementary school because I was sick at home with the chicken pox and someone was messing with my sister again. Apparently she head butted some kid, knocked his tooth out and had the indent in her forehead to prove it.

It's weird how I can connect so many of my memories to Fang. Honestly, prior to her moving to Bodhum, I never really had that many friends. My sister was always the social one while I stayed closed off and secluded in the background. It was a miracle that Fang was able to worm her way into my heart as she did. …She was charismatic where I was awkward, loud where I was quiet, abrasive where I was patient. They say opposites attract and we were just that.

My mother never really approved of our friendship, but she let me have it for the sake of having a friend. She was always worried about all the time I spent by myself when my father died. And even if Fang was trouble more times than not, she allowed our relationship to blossom and stabilize over the years.

Thinking about it now… I guess I owe a lot to Fang in more ways than one. She didn't have to do this. I didn't have to come here… but obviously she sees something in me that she can fix. Or something. I don't even know. Maybe we've just been apart for so long she just wants me near her again. Maybe this has nothing to do with Luxerion and religion and all that other stuff that she likes to vehemently protest and denounce. Maybe this is just about us rekindling a fading friendship. Maybe, _maybe_.

Maybe?

-x-

"Hey, Fang?"

I was lying on my back, staring up at the sky as it faded to dusk with Fang sitting by my side. It had been two weeks since I arrived in Yusnaan and I didn't feel any different in the short time that I had been here. Most of my time was spent lounging around Fang and Vanille's apartment until they came home from work and took me out to eat. Sometimes Vanille or Fang cooked; mostly we just ordered out to avoid the hassle.

Fang pulled on her cigarette and tilted her head back to exhale. "Yeah, Light?"

I tilted my head back so I could look at her, "Why do you think people fall in love with tragedy?"

The smoke from her cigarette wafted into the air and curled around her pensive state, "You mean why do people like fucked up stories?"

"If that's the way you want to put it."

"Asking the wrong person here, Lightning. I ain't no psych major, I study god damn plants." Fang sighed and tapped her cigarette off the side of the balcony, "I guess its cause people like seeing shit that's more fucked up than they are. Think about it. No one wants to be called crazy, right?"

"Most people."

"Yes, most people. I'm a special case." She said, chuckling, "Why do you ask?"

I shrugged, "Just thinking about some things. …Do you remember the night of your 16th birthday?"

"You mean mornin'. You left the mornin' of my birthday." She flicked the cigarette again, "But, yeah. What about it?"

"Well, you asked me if I ever thought anyone would care about us leaving. We could have easily floated away in the ocean that night if it weren't for the Security Regiment catching us on the beach."

"I think you're remembering things a little differently than I did. _I _got caught. I told you to make a run for it." Fang laughed again, "My ma was so pissed off that morning when those morons brought me to my door. Serves her right though."

"My mom used to hate when I hung out with you, you know?" I said, "Always said you were too wild and rough. Young ladies weren't supposed to act like you did."

"Well I wasn't ever trying to be a lady, so I'm glad she disapproved."

"Hm." I mused and finally sat up. "Fang, what happened to you back then?"

"Whaddya mean, what happened?" She tossed her cigarette off the balcony and wiped her hands on her shorts, "You talking about when I went buck fucking wild when we started high school?"

"Yes."

"Everyone changes, sweetheart."

"Not in the way you did."

Fang sighed low and hard before she looked at me, "…I guess you could say I got a little taste of something that I couldn't let go."

"What do you mean by that?"

"That it's something I don't think we should be talking about right now." She stood up and obscured the view of the setting sun behind her, "Anyway, I gotta get going. Not gonna be in until late, so don't wait up. You gonna be all right with just Vanille tonight?"

"You mean she's not going out?"

"Nah, I asked her to stay in and look after you for tonight."

"I'm not a child." I said, falling back onto the pillow I had been laying on.

"I don't know about that." Fang replied as she stepped over me, "She'll be downstairs if you need here. Try not to fall asleep out here, ya hear? I don't want you bitchin' to me about bug bites when I get in."

-x-

I was awake when Fang came in at close to four in the morning. Vanille had long since gone to sleep and I was wracked with insomnia. I'd gone from pacing across Fang's room with the lights off, to trying to center myself through prayer. Eventually I settled for sitting outside on her balcony staring down onto the streets below until she came home.

As soon as her bedroom door shut, I could hear Fang muttering my name as she advanced toward the doors leading out to the balcony, "Lightning, what in the hell are you still doing up?"

I turned to look at her as she stood in the opening of the doorway with her hands on her hips. I shrugged my shoulders, "What are you doing out so late?"

"I'd say touché, but I won't."

"You just did." I muttered, "Where were you, Fang? The sun's almost up."

"Nowhere that you need to worry about." She said, "What's wrong with you? Can't sleep if I'm not here?"

"_Don't _change the subject." I said.

"What? You worried about something happening to me?" Fang asked, "Vanille knew where I was. She always does, even if you don't. So stop worrying about me, okay? I can take care of myself."

"You always say that to me." I murmured, before standing up and brushed my pants off, "You know, I don't know how you expect me to trust you this summer if you're not willing to share a little part of yourself in return." After all, hadn't I told her what a filthy pedophile I was?

"This ain't got nothing to do with trust, Lightning." Fang said, "It's just not important."

"Well I consider it to be."

"Lightning, it's four in the god damn morning and I'm _tired_." I could tell she was already losing her patience with me, "Can you go get in my god damn bed and drop this shit already?"

"What? Just like you told me to drop what I asked you about earlier today when I was actually willing to talk for once?" I laughed sardonically, "Fang, this is a joke. I can't do this. I can't stay here with you in Yusnaan if you're just going to let me fester like an unhealed wound in this apartment of yours. I don't know what your plan is or what you're trying to do, but this isn't working." I looked away from her and shook my head, "I'm going back to Luxerion."

"And what?" She asked, moving aside so I could walk past her, "Go and pray with the God squad all day? That it?"

"Yeah." I said, folding my arms over my chest, "That's what I'm going to do. It's a hell of a lot better than wasting my time here in Yusnaan surrounded by filth and sin everywhere I look."

Fang sighed as she closed the balcony doors behind her, sat down in her desk chair and let her legs slide out in front of her, "This is how you solve everything, ain't it? Runnin' away because you're too confused and lost to try and work through things like a normal human being?"

"Cause that's what _you _did, right?" I asked, whipping around to face Fang, "That's why you left Bodhum to go back to live with your father in Oerba, right?"

"_Lightning_." There was a warning in her voice that I didn't care to pay attention to.

"Or we can't talk about that either, Fang?" I asked, "We can talk about how much internalized rage and hatred I have for myself, but we can't talk about where you went wrong, too?"

"You're digging up shit that's better left in the past."

"And what? You think I can't handle it?"

Fang began chewing on her bottom lip and turned her gaze on the slowly lightening sky beyond her windows. She swiveled around in her chair, stood up and slowly began walking over to where I was sitting with my arms crossed over my chest. Her eyes were downcast as she flexed her hands over and over again. Perhaps there was a beginning imbedded somewhere within their groves.

"It's not that." Fang said, her voice low and her accent almost unrecognizable.

"Then what is it?" I asked, "I already told you about that thing with Serah. Is it so hard for you to open up to me and answer a simple question of _where _were you? So what if Vanille knew where you were—"

"Lightning, stop. I'll tell you, okay?" Fang sighed and flexed her hands again. "…When I was fourteen … when I was fourteen I started having sex. And no, I wasn't raped and ain't nobody touch me when I was little. None of that clichéd bullshit happened to me."

"Well, what happened?" I asked, "That can't be all there is."

"You don't always need a reason to have sex, Lightning. And I never did." She shrugged her shoulders, "I lost my virginity to this guy I met on the beach. He was seventeen, I'd just turned fourteen. I was curious and he was more than willing to comply."

"…How long did you even know him for?" I asked.

"Does it matter? It wasn't about love, never was." Fang replied, "Anyway, after that I started doing it a lot more with other guys… mostly with ones way older than I was. They were disgusting, the whole lot of them. Fucking with a teenage girl like that. But, I thought I liked it back then. I felt like … men were such idiots and they were constantly using women for however they saw fit, so why couldn't I?"

"But you were a _child, _Fang." I protested, resisting the urge to grab her hand.

"Yeah, think I didn't know that? Shit. I didn't really understand the gravity of my situation until I realized…" She gripped the sheets of her bed between her fingers and glanced down at her abdomen, "…Well, let's just say my insides won't be functioning in the way that your _God _wants them to anymore."

I knew what she meant, but I was afraid to ask. "…Fang?"

"I was fifteen the first time _it _happened. …The man I was seeing was nearly forty." She stood up and began pacing in front of where I sat, "Back then, Ma was going through some financial problems and couldn't really support us like she had been in the past. So I had to seek money from elsewhere…" When Fang saw the look I was giving her, "Call it what you will. You know the name for it."

"You _sold_ yourself to a grown man? Is that what you're telling me right now?" I asked, unable to believe the words coming out of her mouth, "Your mother was in a precarious financial situation and you saw the only way out by _selling_ yourself?"

"I said to call it what you will." She said as she turned her back to me, "At any rate, I got pregnant."

"…And I'm guessing you took care of it?" I asked, "Is that what you're alluding to?"

"Didn't just happen once. Happened twice after you left. Different guys, different circumstances." She shrugged her shoulders and still didn't turn around to face me, "…That's not what did me in though."

"Then what _did, _Fang?"

"You're a smart girl, Lightning. What type of fun stuff can you catch from unprotected sex with multiple partners?"

There was a thick silence that hung in the air. Fang still had her back to me with her arms crossed over her chest. I was staring down at her bedroom floor, my hands fisted tightly within her sheets. I couldn't process the words that were coming out of her mouth. Maybe it was too soon for us to be having this conversation. Maybe I had made a mistake telling her to open up about this.

"…Feel any better now?" She asked me when I didn't respond to her question, "That answer your questions?"

"…Why didn't you tell me?" I said, "Why didn't you _tell _me that you were struggling back then. I would have found some way to help—"

"Lightning, stop." Fang finally turned back around to face me, "What's done is done. I can't take back the past and neither can you. I couldn't have that shit on your conscience. Trying to help me out when I couldn't even help myself? I'd have sooner died back then than admit that I couldn't care for myself."

"But that's what friends _do, _Fang. They're supposed to help each other out when times are rough." I protested, "Look at what you're doing right now. You've got me locked up in Yusnaan because you're afraid I'm going to implode if I spent one more minute stuck in Luxerion."

"But there's a difference between you and I. I did what I had to do for survival. And sure, it cost me something in the end… something that I'll never get back. But I had to do it."

"So you're saying it was the right thing to risk your body, your _life _for survival?"

"Yeah." She said, "Sure, I mean. I'm clean, but I've got scars in places that'll never heal. Physically, of course. But it's what I was willing to trade for my current path in life."

"That's nonsense." I said, "That's complete and utter nonsense and you know it."

"What was that little saying of yours? It's not a matter of do or don't—"

"—_Can _or _can't. _There are some things in life you just do." I corrected her and rose to my feet, "But there are some things in life that you _shouldn't _do."

"I consider things on a case by case basis. …Or life by life basis. Everyone's got a different path to take. Mine was just rockier than most."

"Fang."

"It's late." She began, moving forward to gaze up at the sky again.

"Fang, listen—"

"I ain't mad." She said, as she scratched behind her ear, "Just think that we talked enough for tonight. You don't sleep. You need to learn what it is to lay your god damn head down and close your eyes for a few hours."

"You've said that before, you know? And I'm not tired."

"You never seem to be tired." She said, "What? Is there something about you and the nighttime that I should know about?"

God _damn _she was perceptive. I stalled, grabbed my arms and wordlessly turned away from her to move toward the bed again. I assume she took my silence as an answer because she sighed and began scratching her head again.

"Guess there is. But, you don't want to tell me just yet, right? That's all right." She paused, "You ain't afraid of the dark though, right? I'll buy you a nightlight if you are."

"Humorous, Fang." I said as I sat down on her bed, "Bhunivelze only sees light. In the darkness there lies temptation and you know that I fear falling, I have _always _feared falling. …So I keep myself bound."

"…_Bound_?"

I'm pretty sure she thought I was crazy already, so what did it matter telling her any of this stuff? "There is a needle, Fang, and it pulls a red thread. It keeps me secure and it keeps me in line. It winds itself over my wrists and punctures my flesh to remind me that I must not stray. Because if I do, _he_ will surely see and punish me."

"Sure he will." She muttered, "You and every other sinning person on this planet."

"…That is why you must repent during the night. And when the morning light comes, he will forgive you and pardon your sins once again."

"So it's an endless cycle of stupidity again?"

"No, of redemption."

Fang stared long and hard at me. "…Lightning?"

"Yes?"

She patted me on my thigh, "Go to sleep, sunshine."

"You asked so I told you."

"Yeah and you're spouting nonsense again, so go to sleep." She pulled back, "I'm gonna go shack up with Vanille for the night. I'll see you in the morning."

As I watched her walk across her room and head for the door I called her name, "Fang?"

"Yes, Lightnin'?"

"After all of this, you still won't tell me where you were tonight?"

She paused before her hand grasped the knob to the door. "Maybe one day I'll have Vanille show you. For now, that's my secret just like I'm sure you still have yours. Now, _goodnight_, love." And without another word she headed for downstairs and let the door shut softly behind her.

-x-

"I think we should go out." Fang said as she rolled her desk chair back and crossed her arms over her chest, "Things got too depressing last night … and I'm sick of you laying around my apartment reading books and aimlessly moping about all the time. We need to pump some life back into you."

"Where?" I asked as I stared aimlessly at her ceiling. I'd been in one of those moods again where I just wanted her to stop talking and let me mutter mantras under my breath. They were soothing in ways that her loud, abrasive voice wasn't.

"The hell do you mean _where_?" She stood up and kicked her chair back, "_Out._ It's Friday. Where would you go on a Friday night?"

"You mean a bar?"

"Or a club. Depending on the mood." She pocketed her hands and leaned forward, "Come on, Lightning. You haven't left this apartment to do anything besides eat and shop around for books. And I'll be damned if you stay inside for the entire summer."

"I don't drink, you know that."

"Yeah, well. I'm not asking you to get trashed. Just act like a normal twentysomething year old and let go for one night."

"Age should not determine my proclivity for certain activities."

"Lightning, for _Etro's_ sake stop being such a god damn killjoy and just say yes. Just say you'll come out with your longest friend and have a night out on the town!"

"I don't feel well." I mumbled.

"Bullshit."

"I don't have anything to wear."

"You can borrow somethin' of mine."

"_Fang_."

"_**Lightning**_."

I pushed myself up so I could look at her, "Why are you trying to push me to do something I clearly want no part of?"

"Because there's somethin' about dancing under flashing strobe lights to mind numbing techno with a bunch of sweatin' and jumping bodies that feels right from time to time." She said, "Yeah, not the most appealin' thought, I know. But, Lightning. Come on."

"I can't dance."

"You don't need much rhythm to dance to techno." Fang replied, reaching for my hand. "And everyone's too drunk to care about how you're dancing anyway."

"This isn't going to _work_."

"Look, I promise you if you're _that _uncomfortable I'll bring you back within an hour of being there."

"That's too long."

"An hour is a sufficient amount of time to get drunk and score in the bathroom if you're lucky."

"You would know, huh?" I asked, narrowing my eyes at her and snatched my hand away from her slowly creeping fingers. "Fine. _Fine_, Fang. You can have your way for tonight if you feel like this will make amends for how weird things got last night. Pick out something for me to wear and I'll give you your hour."

"You serious?"

"Fang. _Don't_ make me change my mind."

"Great, it's settled then." She hopped up, "I'm gonna go get Vanille."

"I thought it was just going to be the two of us?"

"Would you _like _it to be just the two of us?" Her grin turned slightly amorous.

For some reason I felt my voice catch in my throat and my pulse seemed to quicken at the intonation of her suggestion. I shook my head, "That's not what I'm saying. You just made it seem like this was just something you wanted us to—"

"Lightning, _Lightning. _I'm just joking with you. Calm down, sweetheart." She laughed, "Go hop your butt in the shower; I'll go find something for you to wear in the meantime."

"I don't know if I trust you with this."

"I promise to keep it modest." She crossed her fingers in front of her, "…Mostly. I'll enlist Vanille for help."

"That makes me feel better already." I said as I rose to stand in front of her.

She grinned down at me and nodded her head toward the door of her bedroom as if to silently tell me to get going. I sighed reluctantly and made my way to the bathroom at her behest.


	4. rosso corsa

**iv: rosso corsa**

There is a joyous hypnotism that is found in the way that the human body is capable of moving.

Adorned in a skintight bodysuit with faux crystal and jewels, a contortionist bends their body into unbelievable shapes and smiles for the audience they are entertaining. The audience in turn claps their hands, mouths agape in wonderment at what they've just seen. Perhaps a child goes home that night, still high with excitement and tries to imitate what they have just seen.

My sister was the same way with ballet. Seeing Serah dance was mesmerizing to the point that you believed you were dreaming. I'll never forget the Christmas we went to see her in the Nutcracker. She had only just finished up her first year at the academy and already she had been picked for the role of Clara. My mother couldn't have been happier, but there was profound melancholy in my sister's eyes whenever she stepped up on pointe.

I always chalked it up to the whirlwind of our first year in Luxerion. My mother was no longer in remission and she depended on me for so much when it came to Serah. My sister pretended never to worry as she was always immersing herself in dance. She spent so many hours practicing at the bar and seeking her teachers out for extra tutelage.

I remember one time I went to sit in on one of her practices. It was autumn again and they were keeping my mother overnight in the hospital for observation. I didn't want to go back to our empty apartment just yet, so I went down to Serah's school to see if I could stick around for a bit. Serah's teachers had seen me around enough to know who I was—the silent sister of their prized pupil from Bodhum. When they were taking a break, my sister came to sit beside me, her eyes shining and her smile was wild with excitement.

C_laire, how was I?_

She was perfect as she always was, always had been. I only nodded silently in approval and grunted lowly. Serah always understood how I felt even if I never used words. She grabbed my hand and pulled me over to the window so we could watch the dying leaves falling slowly from the trees on the streets below.

_Just between us… I want to be perfect for mom. I want you both to be so proud of me when you come see the show next month. _She grabbed my hands into hers. _I want you to see that all the sacrifices the two of you have made weren't all for nothing. I just … I just don't want to disappoint the two of you. _

I would tell my sister a lie as she smiled up at me with such adoration it made my heart hurt. I would merely muss her hair and brush back the flyaway strands that had escaped from her tightly wound bun. She would swat my hand away and then wave to me as her teacher ushered everyone back into their stances to resume practice. My gaze was always fixated on her and only her. She was the only one in the room that mattered and I wanted her to know that. To _see _that.

**_Serah, you could never disappoint me. _**

-x-

I was sitting in-between Vanille and Fang in the backseat of a taxi, watching the city speed by the windows on either side of me. They were bantering back and forth, but I was tuning the two of them out. For what seemed like an eternity, I asked myself again: _what am I doing here_?

"Why did you even decide to wear such high heels tonight, Vanille? You know you can't walk in them." Fang snickered.

Vanille pouted, shifting slightly in her seat so she could look at Fang, "I'm not going to be the shortest one in the group tonight."

"Still shorter than Lightning."

"Well she's almost as tall as you anyway."

"You sure you can even dance in those things?" Fang asked, gesturing toward Vanille's feet which she was slowly trying to hide underneath the seat in front of her, "You look like you belong on a pole, not a dance floor."

"_You're_ one to talk."

Fang was about to retort when I interrupted the two of them, "Where are we going?"

"It's a surprise." Fang answered, turning away from me to look out the window.

"You didn't tell her?" Vanille asked Fang, completely ignoring me.

"_Fang_." I warned.

"You said you'd give us an hour of your time tonight and that's all I asked of you, Light." Fang replied, turning back to look at me, "Just enjoy the fact that you look really cute tonight, you're out with us and you're doing normal things people our age do."

I glanced down at the black miniskirt that kept riding up on my hips no matter how many times I tried to pull it down, "I'm wearing clothing better suited for a three year old. This is uncomfortable."

"Better be thankful I didn't make you wear heels." Fang muttered, "Otherwise you'd be like that little dolled up tart sitting next to you."

"At _least _I don't intimidate everyone I walk by when I enter a club."

"Yeah, everyone's probably looking for a way to drug you instead."

"First, are you two going to continue to argue the entire way? Or can you act your age? Both of you." I asked, looking at Vanille who pouted and turned away from me and then to Fang who grinned wildly at me. I saw a challenge in her eyes. Vanille might have been somewhat afraid of me, but I knew Fang never was and never would be. Next, I gestured toward the black shorts currently hugging Fang's thighs. Any shorter and they'd be underwear, "Secondly, why are you the only one wearing bottoms that completely cover your … area."

"_Area_, Lightning? Couldn't say crotch? And anyway, I'm wearing shorts cause usually when me an' Vanille go out to these sorts of places, I'm playing the role of her semi-butch girlfriend." Fang answered.

"Works wonders." Vanille piped up as she opened a makeup compact to check her lipstick.

"Then what am I?"

"You're gonna be Fang's girl for the night." Vanille replied, "I can fend for myself if need be."

"_Excuse _me." I said, slightly scandalized at the way Fang had begun laughing at my facial expression, "Are you taking me where I think you're taking me?"

Neither of them answered my question because the taxi rolled to a stop and I heard the meter buzz and click as our total fare was tabulated. Fang swiped her card on a monitor in the back of the taxi and thanked the driver for the ride. Vanille let herself out of the taxi while Fang paid. I immediately looked away when I saw a glimpse of ass before she slammed the door shut behind her. Was the girl even wearing underwear?

Fang reached for my hand and pulled me out along with her. I stumbled on my feet even though I was wearing simple, flat black shoes for the night. After she slammed the door shut and the taxi drove off, Fang's hand pushed along the small of my back to usher me to the sidewalk.

"_Fang_." I whispered with what felt like venom building in the back of my throat, "Did you take me to a _gay _club?"

"Yeah." She answered, examining her nails briefly before looking down at me, "I did. _Why_?"

"You need to take me home. _Right _now." I jabbed toward the revolving door illuminated by a blinking blue sign that read _Shiva _overhead.

"Why? You afraid you might actually enjoy yourself tonight?"

"You _know _how I feel about these kinds of places."

"No, I don't." She said, crossing her arms over her chest. "But, what I do know is that my best friend is closeted as fuck and is so self centered that she thinks the world is going to explode if she admits that she likes girls. She'd rather pretend to be religious and _pray her gay away _than actually attempt to love herself because this is the way that God made her."

"But, I—"

She put an index finger over my lips, "Shh, listen to me, babe. What she also doesn't seem to realize is that there are tons of gay people all over this god damn world. Millions of them in fact. Even some of those religious elders you look up to. Pretty sure some of them like it in the backdoor more than they're willing to admit."

"Fang, please don't be blasphemous."

"Ain't tryin' to be. Just trying to get you to realize that you're _fine _the way you are, Light. I don't know how many times I've got to tell ya that." Fang said, "If God really thought you bein' a raging homosexual was a problem I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be here telling you any of this right now."

"Fang… I just … I can't be reckless anymore because it's no longer fun and games when you get older. You get older and think, what happens when you die? What is going to happen to my soul?"

"Everyone does, hon. And do you see me worryin' my head off about it? No." She walked behind me and placed her warm hands over my bare shoulders. Fang leaned in toward my ear and her voice dropped, "Now, please. Just for one night, Light. Just let yourself go for one night. Don't believe in anything for one night, just _feel_. Okay? Can you do that for me? _Can you_?"

"I …" I glanced over my shoulder to look at her.

"Just say yes."

"I…" Her gaze was so intense I felt like she was going to burn me alive. If she didn't ease up on the pressure and stop this coil of heat from churning itself over and over again in my stomach I was going to scream. I nodded slowly and heaved a heavy sigh despite the uneasy feeling building in my chest, "Yes."

"Okay, then. That's what I wanted to hear." Fang walked back in front of me and extended her hand.

I looked down at it, "What's that?"

"My hand." She answered.

"…Am I supposed to… do you want me to take it?" I asked.

"That would be the idea, sweetheart."

"…I can't believe I'm doing this."

Fang grinned once I put my hands in hers and she gave me a gentle tug, "I can."

-x-

I shifted uncomfortably in the booth Fang had dropped me off in while she got us drinks. The club was hot and the broken, cheap leather of the seat was cutting into my thighs. Vanille was in sight, twirling around with some silver haired man not too far away from where I was sitting. I'm assuming she knew him because she screamed excitedly when she saw him as we entered the club. Fang returned to our table a few minutes later with two clear drinks for us. She sat mine down in front of me and slid into the booth so she could sit down next to me.

"…Thanks." I muttered, grabbing the drink that was mine as she already began sipping hers. "What is it?"

"Gin and tonic." She answered, "I asked that they put a little more tonic than gin in it for you, though."

I took one sip and blanched, "This is awful."

"Virgin." Fang teased, "Just sip it slowly, it'll grow on you."

"Right…" I set the drink back down and turned my gaze skyward toward the blaring lights overhead. "How can you stand this, Fang?"

"Whaddaya mean?" She asked.

"It's hot." I said, "And _loud_."

"That's the point." She said, grinning.

I pushed my straw down into my drink, "…So what now?"

"Anything you'd like." She said, gesturing toward the dance floor, "We can sit here and just scream at each other for awhile over the loud ass music. Or we can drink in solitude until you feel like getting up."

"What do you usually do when you come here?"

Fang looked down into her drink and swiveled it so that the ice clinked against the glass, "…Usually what I wouldn't be doing now."

"Huh?" I asked.

"Nothin'." She said, and looked back up at me. "I'm supposed to be a good girl tonight. Your girl in fact, so I'm a taken lady right now."

"…What you're saying is you're usually on the prowl for someone to take home?" I asked.

"Nah, just to fuck with for the night. Usually to stir up some trouble with Vanille." She smiled, though I saw a bit of uneasiness in her features, "Those days are behind me. Remember our conversation from yesterday?"

"Oh…" I murmured, "Sorry, Fang. I didn't mean to…"

"Light, calm down. I ain't mad. You didn't do anything. Just … relax." She set her half empty drink down beside mine and moved closer to me in so that our thighs brushed against one another. It made me slightly nauseous but somehow, electrified. It was an odd feeling, "Come on, _breathe_. In and out."

"I'm _fine_." I said, gripping my drink between my hands as she leaned back to rest her arms along the edge of the seat. My body language was so closed off when hers was so naturally open. It was ridiculous.

"Lightning, you're all hunched up and removed from me." She laughed, throwing her head back, "…It's kind of cute."

"There's that word again."

She tapped her nails against the worn leather behind me, "What'd you like me to call ya? Strong? Fierce? Brusque? Got any more adjectives I can't think of?"

I sipped on the gin and tonic again and sighed, "How about my name?"

"Claire?" She asked, abruptly.

I turned to look at her, "_Fang_."

"Yeah, I know. You buried Claire a long time ago." Fang said, sitting up and reaching for her drink with one hand. "We all know."

"Let's not talk about that now." I said.

"Then what should we talk about, Light?" Fang asked.

I surveyed the dance floor for Vanille and found her sitting by the bar with the silver haired man she was just dancing with. I gestured toward the two of them, "Who's that?"

Fang turned her attention to Vanille and smirked, "Oh, that's Hope. Vanille's gay boy toy."

"Huh?"

"Her best friend from college." Fang replied, "I don't know _why _they didn't move in together when he can't seem to stay away from Yusnaan."

"Well where is he from?" I asked.

"Arcadia." Fang answered, "They used to live together while the two of them were in school over in Palumpolum. Hope got a job offer in Arcadia around the time Vanille came here to live with me."

"And I take it Arcadia isn't that far from Yusnaan?"

"About a forty five minute train ride." Fang answered, "More than enough time for him to make an appearance. He'll probably come home with us and leave in the morning if it's late enough." She shrugged, "He's a good kid though. Super smart and works with computers and whatnot. He keeps Vanille in line when I can't."

"What exactly does Vanille… do anyway?" I asked.

"Works down at the animal shelter." Fang murmured, "Always trying to bring god damn strays home even when she knows our building isn't pet friendly. Almost had us evicted for the god damn pitbull puppy she was holding captive in her room last month."

"…She really loves animals, huh?"

"She's supposed to be training to become a vet. Who knows when that's going to happen." Fang shrugged, "As for me, I'm just juggling what I can to make sure we keep a roof over our heads until I'm done with grad school. Probably'll move out to the Wildlands or something after this, who knows."

"That's fitting." I said, "You never could stay indoors."

"Man, I'd sleep outside if it didn't actually get cold around here in the winter time." Fang muttered, "Sure, it's warm year round. But it still gets pretty chilly in the winter months during the night. Still wouldn't trade it in for what you deal with in Luxerion."

"…The autumns are actually really beautiful out there." I said, sipping my gin and tonic. She was right; it kind of grew on you after awhile. "And in winter the cathedral looks ethereal … like it belongs in another world when contrasted against a foggy sky and barely shining sun. Sounds depressing… but it's really nice."

"Wouldn't know, wouldn't care." Fang said, "I try to stay out of that city as much as you wanna stay outta mine."

"What? Afraid you might be open your eyes and start to live a morally just life?"

"You gettin' smart with me, Lightning?"

I shook my head and felt the urge to smile even if it didn't come to my face. "Just turning the tables back on you."

"You _are _getting cheeky." She glanced at my glass, "Can't be drunk, you didn't drink much."

"…I'm _letting go _like you told me to." I said, sipping my drink again. "I guess it's not so bad here."

"You're just saying that because no one has hit on you yet." She said, "You're lucky it's my job to drive everyone away. Otherwise you would have already dragged me out of here."

"Maybe."

I sipped my drink again as I felt the bass from the stereo system pick up overhead. It was beating so loudly I could feel it hammering against my fluttering heart. Fang was quiet at my side as she finished off her drink and sauntered off to get another one. I lifted my eyes to see Vanille hanging onto Hope as he stepped down off the bar stool next to her.

She caught my eye from across the dance floor and waved. I couldn't tell if she was telling me to come here or just waving for the sake of doing so. She stepped down off her stool and met with Fang halfway across the dance floor and came with her back to the booth.

"Having fun, Lightning?!" She shouted over the music.

I shrugged my shoulders and she set her drink filled with some type of pink liquid down on the table, "It's all right."

She scooted in next to me and grinned, "Just wait, we're kind of early. I promise you the night will pick up."

"I didn't intend to stay for long." I said.

Vanille's face fell and she kicked at Fang who was leaning against the table and sipping her drink. Fang instantly whipped around when the front of Vanille's clunky heel hit her thigh, "The fuck, Vanille!?"

"What's Lightning talking about that she doesn't wanna stay long!?" She protested. "I thought we're supposed to be showing her a good night out!"

Fang rolled her eyes at her cousin and turned around, "The agreement we had about tonight is between me and Light, got it? If she wants to go home, I'm taking her. You have Hope here with you for a reason."

"But he's trying to _score_." Vanille wailed, "He just went off to the bathroom with some questionable guy. If you guys go home, _I'm _going home."

Fang stared at Vanille wordlessly for a minute and Vanille glanced at me for a second. Something seemed to click in her mind and she looked up at Fang with what appeared to be a challenge in her eyes. Vanille said something in Oerban and Fang slammed her drink down on the table in an instant and pointed behind her. "Get your ass **out** of here."

"Touchy, Fang. _Touchy_." Vanille murmured, picking up her glass and shuffled her way out of the booth, "I'll be back. I'm gonna go check and make sure that guy didn't murder Hope."

"Yeah, get lost in the process." Fang seethed, sitting back down next to me. "God damn she can be annoying."

"What'd she say?" I asked.

"She thinks that—" Fang paused and shook her head, "Nothin. It's nothing. Just drink your drink, Light. Ignore Vanille."

"I'm curious though." I replied, "It must be partially true if it got you riled up like it did."

"It _ain't _true. At least anymore." She said, turning to look at me.

"Hm." I titled my glass forward, "Does she know about what happened between us while we were growing up?"

"Nothin' happened, remember?"

I tipped my glass to my lips, "We've kissed before."

"It was innocent, Lightning. Just something that happened between friends."

"You said that before when I told you about Serah." I said, "Are you just telling me this so I'm less disgusted with myself?"

Fang balled her fist up and shut her eyes. I'm pretty sure I was getting to her with my questions. "No, because I'm disgusted with _myself._"

"That's impossible. You have everything figured out, don't you?" I asked, pushing my drink across the table toward her. I couldn't keep my patronizing tone out of my voice, "Mind getting me another drink?"

"Yeah. That'd probably be good right now."

She got up and moved away from me. I leaned back and watched the strobe lights twirl again overhead. I guess this is what alcohol does to people. How in the world did the atmosphere become so weird in just a few minutes? There was something Vanille understood and knew about Fang that I didn't.

And it wasn't just the whole thing about where she was last night. I think it had to do with why she wanted to bring me to Yusnaan in the first place. She said she was just doing it to be a good friend, wasn't she? That's what I should believe right? She always did everything for me because she was being a _good _friend. I never doubted that. But, there was something in Fang's heart that she was afraid of showing me. …Or maybe she just thought it was better that I didn't know.

Fang returned a few seconds later with another drink for me and set it down in my hands. I thanked her and sat up in the chair to take a sip from the glass. "This one's stronger, huh?"

"Hm?" Fang asked, absentmindedly. "Maybe. Seemed like you liked the first one so I thought maybe you could handle more."

I shrugged, "I think I like it better this way."

"Yeah?" She asked, turning to look at me.

I nodded and she didn't turn away. Fang's always had this intense gaze in her eyes. It's clichéd, but she really is like a hunter stalking her prey. There's this type of air about her that's just natural and untamed. And I don't think she tries to act that way. It's just who she is.

I felt her move closer to me in the seat and I found myself unable to look away at that moment. The lights flashing overhead made the highlights on the tips of her hair stand out more. An auburn color that she always claimed was natural even when people thought otherwise.

"You know…" She began, her voice suddenly low. I could barely hear her over the synthesized music, "…You do look really nice to tonight. …Beautiful even. Anyone ever tell you that?"

"Only you." I replied, "Maybe my mother during formal occasions."

"You should wear your hair back more." Fang said as she reached back to tuck a stray strand of hair behind my ear, "Can't believe we actually got you to come out with it like you did."

I shrugged, "I rather keep it how it is."

"Why, so you can hide behind it?"

"No, I just…" I looked up at her, "…I can't have a preference for how I wear my hair now?"

Fang laughed, "I'm just messin' with you, sheesh."

"I never know with you."

"Yeah? And what's that supposed to mean?" Fang asked.

I shrugged, "Nothing really." I ran my finger along the condensation collecting on the glass, "I have to thank you, Fang."

"For what?"

"For this." I said as I picked my head up to look out at the club scene before us, "I would have never had this back in Luxerion. You're right. It's kind of nice to have this, I guess. I wouldn't do it often, but this is more than enough right now."

"You change your mind?"

I shook my head, "I think … I think it's just nice being somewhere with you. That's what I'm trying to say."

"Oh, well. Sure." Fang shrugged, "I knew you wouldn't dream of anyone else, Lightning."

"Modest." I felt the urge to laugh for some reason, "…Maybe we can go dance soon?"

"You feel like dancing now, huh?"

I pressed a hand to my chest, "I can feel the beat in my heart. It's almost like it's trying to take over. …And the lights are hypnotizing. They paint everything in a different light, don't they? It's kind of weird that this is another world within a world." I murmured, "Everyone is in here for different reasons and doing different things…"

"Light, are you drunk?"

"My head feels kinda heavy…" I said, "But, I don't think I am."

"You're awfully talkative." Fang smiled.

"Do you want me to stop?"

Fang shook her head, "No, I like when you talk. Go on, tell me what's on your mind."

"It's hot…" I said, "Can we go outside first?"

Her smile intensified and she reached for my hand, "Sure, let's go."

-x-

"We used to sneak out a lot and do stuff like this when we were kids… didn't we?"

Fang put a black cigarette between her lips and lit it, "Going out to _clubs_?" She asked, "Uh, I may have been running around and spreadin' my legs for every guy I met when I was fifteen, but I sure as hell wasn't sneaking into no god damn gay clubs."

"I _mean _sneaking out." I said.

"Oh," Fang exhaled a cloud of smoke, "Yeah, well. Of course. You kiddin' me? Half the fun was getting back in without getting caught."

"There was one time my mother almost did." I said, "I came back home to find Serah sleeping in my bed. Sometimes I think we babied my sister more than we realized because she'd always want to sleep with me when she had a bad dream."

"You always _were _her protector." Fang reminded me.

"…Yeah, if you want to call it that." I shook my head, "Anyway this story isn't long. My mother came into my room and found me trying to tug Serah out. Thankfully I was already in my pajamas at that point. I lied about going to the bathroom or something and found Serah in there by time I got back."

"And she bought it?" Fang asked.

"I think so." I shrugged.

She tapped the ash of her cigarette off onto the floor, "Ma was always yelling at me for somethin' in those days. We've got a pretty decent relationship now, but it was really rough back then."

"Did she… did she ever found out about what you were doing?"

Fang nodded her head solemnly, "…She had an idea. Brought it up sometimes and I always denied it." She paused, "Well, anyway. She had to pay for my last … _procedure_, because the guy I was seeing left me high and dry and I didn't have the money to shell out for that type of thing. I didn't really learn my lesson though, cause I fucked around a couple of more times. It wasn't long before I started feeling kinda funny down there and she took me to the doctor and… well…"

"You don't have … you're not … _positive _… are you?"

"_No_, no. Light, no. I'm not… I don't have HIV." Fang vehemently shook her head, "I'll spare you the details but I had another little nasty bug that worked its way into my insides and screwed everything up. …My mother cried when they told her I'd probably never be able to have a child."

"…Fang."

She waved her cigarette clad hand around, "Either way, I decided it was best for me to go live with my father. I'd basically failed everything that school year and I couldn't deal with Bodhum anymore. But, I'm better now. So that's all that matters, right?"

I shrugged, "I guess." I watched Fang exhale a cloud of smoke again and I nodded toward her hand, "What is that?"

She raised her hand, "This?"

"Yeah. Is that a cigarette?"

"It's a kretek." She said, "But, yeah. It's a clove cigarette."

"What's the difference?"

"Just got clove in it." Fang replied, "They're popular back home. To be honest I prefer these to the regular shit I smoke. Still kills ya either way."

"…It smells nice."

"Don't it?" She raised an eyebrow, "You want one?"

I shook my head, "…No, I don't smoke."

She removed it from the side of her mouth and held it out to me, "You said the same thing about drinkin' and look at you, tipsy as I don't know what."

I took the clove away from her and observed it. I could see faint traces of her red lipstick on the filter. This was so unhygienic on so many levels. Fang gestured toward me and I shrugged as I placed it between my lips. "Like this?"

"Not… so…" She grinned, "Light, get loose. Loosen up. Relax your mouth. Pout it… yeah, okay. …Not so much lip."

"What the hell."

"Just pull."

I coughed immediately after inhaling the smoke into my lungs and nearly dropped the cigarette as I pulled it away and handed it back to Fang. She pat me on the back and laughed as she plugged it back into the side of her mouth. "You can _have _that. I'll stick with alcohol, thanks."

"Oh? Now you're into drinking?" She asked.

"No. But if I had a choice I'd pick the latter than the former." I sighed, "That stuff is awful, Fang."

"To each their own." She said, taking one last pull before throwing the clove on the floor and stepping on it with her ankle boot.

"…So, Fang… I'm curious?"

"About a lot of things it seems. I should get you to drink more."

"Yeah, I don't think so." I crossed my arms over my chest, "What are you exactly?"

"Well, a mutt for one." She said, "You already know that I'm half and half. The best of both worlds."

"I'm not talking about your ethnic origins." I said, "I mean …"

"Sexuality?" She shrugged, "Not into labels. Don't really know. Don't care to question it."

"Is it really that easy?"

"Well, no." She said, "But, I just like to fuck."

"Guys and girls?" I asked.

"And everything in-between. It happens."

"...You know I wish I could be like you are sometimes…" I began walking in a slow circle in front of her, "It would be so much easier if I could go back to how things were before we moved out to Luxerion."

"I've been saying that for years." Fang muttered as she reached into her back pocket and pulled out the pack of cloves again.

"…But, I can't really blame Luxerion… things were messed up even before I left Bodhum."

She paused in lighting up and looked at me with a questionable expression, "…Light, there something you wanna tell me?"

I shook my head, feeling a pressure building in my nose as I turned away from her. I didn't need to think about _that _just yet. I was supposed to be out having a good time with Fang. Not thinking about moments in the past that had fucked me up, rather than me fucking everything up. "No… I want to go back inside. …I need another drink."

"You sure? You just had two."

I nodded. "At the very least… I want to go back inside. I'm fine now."

She pushed her unlit clove back into the black box, "You sure?"

"Yeah."

-x-

Fang tried to twirl me out onto the dance floor the minute we stepped back in the club, but I told her I wasn't exactly ready just yet. The dance floor seemed to have gotten more crowded since we had last been inside. I saw Vanille and Hope sitting in our booth with another man once we stepped back inside. Fang shrugged when she saw him, saying she didn't know who he was.

Instead, she pulled me in the direction of the bar first to order two more drinks and a glass of water for me. The entire time she had been at the bar, I noticed how her arm had slowly migrated from my shoulders to the groove of my hips. When I asked her what she was doing she leaned in and whispered: _stop questioning everything_ and that was that. We sat at the bar together, me alternating between my water and third drink and Fang leaning back in her chair as she made casual conversation with the bartender.

"She's a cute one, Fang. Where'd you pick this one up at?"

"Now, now, Nix." Fang grinned, "Before you stir up some trouble, this is Lightning. An old friend from back home."

"Lightning, hm? That's an interesting name." The bartender mused as she began shaking up another drink for another patron. I turned to look at her when I heard her mention my name, "Don't see you bring many people in here besides that crazy cousin of yours. How long is she visiting for?"

"For the summer." Fang answered.

"I was dragged here against my will." I interjected, turning toward the two of them.

"Sounds like something Fang would do." Nix grinned, "How do you like Yusnaan so far, Lightning?"

"It's different." I said, "…But I guess I'm starting to like it. Different is good sometimes, I suppose."

"Yeah, it's nice. Me and my sister, Stiria—" She nodded off toward the right of the bar where a woman was standing in the DJ booth, "—were born and raised here. Never really felt the need to move, you know? It's always lively day and night and the weather is always nice. Kind of an expensive place, but it's home." She wiped down the bar in front of her, "I take it you're from Bodhum then, Lightning?"

"Originally, but I'm living in Luxerion now."

"_Oh._" Nix said, "…That stuffy old place?"

"That's what I keep telling her." Fang muttered as she sipped her drink.

"I understand it gets a bad rep for being the center of The Order but it's really not that bad."

"Had to have been bad enough for Fang to kidnap you and bring you down here for the summer." Nix chuckled as she picked up two fresh glasses from the bar.

"Yeah, well…" I looked at Fang, "…I'm kind of glad she did."

"She says so now because she's actually enjoying herself for once." Fang said, "She told me she'd only stay out for an hour and look at her. Already on her third drink and I haven't heard a peep outta her about going back home."

"Well, I'm glad you're having a good time tonight, Lightning." Nix smiled, "I'd love to stay and chat ladies, but I've got other patrons that need my attention. Lightning, pleasure to meet you. Hope you come around again. And, _Fang, _behave yourself."

Fang waved her off as I sipped at my water, "They know you around here, huh?"

She shrugged, "I come around enough that they do."

"Hm." I finished off the rest of my drink and I was pretty sure my tipsy was going to turn into drunk in a matter of minutes, "…Can we dance now?"

"You ready?"

"Yeah."

I stumbled off my stool as she helped me down and Fang grinned, "…You sure you ready? I think you might have had one too many, Lightning."

"I'm _fine_."

"Okay, let's go."

-x-

"Lightning." Fang's voice seemed distant against the thumping of the music against the bathroom door, "Light. _Babe_, please. I'm sorry, that wasn't supposed to happen. Please, let me in?"

I was drunk. Drunk on fear, drunk on love, drunk on the feeling that I'd let myself slip further than I wanted to tonight.

I couldn't control my breathing and the music outside the door was rolling on like some unresolved problem that was speeding and gaining momentum with each passing moment. I looked to the red light of the bathroom swaying overhead and felt as if my entire world had just been stained with the color. There was a knock against the bathroom door again and I heard Fang calling my name. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if I was supposed to open the door and let her in or keep her out like I was always intent on doing.

…She had kissed me while we were out on the dance floor. And not just one peck, I'm talking about full on, open mouth, tongues and groping everywhere. And I wasn't exactly innocent either because I had kissed her back after the first initial kiss. And it's not to say I didn't want it. I'd always wanted it, I just always denied myself from ever having it. Having _her_.

"_Lightning_."

I opened the door and dragged her in before she could say another word. I shut and locked the door behind her and turned away from Fang so that I didn't have to look at her. You see, Fang and I had this thing when we were teenagers. Not a long… _thing_. But a thing nonetheless. And it carried into adulthood. We just never wanted to admit that it was still there after all this time.

"You weren't supposed to do that. _I _wasn't supposed to do that." I mumbled.

"I'm _sorry_. It was the heat of the moment and I shouldn't have—"

"We're not fifteen anymore, Fang."

"Fuck, don't you think I know that!" She asked, banging her fist against the door.

"Is this … is this why you brought me out here?" I asked, turning to look at her, "To seduce me? Make me another conquest?"

"_Fuck, _Light. No. God damn. That's not what I wanted at all."

"I don't know what to do." I said, "My head feels like it's full of fish and they're swimming in every single direction. I can't breathe, Fang. I _can't_ breathe. I feel like I'm freefalling and pretty soon I'm going to hit the ground and its lights out." I gripped at my shoulders and bowed my head, "I'm tired of looking at how fucked up everything is and feeling like I can't untangle all these webs I've stuck myself in."

"…This goes deeper than the kiss, doesn't it?"

"I told you before on my first night here that I can't concentrate when I lie next to you… or when I'm with _you. _But it's more like… when I'm near you, I… my mind goes haywire." I said, "It's always been like that. I've always tried to bury myself in you so I could turn away from Serah. I thought you… I used to think of you as a means of salvation." My head was starting to hurt. "Fuck, Fang. Just _fuck_. I need to get out of here."

"…Light, come with me. We need to get you some air."

She reached for my hand and tugged me. I nearly careened into her with the force in which she dragged me out of the bathroom. I let her take me willingly. We passed through the dance floor again and stepped out into the warm, summer night. She reached into her back pocket for her box of cloves again and smacked the box against her hand.

"…I'm going to hell." I muttered, feeling the insane urge to cry for some reason. It made no sense. This whole night made zero sense. It was series of ups and downs. One minute I was happy to let go and just be in Fang's company. The next I was trying to fight what she was trying to break down.

"You're not going to hell—and I'll be damned if you start crying on me right now, Lightning." Fang seethed as she lit her clove. She pulled another one from the box and handed it to me. "Here."

I turned away from her, "I don't want it."

"_Take _it."

I turned back around, snatched it from her hand and put it in my mouth so she could light it. "This is shit."

"Quite a filthy mouth you've suddenly picked up, yeah?"

"Yeah, like you're one to talk." I coughed on the clove and licked my lips. The flavor was nauseating. "What do we do?"

Fang sighed and stretched her arms over her head, "What do you want to do? …Besides not be condemned to eternal damnation?"

"I just… I just want to be okay." I said.

"I know you're sick of living like this."

"I _am_." I said. "But you don't understand. I can't possibly tell you why I've subjected myself to this type of torture for so many years."

"…Does it extend further than Serah? …Or did something else happen with Serah?"

"It includes Serah and more." I said, "…But I don't want to think about her tonight, Fang. _Please _don't bring her up again tonight. It's one thing when I'm sober, but it's even worse while I'm… I'm…"

"Drunk?" She asked, "Cause you're pretty gone. I can see it in your face and you're kinda wobbly right now, you know?"

"Yeah, I _fucking_ know. God damn." I puffed hard on the clove, "Take me home?"

"You ready to go?"

"Yeah. I'm ready to sleep this off. I'm ready to forget about tonight and all this shit that happened."

"…About me kissin' you, I—"

"Fang. Let it go." I said, "I _don't _want to think about any of this right now."

"Gotcha." She said, tossing her half smoked cigarette into the street, "I'm gonna go get Vanille and let her know we're heading back. You gonna be okay out here by yourself for a minute?"

I shrugged, "I'll live."

"Right, be back in a sec."

-x-

The world swam before my eyes and for a minute I thought I was fourteen and underwater.

I've always loved the ocean. There's something about the rush of the waves crashing into the shore and pulling at your ankles as they roll back into the deep, blue sea. They come in hard, slow down and simmer and then pull you in. There's this underlying ferocity to it all and if you're not careful, the surf will pull you down and never let you go. But I always found a way to break against it. Sometimes you have to swim with the ebb and flow of the waves. Let it cradle you and let it pull you to and fro. Learn to work with it rather than against it.

But that's not what tonight felt like. I felt like I was stuck in a deep, dark sea with six foot waves that kept crashing down on my head no matter how many times I tried to break the surface to breathe. And it was odd, because the sun felt like it was shining in a sea of grey. Like there was a light that I was trying to break through to grasp in my tired hands, but they were stuck treading the water that crashed all around me. I was tired and drained and I felt like there was no more fight left within me.

The lights of Yusnaan were the waves crashing all around us, blurs and balls of light that sped by my half lidded eyes as I pressed my head to Fang's shoulder. She was warm in the cool atmosphere of the taxi. Vanille wasn't with us. She'd left with Hope to hit up some other club that was on the strip. _Don't wait up_. Fang had said she wasn't even trying to.

So it was just the two of us in the backseat of the taxi, me with my slowly fading vision and Fang, oddly demure and quiet with nothing to say. Her hand was nearly covering mine. I wanted her to… or maybe I didn't. I don't know. I don't know if I was getting drunker or just getting tired. I only knew that Fang's shoulder was comfortable and I didn't want to leave.

"…Am I underwater?" I asked her.

"Wha?" Fang asked.

"I feel like I'm underwater." I said.

"You're just drunk, sweetheart." She chuckled, "Don't worry; we'll be home soon enough."

I sighed heavily and readjusted myself so that my face was halfway between the seat and her arm, "But I wanna stay here with you."

"You _are _with me."

"No, not… not in your house. Like this. Just driving around like this." I said.

"…Light, you have another drink while I wasn't looking?"

I shook my head, "I think I'm just tired… and probably a little drunk, too."

"A lot drunk." Fang said, "Better make sure you drink some more water. I don't want you complaining about a hangover in the morning."

I sighed and turned my face away from the chair and pushed myself up against her shoulder again, "Why are you so warm? And comfortable? I could lie here all day if I wanted to."

"I'd like to retain some feeling in my arm, thanks. Ease up." Fang said, nudging me so I sat up for a minute. I tried to glare at her for disrupting my position but I'm sure it came out as a blank stare. It was becoming harder to control anything at that point. "Swing your legs around."

"For wha?" I asked.

Seeing as my cooperation was less than likely, Fang grabbed my thighs and maneuvered me around so that my legs were hanging across her lap. She leaned back, grabbed me around the waist and hoisted me up so I could lay my head on her shoulder again. "Now isn't that better?"

I glanced down at where her she left the top two buttons of her shirt undone, "I can see down your shirt."

"…Lightning, for Etro's sake."

I shrugged and closed my eyes, "Nice bra."

"Here you are complainin' about going to hell and now you're complimenting me on my choice in lingerie." Fang slapped her forehead with her left hand, "What is _up _with you."

"I'm confused." I said.

"So you are."

"But you know…" I started, even though I should have stopped. "You know, I'm not confused about you kissing me back there." Fang slowly turned to look at me and I met her eyes in an instant, "Even if I say I am… even if I made a fuss about it. I did like it."

"Lightning, stop. This alcohol is making you wonky and I'm not sure I can hear this right now."

"But _you _kissed _me_."

"Yeah, I did and I thought you said you didn't want to talk about it anymore."

"Just because I told you to stop talking about it doesn't mean I didn't like it."

Fang sighed loud and hard, "Do you know you drive me crazy sometimes?"

"As if you don't do the same to me." I muttered, turning my face inward so that I was nearly burying it in her cleavage. "Fang."

"Yes?"

"I want to do it again." I whispered, pushing myself up so that we were nearly eye and eye.

She didn't pull away as I closed the small gap between us, closed my eyes and kissed her. I had become one of those children of the night. The ones that they always called the heretics—the ones that rejected God to solely come out and worship the goddess in the night. My heartbeat was in my throat and I could hear the rush of bubbles popping in my ears like I had just jumped headfirst into the deep, dark depths of Bodhum's sea at night.

Fang didn't refuse me. She didn't reject me. She had always accepted me. And as I switched positions in the seat so that I straddled her hips in that too tight miniskirt, and leaned forward to press her body into the seat of the taxi, I knew I had stopped caring. Nothing mattered in the night, I finally understood it. It is said that Bhunivelze could never see into the hearts of humans, but he knew the sins of their minds. He abhorred us for being created from Etro… he could never understand us. Perhaps he did hate us; perhaps … perhaps Fang was right. Perhaps I was going about this all wrong… but still… _but still_…

Fang abruptly pulled away from me just as she began to a sneak a hand underneath my shirt. "Light."

"…Why'd you stop?" I asked, trying to kiss her again but she put a hand on my chest to stop me.

"We're home." She said and I could have sworn I saw a blush on her face when I realized the taxi driver was staring at us.

"…Oh." I climbed down from off of her and looked at him, "The _hell _are you looking at you pervert?"

Fang snickered as she got her card out, swiped and paid for our ride and opened the door so we could get out. The cool night air felt nice as I inhaled deeply and Fang stretched her arms over her head. She pulled her phone out of her pocket to check the time. "It's not even two yet."

"That a bad thing?" I asked.

She shook her head, "No, kinda early for me. I guess late for you. Come on, though."

I followed her into her building and up the four flights of stairs to her apartment while she bemoaned the lack of elevators in her building. We ascended the stairs to her bedroom and she sighed as she finally opened the door and turned on the light. I immediately shimmied my way out of the miniskirt as she kicked off her shoes.

"Well, you must be drunk. You're actually getting undressed in front of me?"

I shrugged, "This thing has been making my thighs chafe and sweat all night. This is terrible and uncomfortable. I'm taking this off._ Now_."

"Sheesh. I told Vanille it was a size too small for you, but she insisted." Fang shrugged, "Oh, well. Just toss it over there in the corner. I'll sort everything out in the morning."

I threw the skirt over by her desk and shook my feet to get out of the flats. I immediately parted the sheets to Fang's bed, still dressed in the red halter top and my underwear and face planted into the pillow. It was heaven even if my head felt like it was spinning.

"You're not gonna take off the top?" Fang asked from behind me.

I shook my head and my voice was muffled by the fabric, "No."

"God, Lightning. You're a mess when you're drunk."

"I'm never doing this again." I said.

Something cool and soft hit my head and I picked it up. Fang had dimmed the overhead lights, but my vision was obscured by something black. "It's a t-shirt." She said.

I managed to push myself up in bed, peeled the halter from off my body and tossed it over to where I'd thrown the skirt. Fang's back was to me as she was busy taking her earrings off, so I quickly slipped the t-shirt on and got into bed. She soon turned the lights off and shuffled along the floorboards to the bed.

I poked my head out from underneath the sheets and looked at the empty space next to me. For the past two weeks, Fang had been sleeping on a futon in Vanille's room, or down on the sofa in the living room. She hesitated for a minute as if she was questioning whether it was right for us to sleep in the same bed together.

"…It's all right." I murmured, "It's… it's okay if you sleep next to me."

"You won't freak out in the morning?"

"If I remember this in the morning."

"You should. …You were pretty drunk earlier, but I don't see why you shouldn't." Fang trailed off as she parted the sheets and got into bed beside me. I instinctively moved closer once she was settled in and turned to face me. "Are you going to be okay with all of this, Light?"

"What? Kissing you?" I asked, "Not like we haven't done it before."

"I know, but … we're at different points in our lives right now." She said. "You weren't always so … self oppressing back then."

I shrugged, "Do we have to talk about that right now? Do we even have to _talk _at all?"

She shook her head and pulled me into an embrace so that her legs were tangled with mine and her arm rested over my hips again. Fang was like Etro in so many ways, I wonder if the mother goddess ever intended her to be a vessel of sorts should she ever descend upon the Earth in human form.

Her hands laced their way into my hair, unclipping pins and pulling my hair loose from where she had pinned it on the side of my head. It fell over my eyes, obscuring my vision before she tucked it behind my ear and away from my face. Fang pressed my chin up with a single finger and leaned down to kiss me again. This one was unlike the hurried and fevered way she had kissed me back in the club, or I had kissed her in the taxi. This was slow, sensual. Like Fang had all the time in the world with me to do whatever she wanted, however she wanted.

When she pulled away, she bit her lip. "…I've been thinking about something all night, Light."

"What is it?"

"…Something… something I've wanted to do for awhile now." She said, unable to meet my eyes, "Not just because of what's happened tonight."

"Well, what _is _it?" I asked, finding myself growing slightly impatient with the way that she was dragging this along.

"I can't say it."

"Well, can you show it?" I asked, and almost immediately regretted my question.

Fang pushed herself up so that she was hovering over me and I was about to sit up as well when she pushed me back down. She reached underneath the covers to grab my right hand and I immediately jumped when I realized where she was taking me once she brushed against my thigh.

"But, clearly, I'm taking things too far right now." She said, as I pulled my hand from out of hers and snapped my legs shut. "…I'm sorry, are you okay?"

My face was burning too much to even look at her so I turned away, "We should go to sleep."

She fell back into bed and I could feel her eyes on me even when I didn't turn to look at her, "Lightning?"

I shook my head, "I just… I really think we should go to sleep." I pulled the sheets over my shoulders and buried my face into my pillow. "…Good night, Fang."

She didn't press after that and moved away from me. The sheets pulled in her direction and I glanced over my shoulder to see she had her back to me. "Night, Light."

And just like that, the magic was gone.


	5. in the ash of roses

**v: in the ash of roses **

_I set the Mason jar I held in my hands down on my desk as Fang crashed in through my window at 3AM, laughing her head off and drunk off her ass. Her crop top was falling off one of her shoulders and her shorts rode too low. She could barely keep steady on her feet as she stumbled back and braced herself against the window ledge._

_I immediately covered her mouth when she let out a whoop and nearly head butted me as she lunged forward into my arms. I stumbled backwards, back hitting the door as Fang laced her fingers into my hair and pulled me in for a kiss. She smelled of the ocean and tasted of beer, revolting and charming all at the same time._

_I began pushing her away and turned my head to the side as tried to kiss me again, "Fang, would you keep it down?"_

"_Why? You home alone, ain't ya?" She asked, settling for my cheek because she couldn't reach my lips, "You can make all the bloody noise you want."_

"_You need to go home."_

"_Can't." She mumbled, "If I come stumbling into the house now, ma's gonna chew my god damn ear out. I can't stand to hear her voice when I'm this drunk. It's like this annoying warble that doesn't go away."_

"_So you think hiding out in my room is the better alternative?" I asked, "My mother and Serah are going to be back tomorrow afternoon. You're going to have to get out either way."_

_Fang pulled away from me and waved a nonchalant hand to assuage my worries, "Yeah, whatever." She muttered as she turned around and flopped down on my bed, "You were waiting up for me, weren't ya?"_

"_Someone had to."_

_She snickered, "Oi, just say you were worried and stop being so bloody shy about how you feel about me." _

_I sighed and stood before her with crossed arms. She was currently sprawled out on her back, legs hanging over the edge of my bed, eyes closed and her arms crossed underneath her head, "Have fun tonight?"_

"_You missed the best party, shoulda come out with me." She said, "Lot of beer. Tons more bud."_

"_You say that about every delinquent gathering you try to bring me to." I said, "More guys than you can handle?"_

_She opened her eyes and stared hard at me, "More than you would ever want."_

_I walked over to my window and shrugged my shoulders, "At least I'm not rushing in through people's windows to try and make out with them in the middle of the night."_

"_You enjoy it, don't lie." Fang said, turning over on her side and pushing herself up so that she could look at me, "I'm the greatest kisser you'll ever know, Lightning Farron. And don't you forget it."_

_There wasn't an ounce of modesty within those bones. I walked back over to my desk to pick up the jar and gave it a hard shake. The glitter that had collected on the bottom of the glass instantly swirled within the water and glinted in the dim light like small, trapped fireflies, "At least you're safe." I whispered to myself as she collapsed back onto my bed._

"_Wha's that?" Fang mumbled from behind me._

_I set the jar down and shook my head, "Nothing. Let's just go to sleep, Fang." _

_She had already gotten out of her pants, thrown them down on the floor at the edge of me bed and was in the process of pulling back the sheets when I turned back around. Fang rolled herself onto the side of my bed that was nearest to the wall and I got in beside her. She instantly latched herself onto me and I didn't even bother to try and peel her off. _

"_Night, Light." She murmured into my neck and hugged the side of my hip as fiercely as she could, "I love you."_

_My response was caught in the back of my throat. _

-x-

I woke up the next morning feeling odd and disgruntled, which was perfect because the overcast sky matched my stormy and unexplainable mood.

To be honest, I felt like the Mason jar I had just dreamed about. My mother called them glitter jars. She used to make them for Serah and I after our father passed. You mix water and glitter into a jar with a sealable top and you're supposed to shake it up when you feel upset. I don't know, watching the glitter cascade around the jar and sparkle is supposed to calm you down or something.

Sometimes it worked for me, sometimes it didn't. Serah amassed a rainbow collection of jars that sat crowded together in a corner of her room. For some reason, she felt the need to make a new one every time she got upset. Different jars for different moments in her life, I guess. Either way, I wish I had one of those jars right now. It'd feel nice to shake something up instead of being the person who was being shaken.

I pushed the duvet off of my head and shifted in bed, only to be met with Fang's backside. She was sitting cross legged in bed and hunched over something in her lap. "Fang?" I asked and she seemed to bristle at the sound of my voice.

She turned around slowly, "Mornin'."

"Good morning…" I mumbled, "…What are you doing?"

Fang turned back around and held out what she'd been staring at in her lap. A jar full of water and glitter, "You remember this?"

I pushed myself up into a sitting position and pulled the jar from out of her hands so that I could inspect it. Same rose colored liquid, same dented and golden top. I tipped it over and saw the faded sharpie on the bottom. _CF_. "…Is this the jar I gave you when I left?" I asked, "…Fang, you _kept _this?"

She turned around to look at me and frowned, "Hell, why _wouldn't_ I?"

I shrugged, "Why _would_ you? You're not really the sentimental type."

Fang flicked her bangs away from her forehead and I could have sworn I saw her roll her eyes at me, "Always saw it as a little piece of Bodhum that I could keep near me. One that wasn't completely destroyed by the choices I made as a reckless teenager." She got out of bed and stretched her arms over her head, "You hungry?"

"…Why are you always so quick to change the subject?" I asked.

"Maybe because unlike you, Light, I'm not trying to make things weird this morning." Fang snapped, "Now are you hungry or what?"

"No." I mumbled, turning over to set the jar on the nightstand at my side.

I sank back into bed and threw the sheets over my head so I didn't have to look at Fang anymore. I wanted to go back to sleep. I wanted an eternity of endless and dreamless sleep that was as empty as I felt. I wanted to sleep and reverse time so we could go back to last night.

I wanted to be underneath shining, blinding lights again with Fang's hands on my hips, her breath on my neck, her body pressed against mine in the most sinful way possible. I wanted her to brush my hair away from my eyes as she had did last night and just _look _at me with that adoration she held but I always refused. I was frigid and intent on thriving in my loneliness, no matter how silent and cold it was. I'd shy away from that warmth and what it meant because I didn't deserve it. I would _never _deserve it.

"_Lightning_."

"I said _no_!" I shouted from underneath the sheets.

Fang sucked her teeth, muttered something about my incorrigibility under her breath and closed the door to her bedroom.

-x-

I woke sometime in the mid afternoon to the sound of rain pelting the windows of Fang's bedroom and a horrible and dull aching feeling in my lower abdomen. A headache was forming behind my eyes and my stomach was gnawing at my insides, begging me to put something in my body even when I was trying to drown it out with my own stupidity. There was another surge of pain in my lower abdomen and I instantly knew why I'd been so grumpy that morning, remembering our nighttime shenanigans aside.

Fang spoke up at the sound of my muffled moan, "Lightning, you up? You okay over there?"

I threw the duvet off of my head and pushed myself up to find Fang poised at her laptop with a mug by her side, "Care to get me something so I don't bleed all over your white sheets?"

She stared at me for a minute and then realization dawned on her features. "Gotcha." She said, getting up to leave the room.

As she left, I leaned forward to hold my head in my hands. If the world didn't stop spinning, and my insides didn't stop churning I was going to explode. I'd never felt so horrible before in my _life_. I felt like I was on a merry go round, or better yet, one of those tilt-a-whirls. I was pinned to the machine, spinning endlessly in a vortex of nausea and regret. I was _never _drinking again.

I threw up just as Fang came back in the room with an assortment of multicolored packages in her hands. She paused, her mouth half open, as she was in the process of saying something smart. She promptly shut it when she saw the way I was clutching my stomach and dry heaving onto her bed. "…_Well_… then. So much for trying not to ruin my sheets."

I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and looked up at her with the most pitiful expression. "I need a shower."

"Was just about to go suggest it." She said, "Go on, I'll clean up the mess. Don't worry about it, love. You look a mess."

"I _feel_ a mess." I muttered as I made my way out of the bedroom and immediately turned left to enter the bathroom.

A shower was what I needed most at the moment. I needed a chance to reset. To press pause on a scene gone horribly wrong and rewind it to the point where it became salvageable. I stripped off the t-shirt and my underwear and grimaced at the sticky, sick feeling on my skin. I felt disgusting.

But, this was a purely physical form of disgust. My head ached with the regret of last night and my body was trying to teach me a lesson. _Stop being so reckless, don't dive head first into things. What about your control? What about how tightly you held yourself together in Luxerion? Don't let all of that go just because you're in the center of sin, Yusnaan._

On the emotional level, I was somewhat blank. My frustrations didn't lie with what had transpired between Fang and me last night. Except… except when we got home. That should have never happened. That would _never _happen. I couldn't let that happen. A kiss, I could repent for that. But … but the direction that Fang almost took things in? I don't think I could deal with being placed in a situation like that ever again.

As I was standing there mentally running the night over and over in my head, Fang began knocking on the door and I felt the urge to bang my head on the shower tiles until I developed a concussion.

"Light?" She called from outside.

"_What_?" I groaned after she called my name.

"Sheesh, bite my head off why don't ya?" I heard the door open and she shuffled into the room. Her silhouette was a muddled, grey shadow on the other side of the shower curtain. "I've got some clothes here for you to change into."

"…Thanks." I muttered.

"How ya feelin'?" She asked.

"Fine." I replied.

"Mmm… I'm gonna go boil some water and make you some tea. …I guess I should try and find something to cook for you, too. …Maybe we should just order out again?"

"…Can this conversation wait until I get _out _of the shower? Can I at least have _one_ moment to myself?" I asked, banging my head softly on the tile again.

"You getting off in here without me, Lightning?"

"_FANG_."

"I'll see you when you get out." She laughed loudly and closed the door behind her, leaving me with the slowly rising steam and pristine white tiles. I closed my eyes and imagined the water drowning me right then and there.

-x-

I was sitting in the living room with my hair half dried and an intense scowl on my face.

Fang was sitting at my side, laptop open in her lap and humming to some imaginary tune like she didn't have a care in the world. Of course she didn't. Her insides weren't waging war on each other like mine were. I sipped at my tea and scowled at the television over the rim of the mug, hoping that the woman smiling about some asinine product felt my inner wrath and slowly bubbling rage. Why was she _smiling_? There was nothing to smile about.

Fang stopped typing to look up at me and she grinned, "Looking like your old self over there, sunshine."

"You know I hate that nickname."

"Well, you're the one that earned it ever since you insisted everyone start calling you Lightning, yeah?" She yawned as she stretched her arms over her head, "Damn, my students are all sodding idiots. I just gave six F's in a class of eighteen. A third of the people in this class are completely stupid."

"They're your students." I said, "Meaning you must be a horrible professor if so many of them are failing your coursework."

"Woah, slow down. I ain't a professor just yet, honey. The correct term is _TA_."

"Whatever." I said, waving my hand.

"And it ain't my fault they're so damn dumb. God damn freshman." Fang mumbled to herself, "How you feelin'?" She asked as she closed her laptop and leaned forward to set it down on the coffee table.

I sipped at my tea, "Better than last night for sure."

"Oh?" She asked. There was almost an encouraging tone in her voice, "So… you _did _enjoy our night out?"

"I never said I didn't." I muttered around the rim of the mug as I narrowed my eyes at the television again. How in the world did so many people sit around watching this nonsensical crap on a daily basis?

"You were moody this morning, though." She said.

"Yeah, well. We already know the explanation for that, don't we?" I asked, whipping my head around to look at her and instantly wished that I didn't. I held my forehead and winced. That shower may have washed off the grime, but I was still in pain.

"Hey, don't bite _my _head off." She said, "Your head still hurt?"

I nodded, "Its throbbing. _Everywhere_."

"Told you not to drink so much."

"Bullshit, Fang. You _encouraged _it." I muttered through clenched teeth, "You bought _all _of my drinks."

"Yeah… maybe I did." She rose from the sofa and waved to me, "Hold on, I'll be back."

I set my mug down and uncrossed my legs from underneath me. A few seconds later I felt Fang's hands press down into my temples and something warm covered my eyes. I went to grab for her hands but she stopped me before I could.

"Calm down. That might help some." She said as I felt her collapse onto her side of the sofa again.

…She was right. It did feel nice. It _did _take away some of the throbbing pain I felt behind my eyes. I pressed the cloth down with the heels of my palms and sighed again as the warmth sunk into the sockets of my eyes and spread to where I needed it most.

"Better?" She asked with more mirth in her voice.

"Yeah." I muttered, "…Feels amazing actually."

"Funny what a little bit of heat can do, hm?" Fang commented as the intercom to her apartment rang, "Must be the food."

"What'd you get?"

"Sushi." She said, "You _like _fish, right?"

I caught the double meaning in her suggestion and sighed in exasperation, "_Yes_, Fang. I _like_ fish."

"Good." She said, "I ordered like four different kinds. Who cares? If we don't finish it, Vanille'll eat it all. God damn glutton."

"You two seem to have quite the antagonistic relationship as of late." I said, "I don't remember you ever speaking of your cousin with such … disregard."

"Vanille's just in that special place in your early twenties where you're making tons of stupid decisions and you don't care who you hurt in the process." Fang said, "Something you never went through and I grew out of when I was a teenager. Nothing more, nothin' less."

"You're still twenty three." I removed the cloth from my eyes and flipped it over to its warmer side.

"Uh, yeah. For another month. Might as well already call me twenty four now." Fang said as she opened the door and accepted the delivery. She sauntered back over to the sofa and I heard her drop the plastic bag onto the table in front of us, "Time to eat."

I removed the cloth from my eyes and set it down on my lap. Fang pulled out a large, circular plastic container and sat it down on the table. She handed me a pair of chopsticks and I thanked her as she broke apart her own, "This feels oddly nostalgic." I murmured as I sifted through a row of salmon rolls.

"You weren't a pescatarian until you started swimming, right?"

"Not until I became competitive."

"That didn't last long did it?"

"I stopped before we left for Luxerion, remember?" I murmured, pausing at the thought of my past, "…Though I wanted to stop long before that."

Fang paused at my admission, "What do you mean by that?"

I shook my head, "Just what I said."

"I thought you loved swimmin' though? You were like a god damn fish in the water. I was pretty sure that one day you'd grow a god damn tail and swim away from Bodhum."

I shrugged, "Swimming was… swimming was a relief. But after awhile it became something …" Something tainted. Something evil. Something that I wanted to shy away from even though everyone thought I loved it so much.

"Somethin'?" She prompted as she narrowed her eyes at me, "There somethin' you wanna tell me?"

"…I'll … I'll tell you about it later. We should just eat for now." I turned to see that she was still looking at me with that same intense look of hers, "Fang, don't look at me like that."

"Well what does _later _imply?"

"When I feel like it." I lowered my chopsticks, "I can't eat anymore."

Fang nearly spit out her food, "You kiddin' me? I ordered this _specifically _for you."

I frowned, "Yeah, well. My appetite is null right about now."

"You've barely eaten today." She said, "Light, eat _something_."

I picked up my chopsticks and forced a roll of spicy salmon into my mouth. I blanched on the flavor of the fish and slowly chewed my way through the seaweed and rice, "_Happy_?"

"I don't _ever_ remember you being this bitchy on your period, god damn." Fang sighed.

"Well if my god damn brain wasn't trying to pound its way into my throat and my stomach and back didn't hurt so much, _maybe_ I'd be more pleasant." I snapped.

She set her chopsticks down and wordlessly reached for the lukewarm cloth draped on my thigh. Fang left for the kitchen where I heard her messing around with a few pots and pans. I called out to her, but she didn't respond, so I picked at the sushi some more while I waited for her to come back into the living room. She returned with a steaming bowl of water which she sat down on the floor by the sofa.

Fang still didn't say anything as she turned back around and headed upstairs, only to return with a long black flannel blanket. I raised a curious eyebrow when she plopped back on the sofa with the blanket gathered up in her arms. Fang turned my way, spread her legs and patted at the space between them, "Come here."

"What?" I asked, fishing around for another piece of sushi.

"Come here, back to me." She patted in front of her again when I didn't budge, "You're complaining about your body bein' all out of whack, so I'm gonna do something about it. Guess I'm partially to blame, so might as well fix it, yeah?"

"What are you going to do?"

"Give you a god damn massage if you'd just stop questioning me and listen for once."

"…You don't have to." I said as I picked up another piece of sushi.

"But I should."

I set my chopsticks down in front of me and covered the sushi platter with its clear plastic top. Fang was still waiting for me, hands pressing down into her thighs and fingers pulling tightly at her skin in agitation. She noticed me staring at her fingers and stopped. Honestly, sometimes I said and did things to rile her up. But she was the same with me. Our relationship had always been a notion of give and take… what could it hurt?

"How do you want me?"

"On your back, head in my lap."

I turned my back to her and slowly laid down so that my head rested at an angle on one of her thighs. Her skin was warm. I realized she'd been holding her breath in because her stomach slowly pushed against the crown of my head in a lazy exhale. Fang leaned over and wrung out the wash cloth that had been floating in the basin of hot water at her feet and draped it back over my eyes. The whole world went dark and her fingers slipped between the strands of my hair to press at my temples.

"Why didn't you dry off? Your hair is still damp."

I shrugged my shoulders, "It's fine enough to air dry."

She grunted, "You'll catch a cold."

"I'm fine."

Her fingers worked in slow moving circles and her thumbs slid down to where my jaw began just under my ear. The rain slamming against the window pane seemed to drown out the incessant noise of the television. Fang was oddly quiet as her fingers left my temples, skimmed over the crown of my head and worked back down to the nape of my neck. The tension I held in my shoulders seemed to melt away as she worked her way down and then back up to my temples again. I was like clay in her hands, being shaped and molded to however she saw fit.

"Tell me why you quit swimming." She said, her voice barely above a whisper.

Was that her game? Get me to relax to a point where the guard came down and the words flowed freely from my mouth? I felt an inclination to shake my head, to tell her _no._ I would tell her about those days when I was ready to. Not when she wanted me to.

"Lightning. It's just the two of us right now." Fang reassured me, fingers pulling slowly at my hairline and then pushing down again, "You're safe."

"Is that what you think this is about?" I asked. "Feeling safe?"

"Isn't that what life is about?" She asked in return. "Isn't that what everyone craves? A sense of security? Safety from the storm that rages outside their windows?"

"Is that what you were looking for all those years ago?"

"What do you think?" Fang questioned, "But I've talked about enough of my past. I want to talk about you for tonight, Light. I'll ask you again. _Why _did you stop swimming?"

"…It's a long story."

"We have all night."

"…I don't know if I'm ready to talk about this…"

"Lightning." Her hands paused at the crown of my head again, "You know I'm not going to judge you for anything you tell me."

"It's not about being judged…" I said, "Sometimes there are things that are in your past that you don't want to think about again. I'm sure you feel that way with some of the stuff you've told me. I can't speak so candidly about things like you do."

"Well, try." Fang said, "You think it's better to just lock yourself away in your head? That it? Better to just let the pot boil and never remove the lid? You just want it to fizzle away until it becomes nothing and then you'll feel better about whatever bad thoughts are plaguing you?"

"To a degree, yes." I sighed, "Can't you accept a simple, 'I quit because I had to'? There has to be some profound reason for everything that I do?"

"Ain't sayin' that." Fang said, "All I know is you never told me why when we were younger. I know you want me to believe it's because you were leaving for Luxerion, but I know you. I _know _it's deeper than that. Swimming was your escape and for a time… you were afraid of the water. And I want to know why, Lightning. You've kept it buried for a long time and I think it's finally time you break that little crystal jar you like pushing your secrets into and open up."

I reached my hands up to cover hers as they moved back down to my temples and she stopped, "The coach for the swim team was also my English teacher for my first year of high school. Her name was Jihl Nabaat…"

-x-

_Jihl Nabaat. _

_Most people thought she was a cold and heartless woman. She was ruthless with her words and her voice could cut through even the toughest of tempered steel. But I was able to see the person that lied beneath the surface. She was stern, but her mannerisms were simply laden with tough love. She never believed in weakness, she only saw the inner strength of her students and she wanted to bring that out in us._

_My mother insisted that I do something with myself upon entering high school. I'd always been a hard working and disciplined student, but she wanted me to get out of my comfort zone and socialize with my peers. She said that if I loved swimming so much, I should refocus my energy into joining the school's swim team. I was adamant at first, but eventually broke down._

_It was fate that Jihl was my English teacher. She was one of two teachers that taught the honors classes for freshman and sophomores. It guaranteed that I'd probably spend time getting to know her, even if I wanted nothing more than to be another nameless face in the sea of confused adolescents. But … Jihl never allowed that to happen. Our first encounter out of class solidified that._

_I never went to lunch. I'd curl up with a book in the back of the stacks of the library, away from the pointless dribble of my classmates. There was nothing to gain from the petty fights of backstabbing females and lecherous, hormonal teenage boys. Superficiality and conformity never suited me well. _

_Jihl found me one day in early October. I'd been working my way through something new, and somewhat uncharacteristic of me since I wasn't too big on philosophy in those days—Ecce Home, a work by Nietzsche. I was startled by her sudden appearance. Not too many people ever came in the back of the stacks and if they did, it was primarily to make out and nothing less._

"_Claire, what are you doing here by yourself?"_

_I was surprised she even remembered my name. I didn't speak much in class and if I did, it was to answer a question when no one else had the answer for it. I closed my finger on where I had stopped in my book and instantly raised my head to look at her. It was like I'd been caught in the act of doing something wrong for some reason. This was supposed to be my special place where no one could disturb me and I felt like she was trespassing on sacred ground. I was quick to sling my bag over my shoulder and stuff my book in-between some random textbook and binder. _

"_I was just leaving." _

_She titled her head slightly in confusion and adjusted her glasses as they constantly had a habit of slipping down the bridge of her nose, "Did I startle you?"_

_I shook my head, "No, I have to go."_

_Jihl held out a hand as I tried to walk around her and I stilled instantly at her command, "Miss Farron, wait." __I turned slowly and she lowered her voice again, "Was that… was that Nietzsche I just saw you reading? I didn't know you were into philosophy."_

_I shook my head, wishing that she'd just drop it__ and let me go, "I'm … I'm not, it's just something that I picked up."_

"…_So you like to read then?" Jihl crossed her arms over her ample bosom and swayed her hips slightly, "I had a feeling. You don't say much in class but your literary analysis of the course material is astounding at times."_

_I fidgeted, unaware of what I should say next, so she continued._

"_I'm sorry, I don't mean to hold you." She cleared her throat and turned around, "If you're going to read Nietzsche, might I suggest you look into his work, 'On the Genealogy of Morality'? It's something like … a series of questions that explore our moral concepts and the judgments that we make. Interesting stuff. Somewhat heavy, but I believe… a precocious girl such as yourself shouldn't have a problem with such subject matter, hm? I'll see you in class tomorrow afternoon."_

_She didn't smile, but nodded to me in a courteous way, before turning around and walking toward the lower end of the stacks. I stared after her as she walked away and then promptly turned around and stole out of the library via the emergency exit. Our encounter was odd whenever I think back to it. Students always think it's weird to interact with their teachers outside of the classroom setting. It makes them anxious… or maybe it was just me. _

_About a week later, having been somewhat intrigued by Ecce Homo, I turned my eyes to On the Genealogy of Morality. …Once I was done with that, something compelled me to stick around after class so that I could talk to Jihl about it. …During that conversation I asked her about the swim team and she mentioned they were having tryouts for the upcoming season. _

_I saw a spark in her eye and I realized that was the beginning of things._

_-x-_

"…I remember those days." Fang said, removing the cloth from my eyes and dropped it back into the basin, "You asked me to help you train for three weeks leading up to tryouts. God damn, ma was so happy to get me out the house if it meant helping you."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Well, you know. We stopped talking for that summer after middle school. She was happy that we were talking again… even though it didn't last long." She wrung the cloth out and draped it back over my eyes, "…Even though it was for stupid reasons."

There was never any real reason Fang and I stopped talking. Sometimes people just grow in different ways and you get tired of trying to fix a relationship that's better left untouched. We were mostly estranged from one another for two years until the winter of our sophomore year when I needed her more than ever… and I never really knew how much she needed me. Even though neither of us could tell the other exactly what was going wrong in our lives, we wordlessly accepted each other.

We rekindled our friendship on the beach one night. I snuck out for a much needed swim while my mother was asleep and Fang was by herself, staring listlessly into the ocean. I was startled to find her on the beach as I was always alone when it was this late at night. But there she was, just staring off into the never ending darkness with her sandals dangling from her weary hands. She was almost as confused as I was to see her. But she didn't run from me that night and neither did I.

I asked her what she was doing and all she could say was she was drowning on the air of the sea. I told her I couldn't relate, the ocean had never wronged me. It was always there to cradle me and comfort me. And perhaps, if she let it. It would do the same for her as well.

What she really meant that night was that there was no way she could put what she felt into words. _I miss you. I want to talk to you. I want to be with you. I'm messed up because I can't see you. Please, talk to me. I want you. _On the surface, we simply looked like two childhood friends who had grown apart. But what I felt and what Fang knew was that we were two fragments of a completely shattered whole.

I dragged her into the water for a swim, but we merely floated side by side in the cold, dark sea. I held her hand for the first time in years and felt the warmth I had been missing for so long.

"…Lightning? You fall asleep on me?" She asked, lifting the cloth from my eyes to check and make sure I was still awake.

I nodded my headed, "…Yeah. …At any rate…"

-x-

_The tryouts were successful and even though I had tried out for the junior varsity team, Jihl saw fit to put me on the varsity. "You're that good. I can't waste your talent away on the lesser team, now can I?"_

_I didn't care either way. I would swim as much as I could, whenever I could. However, the captain of the team, a junior named Alyssa, felt threatened by my addition to the group. For some reason she felt challenged by the stony faced freshman who didn't care about the asinine hierarchy of high school. I wanted us to be the best that we could be; she was intent on trying to sabotage me in any way possible. _

_My mother was ecstatic of course. Her daughter's were exceeding her expectations in every way possible. She thought that I was reaching out to people by joining the swim team… I was just looking for a way to distract myself… or find myself. Depending on how you looked at it._

_Diving head first into the water gave me a greater sense of clarity that I could never feel while sitting listlessly in land. In the water, everything is about fluidity. You don't have to fight, you don't have to scream or cry. You just keep moving with nothing to block your path. Why would you want to stay on the earth when you could glide so effortlessly within the water? Why? __**Why**__?_

_Anyway, that winter I garnered some buzz within the jock pool of the student body. I went from being the silent, book obsessed freshman in the back of Jihl's sixth period English class to her new prized pupil. In the beginning, Alyssa _hated _me with such passion that I never knew exactly what it was about me that made her so disgusted. I always figured that she should be happy that I was helping the team win our meets. She would get so much more recognition as a captain for having a _winning _team. What was it about me that repulsed her so much? _

_It wasn't that it bothered me on the level that I felt I had to kiss up to her and apologize for my existence. I had done nothing wrong. Jealousy is a pointless emotion. If anything, I've always believed that if there's something wrong with the way you see yourself, fix it to the best of your ability. I always believed Alyssa's jealousy was aroused by my prowess in the water. _

…_But in fact, it was because she was in love with Jihl._

_-x-_

"So your captain was hot for teacher?" Fang asked.

We had taken the discussion upstairs and I was hunched over a pile of pillows on her bed while she slid in behind me from the back. My head was feeling better and Fang was currently working to untangle the mess of knots in my lower back.

"Yes." I said as she pressed down into the juncture between my shoulder blades.

"Was _everyone _on your team gay? Was this like the homo division of the swim team or something?"

"I don't think Alyssa was ever gay. She just had an unhealthy attachment to Jihl that manifested into something that was completely inappropriate." I said.

"Hm." Fang hummed in thought, "So what happened?"

"Huh?"

"What does this have to do with the reason you stopped swimming, Light?"

I lowered my eyes, "It was in the beginning of my sophomore year…"

-x-

_I valued Jihl for her knowledge of literature which far surpassed my own. I always looked to her when I wanted to read something different and didn't know where to turn. She was also my greatest critic in the water. Even though I was great, I could always be better. The more she pushed me, the more I responded. I thrived underneath pressure and she gave it to me like a two ton weight. _

_I had never known what it was to look for acceptance from anyone other than your parents, and I was never any good at that. But, Jihl… Jihl had a way with her words… or her silence. I was not enamored with her like the other girls of my team. I saw her faults and the flaws within her perfectly manicured façade. But she was my coach and my teacher, and I knew I could learn things from her. There was no sense in pushing away something that would only help you grow as a human being. _

_She used to tell me how different I was from the other girls of the swim team, as if I didn't know that. Outside our love of the water, we had little else in common. I didn't know what it was to fall in love with these boys they droned on so carelessly about. I knew that the type of relationship I yearned for, the one that I envisioned myself… I couldn't speak of that with anyone. Not my mother, not my sister… not the girls on the team. …But Jihl… Jihl, perhaps I could let my guard down for her. And I did, and she saw right through me even when I didn't realize it._

_She recommended a book for me, The Well of Loneliness by Radclyffe Hall. It's a dreadful story. And no, not because of the writing. The story itself is just heart wrenching. It's a tale of a woman named Stephen who is unconventional in just about every unacceptable way. She's … _different _from other girls her age. Different in the same way that I was. It was like I was reading the story of my life, except one hundred years before my time. And it hurt… the ending to Stephen's story ripped my heart out and squished it beneath its feet. Was that what my life was to become? Was that all my life was destined to be? Nothing but heartache? Endless pain and guilt? What was to become of my life if I could never find a happy ending in literature that mirrored who I was?_

_I returned to Jihl's office on one of my lunch breaks, completely defeated after reading that book. When she asked me what I thought of it, I told her I didn't want another recommendation that fell along the same lines as that book. _

_She told me, "…Is it because you're like Stephen, Claire? Was it depressing to see yourself written by the words of another?" She paused as she sipped her steaming mug of chai tea and set it down in two poised hands, "I know you're not like the other girls. And it's not because you like to read or you're quiet. There's a deep melancholy about you … a melancholy you try and keep quiet under that stone cold gaze of yours. It's not healthy to deny what your heart wants. You know that, right?" There was a chill in the air when she said, "You and I are more alike than I realize."_

_I didn't completely understand her words back then. I merely thought she was telling me to open up to her. Tell her what was on my mind and reassure me that whatever I felt wasn't disgusting and as vile as my father had made me believe. There were people out there that accepted you for what you were even when you felt like the rest of society was ready to strip you down to your bones and rip apart your muscles and flesh. _

_She had said we were alike. Did she mean she was like me? One afflicted with an impure soul that needed subduing rather than nurturing? My hatred of my attraction for other women wasn't as strong back then. I could conceive of possibly starting a relationship with another girl… as long as no one knew about it and we were careful about what we said and did with one another in public. No one could ever know about it and no one ever would. I didn't need anyone questioning me and hating me anymore than I hated myself._

_Either way, with her approval, I swam harder than I ever could that year. And although Jihl was a source of never ending encouragement, Alyssa's jealousy grew like a raging untamable fire that fanned out and encompassed all. I was standing in a ring of flames, trying to keep my head below the smoke as she tried to singe and burn me at any moment she could._

_After discovering the part of myself that I tried to keep buried under a blanket of apathy, Jihl became stranger, too. I noticed that she was becoming... obsessed with me. Once my sister applied to the academy in Luxerion, I realized that my life in Bodhum could be cut short at any moment. I began to pull away from school, knowing that my time spent there would be coming to an end soon and I was about to start anew in Luxerion. I didn't like loose ends, and I thought by minimizing the time people spent with, I would be doing them a favor. Not like there would be many people who missed me to begin with. _

_It was that winter that I saw a side of Jihl I never knew existed and it scared me. I soon realized that perhaps the affection my teacher felt for me wasn't as pure and innocent as I believed it to be. She lashed out at me in the littlest of instances, told me that I wasn't as great as I thought I was. In the quiet of her office, she would apologize to me and say she would learn to curb her words. She was stressed out with something… maybe because she was losing her star pupil? Or maybe it was me shying away from all her unwanted sexual advances? The unwanted touches, the lingering gazes...the lightly disguised praises full of __amorous want. _

_I knew it had to end when she tried to kiss me two days shy of our first meet of the season and I __backhanded her so hard she nearly fell to the floor. I should have quit the team after that happened, but I didn't._

_Alyssa cornered me one day while we were in the locker room and told me that whatever it was I was doing to make Jihl so angry that it needed to stop. Jihl was taking out her frustrations on the rest of the team and it wasn't fair that my shortcomings were ruining the already tense atmosphere. I didn't have many words for Alyssa, but I told her I was tired of the way she involved herself in everyone's business and the way she hung onto Jihl for every single thing. Why couldn't she stand on her own two feet? Why did she need so much approval from a woman who never paid her any attention? A woman who could _never _love her_?

_She saw fit to slap me right then and there and I punched her across the face in return. Alyssa never said anything to me again. I had wounded her heart and probably her soul. She knew she would never win with me no matter how much she hated me, no matter how much she tried._

_I quit the team after I won our first meet. I told Jihl my intention just before the meet started and I met with her in her office before I left to go home with my mother and sister. She knew there was already a possibility of me leaving as my mother was still waiting to hear the decision of the academy over in Luxerion. It didn't matter either way._

_Jihl was absolutely livid, talking about how I would ruin the team if I left. I had already ruined _her. _Why did I insist on destroying everything else that lied in my path? "I was right to give you the name _Lightning_. You _are _like lightning. Not only are you fast, you destroy everything you touch with your hands, do you know that? Lightning flashes bright and then fades away. It destroys and never protects." She removed her glasses and slid her hands over her face, "I have given you _everything _and look at you just throwing it away."_

"_What you've given me is something I never needed or wanted." I said. "You tried to groom me into thinking that I needed you, but I never did. You are my _coach_, my _teacher. _There is nothing more that would have come of this relationship." _

_I wasn't Claire anymore. She'd stolen Claire away and turned her into something that was hard and cold and _wrong_. Claire was the girl she had met in the library, trying to hide away under the shelter of paper and bounded tomes. Claire was the girl who sought the approval of a woman a decade older than her because she thought she could be like her. Claire was rough, but Lightning was rougher. Claire never spoke because she never felt like she had to, Lightning would take her place and speak up when she needed to. _

"_And you're right. I _am _like lightning." I said. "I always have been… I just haven't seen it."_

_She laughed a low and bitter laugh. Like she was choking on her words and couldn't sort herself out. Jihl looked up at me through spread fingers and blinked, "You think you're so different, Claire, don't you? You'll listen to anyone who can fill up your head with stories of a life that are so unlike your own, won't you?" She rose from her desk and I instinctively backed away to the door, "Let me tell you something. There is nothing waiting out there for you in the world but _pain _and I am the one person that can grant you salvation and freedom. We could be great together and you seem so intent on throwing it away."_

"_I'm _fifteen_." I said as my back met the cold, grey door. _

"_Exactly." She said, "You are so malleable at this stage and I don't think you realize just how much of your potential is still dormant and untapped... a potential just waiting to be explored. I don't think you realize how much I can _help _you. If you quit this team, I will _destroy _you in ways you could never fathom, Farron. Don't be foolish. We all know how much it would kill your if your little secret ever got out, hm?"_

"…_I'll tell everyone what you are." I said, feeling my eyes and heart burning with the intensity of fire that was the color of ice, "That wouldn't bode well with a school such as this, right? Such a prestigious institution with such a dirty scandal festering in its halls? Well, Jihl?"_

_All I can remember after I said that were her hands around my neck and the fluorescent lights blinking overhead. Perhaps… in hindsight, I shouldn't have bated her like that. Perhaps… I should have braced myself to punch her like I had done to Alyssa a few days earlier. I should have read Jihl's body language and knew that she wasn't going to give up on me that easily. I should have known that I should have taken my mother with me. I should have known. My life was full of so many should haves at that point. _

_Just like Claire should have survived that day… _

…_But she didn't and from her ashes, Lightning was born. _

-x-

Fang's palms were planted firmly on my back and I had covered my mouth with both hands as the last words left my lips. The rain had stopped outside and there was a low, whirring moan coming from the rushing wind against the windows. The room was dim, laden with a mind numbing heaviness that made my vision swim before me.

"Lightning… she didn't…"

I shook my head, "They found me… they found her. Half dressed… half…"

"Don't say it if brings the memories back, just don't. Okay?"

I inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly, "Nothing happened, Fang… nothing happened. At least, that's what I was told. That's what my medical exam said."

I felt blank, trying to recall the memories of what had happened. My mother, tight lipped and silent at my bedside in the hospital. Serah, confused about why I was home so much in my last semester in Bodhum. The school … the authorities. Keeping everything hushed because I was a minor. Jihl's questionable disappearance, everyone looking at me like I was a plague that would never go away.

"She choked me out and I passed out… apparently, Alyssa was the one that found us. Jihl had … Jihl had…"

They found her kissing me with her one of her hands firmly cupping me between my legs. That's what Alyssa had said when she came to visit me at home one day. She wanted to talk and I wanted to know what she remembered about that day. She said Jihl had only stripped me down to my bra and jeans, intent on going further than I would ever know … what I would ever _allow_. If Alyssa hadn't found me when she did… who knows where I would be today. Who _knows _what would have happened.

"…I never wanted to look at the water again. Every time I looked at it I thought of her." I said, "I only felt… I only felt safe if you were there."

"Is that why you had me meet you at school to walk you home all the time?" Fang finally rose from behind me and sat down in front of me so she could grab my hands in hers, "…But you said you hated the water… why did you always go down to the beach so much if you hated it?"

"You know how rape victims sometimes go back to the place where they were attacked to confront some unresolved issue that they have? Or maybe they've finally reached a point in their recovery where they can wear the clothes they were assaulted in?" I asked, feeling my voice tremble slightly with the pressure of unshed tears. I closed my eyes and tried to ground myself again, "It's something like that. …If you were there, I didn't have to be afraid anymore, and Fang, I…"

She dropped my hands suddenly and I felt something smooth and cold being pressed into them. Her hands covered mine and I opened my eyes to see the glitter jar resting within them, "Shake it with me."

"…Fang." I said, feeling a sliver of joy circling the deep despondency in my heart and squeezing it tight. Such a simple gesture and it felt like the world was trying to set itself right again.

"Come on, it'll make you feel better." Fang said, "…Or maybe we can make a new one? How old is this jar, anyway?"

"Older than I can remember." I said, wiping at my eye with the knuckle of my index finger, "I made this when I was a kid. It's got to be at least over fifteen years old by now."

"Shake it for the fifteen year old you then." Fang said, giving it a small shake, "Shake it for the times when you wanted to cry but you couldn't. For all the feelings I know you've stuffed down and never felt like you could voice. Shake it for Claire, Light. Can you do that?"

"…Yeah, I think I can." I said as Fang let it go and I gave it a hard shake.

The jar felt light in my hands after I stopped shaking it. The glitter rapidly spun around in never ending circles and I watched it spiral before slowly settling on the bottom of the jar again. The water settled with small bubbles collecting near the top of the jar and it slowly returned to its normal, undisturbed magenta color.

It was nice, and I felt calmer. Calmer than I ever had after any sermon during morning prayer or reading any scripture in my bed at night. Was this what I was looking for? Was this what I had really been missing? Was this… was this what Fang wanted me to see? Was this what she wanted me to feel? I felt like crying and smiling all at the same time. Fang was stripping me down wholly and completely and I never realized just how messed up I had been after all these years. I thought I was better… I truly did. Maybe I was wrong.

I handed her the jar and she leaned back to place it back on the nightstand. I folded my hands in my lap, feeling demure and exposed. It wasn't bad… I just wasn't used to the feeling at all.

When Fang rounded back to face me on the bed, she grabbed my face in her hands and pulled me in to press a soft kiss to my forehead. I was startled for a minute but recovered when she pushed her fingers through my hair and stared me straight in the eyes. "Light, if _anyone _ever hurts you again, I don't want you to hide it from me. You got that?" She asked, "I'll _kill _anyone that lays a hand on you, do you understand me?"

"Fang, I get—"

She shook her head, "No, sweetheart. I don't think you do. Not at all." She dropped her hands from my hair and smoothed out the edges to tuck behind my ear, "You deserve happiness… and I'll be damned if you continue to let people take that away from you."

There was an earnest look in her eyes that I couldn't deny no matter how much I wanted to look away and say otherwise. Fang was right. Fang had always been right and would always be right no matter what I said or did. Why couldn't I just admit that to myself?

"I'm tired." I said, no longer wanting to talk about this anymore. I was drained. Completely and utterly _drained_. "…Can we … can we just sleep? Take a nap and get up to eat later or something?"

"Yeah, we can." She got off the bed while I pulled the duvet back and got in. Fang hit the light by her door and sauntered back across the room in short strides, "Want me to set an alarm?"

I checked the clock. It was only six. "Eight?" I said.

"That sounds reasonable." She pressed a couple of buttons on her clock and then got into bed beside me. I stared at Fang as she turned over to face me in the darkness, "You okay?"

I didn't respond vocally but pushed myself forward so that I could throw an arm over her side and hug her closer to me. With my other arm curled to my chest, I sank down to bury my face in her chest over where her heart was. It was a quick and comforting thump against my ear and I thought I heard it skip a beat and quicken when I hugged her.

Fang ran her fingers through my hair again, pushing it from my face and sighed. Her arm came to rest down on my shoulders and pulled me in close so that our legs became a tangled mess under the sheets.

For once, I felt protected against the shade of the night.


	6. tea lights

**vi: tea lights**

Humans are supposed to be social creatures.

This means that we're supposed to share in a collective experience with others of our kind. But subjective experience shapes us and influences how we relate to one another. One person might find they have a harder time coping with something than someone else might. For me, it's always been emotional vulnerability. Which, as a woman I guess it's to be expected. Even though I don't think that's always the case.

Basically, you grow up in a certain way. Your parents try to hammer certain ideas into your head and they stick with you no matter how hard you try to change them. Sure, you can try and change yourself as an adult. But it's hard. It's so hard to try and break down the inadequacies and traumas your formative years leave you with. I should know. I've been trying to fix them for the last eight years of my life.

When I was younger, I remember my parents being invited to get-togethers. The invites grew scarce after my father died, but there were many while my parents were still considered a _normal_ couple. Most of the time my mother asked Fang's mother to look after Serah and me, which was something she was always a bit wary about seeing as Fang's mother was just as off as her daughter. Not to mention the glaring language barrier between the two, which my mother liked to solve with a hesitant, yet well meaning smile.

But sometimes my parent's friends had kids. And you know, for some sick reason adults seem to think that sharing a commonality in age is an instant guarantee that you're bound to get along with one another. It's almost as if they don't remember what it was like to be a child… I'm sure most of them don't.

I always hated these events. Most of my time was spent huddled into a corner with whatever book I was reading at the moment. I never cared about paying too much attention to what was going on around me. Sometimes Serah tried to get me in on the games she and the other children were playing. I only let go when she really begged me. And even those times were rare. I never really had the propensity for social interaction.

**Your sister is weird. Why won't she play with us?**

_Claire isn't weird! You're **weird**._

At the end of the night, I always remembered my father's stern gaze and my mother's slender and comforting fingers running through my hair. My father wouldn't say much, but my mother's weary smile would convey all the words he never bothered to waste. I'm sure their friend's children would talk. _Claire doesn't play with us_, I'm sure they would say. _Next time, only let Serah come over. She's fun_.

There are a myriad of reasons as to why I always felt different from these children and it is hard to pinpoint just one. It's odd that Fang and I got along so well because she was just as wild as the rest of them. But even so, Fang was just as different as I was. Maybe it was because she came from a place halfway across the globe and her native language, customs and traditions were all lost to her at such a young age. It's only natural that she would latch onto someone who seemed to stand out from the crowd.

She was just another person standing with me on the outside, continually staring in, but unwilling to subject herself to the strict and moronic code of rules and regulations.

-x-

Fang wasn't around much for the beginning of July.

Work kept her away from the apartment for the majority of the day and when she got home she'd spent most of her time working on her laptop until she was ready to sleep. She was always apologizing for being gone every time she came home to find me curled up on the living room sofa with a book while Vanille watched trashy reality shows beside me. I made sure to remind her daily that the purpose of me coming to Yusnaan wasn't to spend time with her yappy cousin.

But deep down, I didn't really mind. I had only been there for almost a month, but Yusnaan was starting to grow on me. Maybe it was because of Fang; maybe it was because I was becoming a different person now that I had been pulled out of Luxerion. It didn't really matter. All I knew was that my mood had been lighter and my mind was less clouded.

One day, when Fang had a particularly early shift and was gone before I even woke up, I decided I wanted to step out to find a church. My initial purpose wasn't to go there to pray. I just had some questions and they needed answers... and it was something I couldn't talk to Fang about. She was open minded, sure. But, I knew talking with her about religion would send her into a spiraling lecture about what I needed to stop thinking about and focus on.

I left the house at noon and headed straight for the Augurs Quarter. The Order's influence was weak in Yusnaan, but there were a few chapels scattered throughout the city, often dwarfed by even taller buildings. I'd found them all clustered together in the Augurs Quarter one evening while I was out for a walk.

The church I had chosen was quiet and small, not what I was used to back in Luxerion or Bodhum for that matter. But it was warm and somewhat comforting. I guess… intimate in a sense. There were votive candles alit behind the altar. A priest was standing to the side of the candles, flipping through the pages of a book on a white clothed table.

"Father?" I called to him and he immediately jumped to turn around and look at me. "…Sorry for disturbing you."

"No, no." He turned around and straightened his robes, "It is all right. We don't have many visitors around this time of day so you startled me. Please, don't hesitate to come into the house of God, my child."

"Right..." I advanced toward the altar and stood before him, "Do you have a minute?"

"That and much more." He gestured toward the pew behind me as if silently instructing me to sit, "What is it that you need?"

"I'm having trouble with something ... something personal."

He nodded in understanding, "Well, I am here to provide guidance where I can. What is it?"

My entire existence is what it was. I took a deep breath and fisted my hands into the fabric of my pants, "Scripture ... clearly teaches that those who partake in homosexual practices are surely to be condemned to the eternal flames of hell." I could feel my voice shaking even before I opened my mouth, "...But... can someone be sent to hell just because they were born in a way that they cannot control?"

"You mean someone with the desire to partake in sexual relations with the same sex?"

"Yes."

The priest mused silently for a minute and then turned his eyes to the rack of votive candles before us, "We are all the children of God, even though we were born from the blood of Etro. And he loves us, even in our sins and wrongdoings." He paused and then turned his eyes up to the ceiling of the chapel, "God does not hate you for the way that you were born, my child, for he did not create you. But those that follow his word must know of the sins and temptations that arise from partaking in such acts."

"So he accepts you as long as you don't have relationships with people who are of the same gender as you? Is that what the scripture really means?" I asked, "Even while I was studying it, that's the same conclusion I came to as well, but..."

"But?"

"How am I supposed to find happiness in a life that condemns my entire existence?" I asked, "We were created from Etro and yet we hold the teachings of Bhunivelze as absolute. Surely there is something wrong with this picture."

The priest shook his head in a solemn manner, "Etro was crafted by the hands of God. There is no question or doubt about whose teachings must be held absolute." He sighed, "It is unfortunate that so many people have to lead these lives of pain, but because of this, they will find strength and conviction."

"Wouldn't this simply drive someone further into despair?"

"That is simply what our time spent on Earth is. An endless cycle of despair." He said, "Hold true to the word of God and you will see that at the end of your days, you are a stronger person because of all you suffered and endured."

"…Is that all there is to life?"

"Is it not enough to know that you will be granted life eternal once you depart from this world?"

"…No." I shook my head, "No, it isn't. I don't think I can live the next fifty… sixty years of my life knowing that God wants me to repent and pray for something that I can't control. I never asked for this."

The priest sighed as though he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. And maybe he did. After all, I knew it wasn't easy to be a beacon of guidance when you were just as fallible and lost as the people who came to you for help, "…No one asked to come into this world, my child. And yet, here we are. We live day to day, doing the same things over and over again and for what? What of those who don't believe in the faith? They still keep going, do they not? Even if they do not believe in the salvation that Bhunivelze offers us."

"But they're different." I responded.

"We are all alike more so than you believe. Every human being upon this planet struggles with their existence." He began, "But with God's assurance, we know that at the end of our days all of it will be done."

"…That doesn't seem like reason enough to go on." I murmured, "Everything that you're saying is what I already know and always found myself believing in. I used to think that if I prayed hard enough and if I sought penance for these unnatural thoughts that that would be enough for me. I thought that I would be happier… that I would be relieved that I was doing what God wanted me to do. But I find myself questioning if this is the right thing. If this is really how we're supposed to live our lives."

"Everyone questions their faith at times, especially in the face of adversity. It is a test to see how strong your conviction is. You don't see it yet, but the almighty Father has called upon you to be a shepherd of his word. To spread his message to those who have yet to answer his call. If others with your condition were to see how strong you were, surely they would follow in your unwavering footsteps."

"…But I'm not unwavering." I said as I turned to look him square in the eye, "And I don't want others following my example. My burden is not for them to share. It never was and never will be."

"But it is. We are to share in the wonder and mystery of Bhunivelze's word and grace. He has given us life—"

"No, scripture states that Etro gave us life." I corrected him, "And God wanted nothing to do with his daughter. Perhaps, that's why humans are the way that they are. Perhaps this is Etro's curse. She wanted to defy the father that abhorred her creation, so she saw fit to create creatures as flawed as she."

The priest grew quiet and nodded his head in what appeared to be agreement, "Perhaps. But, this is why God wants you to reject such impure parts of you. Only focus on what is righteous and good."

"That's denying my humanity." I said, "I'm through with denying my humanity."

"…My child?"

I rose from my seat and turned to look down at the priest who had a bewildered expression on his face, "…I grew up with the faith. My father was a firm believer who made sure we went to church every Sunday and celebrated the mystery of God. He believed humans could never understand why Bhunivelze wanted us to be this way. But, he used to tell me that this was the path to salvation. That God was light. That he would always guide me morally and righteously in times of strife and confusion."

"Your father sounds like a just and moral man."

I felt the urge to laugh in his face, but I held it in. "He wasn't. He was corrupt and full of malice because he knew his child was gay and therefore, an abomination in the eyes of the Lord. And instead of treating me with love and compassion, he treated me with contempt. As if I weren't even human." I paused and crossed my arms over my chest, "I've been living in Luxerion for nearly a decade now and the Order's influence is everywhere. It covers the city in a thick blanket of mist and clouds your thoughts and fills your mind with these messages that makes you ride anxiety like an uncontrollable high. If you're different you must repent."

"But, surely you have felt inner calm and peace living in the city that acts as the ruling body for the Order?"

"No. ..._No_." I said, "I have never felt calm or at peace with any of this … this bullshit that comes from all of this mess. I try and fill my mind with endless repetitions of scripture and mantras and prayers and I hope that one day it will fix these thoughts and feelings buried in the deepest parts of me. I pray that one day I'll be right in the eyes of God, of society, of the _world_. I never wanted this, and I am tired of rejecting who I am because I live in a world that condemns those who are different and can never fit the mold that everyone expects of them."

"There is so much confusion and sickness in your heart." The priest began as he stood up and began to advance toward me, "Tell me, child. Have you come to me because you have committed grave sins against the Lord? Have you succumbed to homosexual desire and you wish to cleanse yourself and pray for forgiveness? I can offer you a cleansing bath and prayer—"

"No, I don't want _any_ of what you can offer. I came for answers and I have found nothing." I cut him off, "I grow tired of telling myself that I'm all right living like this because I've been lying to myself all this time. I'm tired of pretending like I can keep these thoughts shut off and that the life I've been trying to live is helping me. I can't do this anymore. I just can't."

"So you will turn your back on the God who has done nothing but try and love you?"

I shrugged as I turned my back on the priest and began to walk out of the chapel, "Maybe I will."

-x-

On the day that I turned sixteen, Fang took me out on what I would never call a date.

Even though she paid for everything. Even if she continuously tried to hold my hand through the entire thing. Even though I felt her breathing down my neck as her hand migrated up my thigh in the darkness of the movie theater, it wasn't a date.

I didn't like to label things when it came to our relationship. It was weird. I just needed someone to be there for me because I didn't want to be alone. My mother was constantly travelling back and forth to Luxerion with Serah and she left me home alone more than she would have liked. But, Fang was there to break through the silence with just her presence alone.

…It was kind of like how things were now.

It was dusk and Fang was home early for once. She'd brought back sushi for dinner for the fourth night in a row. Not that I was complaining, but it would have been nice to have something different.

We were sitting opposite one another on the couch again. Fang, with her arm thrown over her eyes and me, reading a book ... although I had to admit it wasn't really capturing my attention. Fang had been in the process of grading another set of papers when she set her laptop down and told me she was taking a half hour break.

I glanced at the clock. It was almost eight, time was up. I closed my book down on my thumb and learned forward to place a hand on Fang's thigh to shake her awake, "Hey, time to get up."

"Don't wanna." Fang mumbled, "Feels like I haven't sleep in days."

"Well, you've been working a lot." I said, reclining so that my back was pressed against the arm of the couch again.

"Too much, they've been working me like a slave." She said, pulling her arm away from her eyes, "God, I didn't have you come here so I could ignore you for two months."

I shrugged, "I'm used to being alone, Fang."

"Yeah, I know." She sighed at me and pushed herself up so she could look at me, "So, where did you go today? Vanille said she stopped by on her lunch break to pick something up and you weren't here."

I set my book down on the coffee table and stretched my arms over my head, "I went to go find a priest."

"For what?"

"I wanted to talk to him about some things." I replied, "Some _personal_ things if that's all right with you."

Fang cocked her head to the side, "You feelin' all right?"

I nodded, "Fine actually ... best I've felt in ages."

"Told you Luxerion wasn't doing you any good." Fang said, as she sat up and leaned forward for her laptop, "What? Ya havin' a change of faith or somethin'? Felt like it was something you couldn't talk to crazy ole Fang about?"

"To some degree, yes." I shrugged, "It's nothing you have to worry about, Fang. I promise."

"If you say so..." She trailed off, "So, listen. I got the weekend off. Friday and Saturday that is, these morons are making me go in to work on Sunday. Let's say you an' me go out and paint the town red, huh?"

"I'm not going out drinking with you again." I snapped, unfortunately recalling how I felt the morning after everything was said and done.

"Hey, you get drunk enough and I'll give you another rubdown if you end up with a hangover."

"I appreciate the sentiment, but I'd rather stay in." I said as I picked up my book and officially ended the conversation.

Fang shrugged, "…Then we'll stay in. We'll have a girl's night in or some gay shit like that. How's that sound?"

"Are you proposing a sleepover?"

"If that's what you wanna call it, sure."

"What are we? Twelve?"

"Come on, Light. It'll be fun." Fang grinned as she turned her attention down to her laptop, "We'll get Van and Hope in on it too. As far as I'm concerned, he's one of the girls."

"Just because a gay man is somewhat effeminate doesn't mean you get to label as one of the _girls, _Fang."

Fang sighed in exasperation, "It's a joke, Light. Ha, ha. _HA_." She looked up at me, "The religion thing is one thing but you're not gonna get all PC on me, are you?"

"…Politically correct?" I questioned as I looked up from my book, "Not at all when it comes to you. I know you just say whatever you want, however you want, whenever you feel like it."

"Then why are you getting so fussy over this?"

I closed my book again and sighed, "I'm misdirecting my anger. I'm sorry."

Fang's eyebrows shot up and she closed her laptop again, "…_Whoa_. Lightning? Apologizin'? This is somethin' new … you sure you don't want to talk about why you left earlier?"

"It's just…" I began abruptly. The words spilled out of me before I even had my thoughts together. "…It's just… I've been thinking about some things. It's almost been a month since I've been here and things have been going surprisihfdhfdhfdhfhfdhfdhf well… emotional hiccups aside."

Fang cocked her head to the side like she didn't understand what I meant, "Huh?"

"I mean… you know… just _things_." I waved my hand, unsure of how to explain myself. I never was any good with talking. It was better to just stay silent and let your feelings rise and then subside. At least, that's what I always thought. "Like … what happened last week."

"Oh... you mean when you were on the rag?" Fang asked. "Pft, Light. That's a part of life. I ain't gonna get mad at you for—"

"I mean being incorrigible and trying to fight you when you're trying to help me." I interjected and cut her off. "I mean … I mean how I keep pulling you toward me, only to push you away when I feel like you're getting too close. I've always done that and I'm sorry."

She rubbed the back of her head, "Well, I ain't always been the easiest person to get along with either… so you're not completely guilty with that."

"But I've pushed you away ever since my mother died."

"And Serah left." Fang reminded me even when I wish she didn't.

"_Don't _bring her up."

Fang threw her arms over her head and sighed in exasperation again, "Here we go again." She leaned over the chair and covered her face with her hands, "_Why, _Lightning. Just _why _can't I bring her up? Is it because she got knocked up at the peak of her dancing career? Is that it? Are you still mad because she fucked up her dream and got pregnant when you were all she had left in the world?" She gestured toward herself, "I mean, if you wanna get mad at someone, get mad at _me _and all the dead babies I've flushed down the toilet. No wonder God saw fit to fuck up my tubes to make sure I'd never get pregnant again, yeah?"

"…_No_. And please, Fang. Don't talk like that." I sighed, "It's … it's a long, painful and convoluted story when it comes to Serah. I don't think I can ever forgive myself … or _her _for the way that things went after my mother's death."

"Tell me about it then."

I shook my head, "No."

"Lightning."

"_No_, Fang." I said, rising from the couch. "If you really want to know why I left today, I went to go talk to a priest about homo…" I paused and cleared my throat, "…I mean, same sex relationships. He basically told me everything I already knew."

"Which was?" I could still hear the irritation in her voice.

"God doesn't blame you for the sin you were born with, but he'll condemn you to hell the minute you start partaking in homosexual acts." I said, "Pray to God and seek his eternal love and you'll be free."

"Yeah, and?"

"I thought he would tell me something different. I thought …" I crossed my arms over my chest and turned away from her, "I thought that he would tell me something… _anything _that would strengthen my faith again."

"…Lightning, wait a minute—"

"I'm starting … I'm starting to believe that maybe this isn't the way." I said, walking away from the couch and stood over by the bay window underneath the stairs leading to Fang's room, "I'm not admitting to seeing things entirely your way and I'm not giving up the faith. But I'm … I don't think killing this part of me is the answer to any of this. Praying hasn't worked. Repenting hasn't worked. Reciting mantras doesn't work. Cleansing baths, fasting, daily services. _None _of it fucking works, Fang."

"Of _course _it doesn't work." She rose from the couch as well, "Why the fuck do you think I spent all those years fucking around with men?"

"…Trying to fuck the gay away?" I asked, feeling the urge to laugh. It wasn't humorous though, it was something dark and somewhat acidic.

"Well, I ain't putting no labels on my sexuality, but I admit there was a time when I wanted to kill the _gay _part of me …or whatever the fuck you wanna call it." She shrugged, "It would have been different if my ma had stayed in Oerba. Probably wouldn't have felt so conflicted and confused if I hadn't been living in Bodhum at the time. Pulse people ain't like you confused Cocoon types. We don't really care too much about all that sexuality shit."

"So you just have sex with whoever?"

"This is gonna sound like some fairytale, hippie shit … but all we really care about is love and the cohesiveness of the community. And, hey, it works, you know?" Fang laughed, "Found these interesting stats the other day. Something about how on average the people on the continent of Pulse are happier than those on Cocoon. Nova Chrysalia is kinda somewhere in the middle of the two."

"So?"

"So… what I'm sayin' is you should just live your god damn life however you want to. You ain't hurtin' nobody or killin no one, right? So who cares if you like the ladies more than you do the gents?"

"I do."

"Yes, we've been over this before." She sighed in that long and tired way of hers. "God damn you're hard headed."

"So are you."

"Ain't denyin' that I am." Fang said, "So… is that it?"

"That's it." I said.

"Good." Fang said with a sense of finality, "Now if you're done having your daily crisis for the day, I'm gonna go call up Van and tell her to bring some shit home."

"You're serious about this girl's night in?" I asked, watching her walk away from me so she could sit back down on the couch.

"_Yes_." Fang said, "Now go read your book or whatever it was you were doing. I've got papers to grade and shit to plan."

-x-

"Lightning, hold still. You're getting paint all over your toes."

"I'm sorry ... I'm just not used to this." I hugged my knee to my chest as Vanille brushed a knuckle underneath the arch of my foot again. If I admitted I was ticklish on my feet instead of antsy at the prospect of having someone touching me, I knew it would be game over for me whenever Fang and I went to bed at night.

"You never let Serah paint your nails?" Fang asked. She was currently seated behind me.

"…Maybe when we were kids." I muttered, "I was never one for this type of … beautification if you will."

"Jesus, Lightning. Denying yourself some pussy, sure. That I can understand. But I doubt pampering yourself is a crime in the eyes of God." Fang huffed as she pulled my hair away from my neck and sectioned off a part of it, "Damn your hair is fine."

"I don't know how you do it, Lightning." Vanille sighed as she fanned my nails with her hands and capped the bottle of polish, "Living such a celibate life. I couldn't think of possibly going without sex for … well, for at least a _week_."

"Try a day." Fang muttered under her breath so that only I could hear her. She leaned over and took a sip of her wine before turning her attention back to my hair, "Where's Hope, Vanille?"

Vanille shrugged, "He said he would get out of work late tonight, so he'll probably show up later on."

"That's fine. We can have girl talk with Light until our heart's content, then."

"_Why _am I the focus of this whole thing?" I asked as Vanille set one of my feet down on the floor and picked up the other.

"Because, you're our guest." Vanille said.

"Yeah, don't you know anythin' about Oerban customs, Light?"

"Nothing besides what you exposed me to as kids." I replied, "What? What should I know?"

"Well…" Fang said, leaning in to my ear and dropping her voice, "When you're someone's _guest _…they're supposed to pleasure you."

"In all _sorts _of ways." Vanille chimed in and paused to look up from painting my toes.

When they both stopped what they were doing, I straightened my posture and narrowed my eyes at Vanille. "If this is some sick ploy to have a threesome with me, I swear to _God _I will burn your apartment building down to the floor, Fang."

Fang fell back away from me and gave a long and hearty laugh, "Fuckin' 'ell, Light. I wouldn't _dream _of sharing you with Van. Who knows what type of sick shit she'd do to you."

"_Hey_." Vanille squeaked, "I don't do _sick _shit and don't worry, Lightning. Unlike, Fang. I'm strictly dickly over here."

"Until she's got alcohol in her system." Fang muttered, "Remember the first time I took you to Shiva's?"

"Damn right I do." Vanille pouted as she rolled her eyes at Fang.

"Oh, fuck off." Fang laughed again, "Don't act like you didn't enjoy your romp with that butch chick in the bathroom. You said she gave the best damn head you've ever had."

"_Fang_." Vanille had the audacity to look scandalized.

"…Oh, Light's not gonna care. She's repressed as shit but she's not gonna judge you for having twenty dicks up your vag. Been there, done that. Who cares?"

"I'm not?" I asked, turning to look over my shoulder at Fang.

"I don't know, are you?" Fang shrugged, looking nonchalant.

I shrugged in return, "It's not my business."

"_See_." Fang said.

"Well, all right." Vanille muttered, unable to meet my eyes as she turned her attention to my feet again. "Lightning, you've got some nice feet."

"…Thank you?" I asked, unsure if she was trying to change the subject because she was embarrassed or if she really meant it as a compliment.

"The fuck type of statement was that, Vanille?" Fang asked, pulling my bangs away from my forehead and clipping them back.

Vanille looked up at her and pouted and didn't say anything else. She eventually finished painting my toes and then sat my other leg off to the side. Vanille patted on her thigh, "Give me your hand."

Fang allowed me to lean forward before settling in behind me again, "What color are you using anyway, Vanille?"

"Red." Vanille answered, "Lightning's going to knock them dead when we're done with her."

"Pft, she was already knocking them dead. _Literally._"

"Mm, that's right, Lightning." Vanille looked up at me, "I heard you and Fang were quite the duo back when you two were younger. Always getting into trouble for beating up the school bullies, hm?"

"They used to mess around with my sister." I said, "For some reason, people thought she was easy prey. I made sure they knew otherwise."

"I always said Lightning should have been born a boy." Fang said.

"I could say the same for you." I said, "You _knocked _someone's teeth out once, Fang."

"For _good _reason." Fang said, grabbing a hold of my hair and twirling it tightly in one of her hands, "I would have never heard the end of it if Serah came home crying to you about someone being mean to her in school again. …I still have the tooth you know? Kept it as a victory present."

"Fang, that's sick."

She shrugged, "To each her own."

We all lapsed into silence as Vanille finished off my right hand and started on my left and Fang began to jam bobby pin after bobby pin into my hair. I sighed in what was contentment. It was actually kind of nice to let someone look after you for once.

Fang eventually finished up with my hair, which turned out to be some mess she called a bun, and rose from behind me to walk across the room to turn on the stereo. She disappeared into Vanille's room and came back with white papers and a clear baggie full of something that smelled pungent and awful. I already knew what it was before she sat back down behind me.

"I thought you said you already rolled this shit, Vanille."

"I said I _bought _it." She said.

"For Etro's sake, you're useless." Fang huffed as she opened the plastic bag and sniffed the contents, "Purple kush?"

"As per requested." Vanille murmured.

"…_Fang_."

"Chill, Light." Fang said, "Tonight's about getting you to relax in a different way."

"I'm _not_ smoking pot."

Fang snickered, "…_Yes_ you are."

I sighed as Vanille fanned my hand and blew over my slowly drying nails, "Seriously? You're going to get me high?"

"Why not?" Fang asked, "This shit'll relax you for sure."

"You don't remember the first and last time you got me to smoke this stuff?"

Vanille immediately shot up and looked up at me, her eyes wide, "_Lightning's _smoked before?"

"Just once." Fang recalled, trying to stifle her laughter. "On the night of her sixteenth. They say you don't get too high on your first time, but not this one. _Oh_, no."

"What happened?" Vanille asked looking at me for an answer. I sucked my teeth and turned away, so she turned to look at Fang, "Fang, what happened?"

"Got smacked off of one bowl." Fang said as she reached for a paper towel and the grinder, "Anyway, I left her melting on my bed—Light's words, not mine—and went to go to the bathroom to go pee. I was way more fucked up than this one over here and had one beer too many. Anyway, I came back into my room to find her gone."

"Well where was she?"

"Got paranoid while I was gone." Fang said, as she twisted the grinder around, "Apparently she thought I was going to go tell her mom that we were high and I found her sobbing on the floor of my kitchen whilst eating peanut butter and talking about how she was so screwed."

"Lightning, that doesn't even sound like you." Vanille commented, taking a quick glance at me before turning back to Fang, "And then what?"

"Nothin'." Fang said, shrugging her shoulders. "I got her some water, told her to calm down and we eventually just fell asleep."

"That's it?"

"That's it." Fang said.

"And you never smoked after that?" Vanille asked.

"Why _would _I?"

Vanille shrugged, "Everything's better when you're high."

"Spoken like a true stoner." Fang sighed and uncapped the grinder. "You done with my fair maiden over there?"

"Yup." Vanille said, as she capped the nail polish and set it down on the coffee table. She looked at me and smiled, "You know, Fang. You're right. Lightning _is _really pretty when you pull her hair away from her face."

Fang looked up from the folded white paper in her hand and then glanced at me, "She's beautiful no matter how she wears her hair."

"Fang, _stop. _You're gonna make her blush." Vanille giggled as I sighed in irritation and looked away from Fang.

"She's already there." Fang said, as she turned back to the joint.

Vanille sighed languidly and reclined back on her elbows so she could stare up at the ceiling, "Jeez… it feels nice to have some down time, you know? I feel like they've been working me like a slave down at the shelter."

"Oh no, the world is ending. You're _actually _working, Vanille."

"Shut up, Fang." Vanille snapped, "You're worse than I am. I've had to keep Lightning here company while you go gallivant off to your fifty million jobs night after night."

"You wanna keep living like we do, don't ya?" Fang asked, pausing before she licked the joint shut.

"Well, yeah…"

"Then zip it." Fang turned over her left shoulder and then felt around on the floor, "Where the hell did I put the damn lighter?"

I looked down by my hip and saw the small black lighter I'd always seen her with. I reached for it and held it up to Fang, "Here."

"As always, Light you're more helpful than Vanille." Fang paused as she stuck the joint into her mouth and was about to light up, "Hey, go crack a window."

Vanille got to her feet as Fang removed the joint from her mouth and waited for her cousin to crack the nearest window by us. "That _better_?"

"Look, you're the one that's always hotboxing your room so it smells like funk, cheetos and someone spilled a vat of alcohol all over the carpet." Fang said as Vanille rolled her eyes, "I need ventilation when I smoke."

"Whatever." Vanille muttered and sat down next to me.

Fang stuck the joint back into her mouth and lit up. The tip flared to life and then turned black as she took a long and deep inhale. She exhaled slowly and then handed the joint to me. I shook my head and then she passed it to Vanille instead who took it willingly. "You really not gonna smoke, Light?"

"I've only smoked from a pipe, remember?"

"Well, a joints just the same. Cept you don't have to light it constantly." Fang gestured toward the joint, "Just inhale, like you're sipping water. Or slurping noodles actually…" She trailed off as Vanille started coughing, "You remember right? Just do it like I told you before. Hold it in for as long as you can and then exhale."

Vanille giggled as she held out the joint to me and I sighed and took it, somewhat reluctantly, "I can't believe I'm getting high with Lightning. You're like an … ice _princess_."

"Thanks." I muttered sardonically and inhaled the joint just as Fang had instructed. The weed smoke felt heavy in my chest, almost like it was burning my lungs. I started coughing before I could hold it in, "_Fuck_."

"Vanille, go get some water." Fang said, jabbing toward the kitchen and Vanille got to her feet. She turned back to me, "That's all right, just go again."

"This is worse than those cloves we smoked at the club."

Fang shrugged and grinned, "It'll make you feel better though. Go on, take another pull."

I sighed, trying to expel all the air from my lungs before taking another pull of the joint. Vanille sat a glass of water down for Fang and me and then sat back down beside me. The paper crackled and turned red as it was singed away and my lips felt like they were on fire. The second hit was almost as bad as the first and made my lungs feel heavy and full again. But I held it in for as long as I could before blowing out a large puff of smoke that dispersed right in front of Fang's face.

"Damn, Lightning." Fang said as I handed the joint back to her and she took another pull. Vanille was already giddy at my side. She pulled again and exhaled out of the corner of her mouth, "You high already, Vanille?"

Vanille glanced at me and then pressed her knuckles to her lips as she tried to muffle her laughter, "…_May_be."

"Fucking 'ell." Fang muttered, shaking her head, "Hope's not even here yet and you're already fucked up."

"Not _really_." Vanille said, hiding her face behind her hands as she laughed some more.

Fang pulled from the joint one last time before handing it back to me, "One last toke?"

I shook my head, "If I take another pull my lungs are going to collapse."

She turned her attention to Vanille, "Here, pothead. Take the last pull and ash the roach." Fang leaned back so that her head rested against one of the couch cushions, "I might roll another one in an hour."

Vanille did as Fang instructed before stabbing the joint out into a black ashtray on the coffee table. She promptly fell onto her back and stared up at the ceiling. I turned to look at Fang who had her eyes closed and seemed to be in a calmer state of mind than previously.

"Fang?"

"Yeah, Lightnin'?"

I rolled my tongue against the roof of my mouth, "…Fang, I can feel my teeth."

Vanille started cracking up at my side and Fang seemed to grin long and slow, "…What was that Light?" She asked.

"I _said _I think I can feel my teeth." I began slowly licking one of my canines, "…Never realized they were so sharp."

"What did you think they were?"

I shrugged, "I don't know… just …_there_. I guess." I glanced around the living room and saw Vanille who was curled up into a ball, "Why's Vanille laughing so much?"

"Reckon cause you just said you can feel your teeth." Fang scratched the back of her head, "Then again, you could sneeze while Vanille's high and she'd find it funny." She turned her attention back to me, "You feelin' okay?"

"Yeah…" I said, "Everything's … kinda fuzzy and fast at the same time though."

"Yeah, I'd say you're pretty baked right now." Fang grinned, "You hungry?"

I shook my head, "Can I just … lay on you?"

She patted her lap, "Come on."

I pushed myself over in Fang's direction and my whole world seemed to spin in slow motion so that she was staring down at me. And honestly, at that point, that's all I could focus on. The world seemed to be moving in like a slow orbit around us … or maybe it was the room. Or maybe it was the moon and the stars and the night. Or maybe I was just too high for my own good.

I had to close my eyes for a minute because there was too much going on for me to handle, even if it was just Fang staring down at me. I felt like I was melting into her thigh and pretty soon, the floor. It felt like something was pulling me into the ground and all of a sudden my body felt too heavy for me to support.

"Am I falling into hell?" I asked, finally opening my eyes so I could look up at her.

She shook her head and placed a warm hand over my forehead, "An angel like you? No, love. Probably higher than the heavens right now."

"Is that even possible?"

Fang shrugged, "Probably for you it is."

I blinked slowly, "…Your hand is really warm."

"It is pretty warm in here…" Fang looked up at Vanille who had turned her attention to her cell phone. "Hey, open another window? Sunshine here is hot."

"_Ew,_ is that what she calls you, Lightning?" Vanille appeared to be struggling to pull herself together.

"It's cause it matches her sunny disposition." Fang chuckled, "All right, I'm not that original. So sue me."

"Gladly." Vanille said as she pushed up another window. I felt a rush of cool air flood in almost immediately and sighed in content, "Better, Light?" She asked.

I nodded, "Thanks."

"No prob." Vanille sat down beside Fang and pulled my stretched out legs into her lap, "Fang, I'm really fucking high."

"Light must be too if she's actually letting you touch her." Fang observed as Vanille stretched her legs out under my thighs.

I shrugged, "It's fine."

"_Really _high." Fang muttered as she turned to Vanille, "Where's your boytoy?"

Vanille pouted, "Missing out. I was just texting him. The trains are all screwed up and the local is shut down for the night. If he takes the express that means he has to travel down through the Wildlands and then wrap around to Yusnaan. What a bother."

Fang shrugged, "We seem to be holding up all right without him."

"Yeah…" Vanille murmured. She perked up almost immediately though with an eager, "Hey, you guys hungry?"

I shook my head, "I'm fine."

"Yeah." Fang said, "Still digestin' that pizza from earlier."

Vanille shrugged, "I'm gonna go raid the kitchen. We've gotta have some chips or something around here." She set my legs back down on the floor and toddled off to the kitchen.

"Low attention span?" I questioned as soon as Vanille was out of hearing range.

"_Very_." Fang muttered in return, "She's bad when she's sober but when she's inebriated in any way, forget about it."

I felt the urge to laugh for some reason even though it didn't come out. Fang slouched back and I shifted slightly so that I fell into the dip between her thighs and lower abdomen. My ear was pressed against what was probably her stomach and I thought I could hear the thump of her heart. Or maybe it was my own.

"…Your heart is beating fast." I commented without thinking.

"…Is it?" She asked.

"Or maybe it's mine." I said, "Who knows."

"And why is that you suppose?"

I shrugged, "Weed speeds up your heartbeat if I'm right. Or maybe I'm just nervous."

"And _why _would the great Lightning Farron be _nervous?_"

I looked up to meet her eyes and Fang raised her eyebrows as if to put an added emphasis on her question. Her eyes were so green… or were they blue? They were weird. Weird Fang. Weird eyes. Weird girl. No, Fang wasn't weird. _I _was the weird one.

"I don't know."

"You don't know?"

"I don't know." I repeated before leaning in to give her a brief kiss on the lips and then pulled away, "I don't know."

She didn't look taken aback by what I just did, but merely licked her lips and hummed thoughtfully, "Hm. Can't say I wasn't expecting that one. You were staring at me for long enough."

"_You _were staring at me." I said, "…Or was I staring first?"

"You don't know?" She asked while chuckling.

"No." I said, "I'm high and my head is full of cotton balls. …So is my mouth."

"Come on, let's sit you up." She pressed a strong hand between my shoulder blades and the world seemed to get fuzzy again, "Here, drink some water."

"…This is really smooth." I said, running a hand along the glass, "Why is this so smooth?"

"Cause its made of glass, Light."

"Oh…" I took a sip of water and turned to Fang, "Aren't you high?"

She nodded, "Pretty much, but this stuff doesn't hit me like it does you or Vanille."

"Did someone say my name?" Vanille appeared in the archway of the kitchen with a bag of chips in her hand, "I got distracted in the kitchen. These chips were really good…"

"I bet they are." Fang said, "Come on, sit down before you break something, Van."

"Oh, hush, Fang." Vanille walked back over to sit beside me and offered me some of her chips. I shook my head and she shrugged as she kept eating them, "You know what would be great right now?"

"What?" Fang asked.

"_Sex_." Vanille said.

"You're always in the mood for that." Fang muttered under her breath.

"Shut _up_, Fang." Vanille crunched through a handful of chips and turned to me, "Right, Lightning? Wouldn't that be great right now?"

I decided to take an exceptionally long drink of water at that moment and Vanille looked at Fang for clarification as to why I wasn't answering her. Fang shrugged and gestured lazily to me, "She's basically a virgin."

"_NO!_" Vanille clutched her bag of chips, "_Lightning,_ that's not true."

"_Very_. No one's ever gotten these panties off…" Fang said, reaching down to grip my thigh before I slapped her arm in return, "Well. I almost did. _Once_."

"…Seriously?"

"_No." _I said, suddenly feeling surprisingly sober after the direction this conversation had taken.

"Oh." Vanille seemed disappointed by my answer and reached her hand back into her bag of chips, "Well… I don't know much about lesbian sex, Lightning. But you're missing out."

"I tell her that all the time." Fang said.

"Wow, Lightning…" Vanille let head loll back onto the couch behind us, "I couldn't imagine my life without sex…" She glanced at me, "Have you masturbated at least?"

"I can vie for that. She has." Fang interjected once again and I punched her on the arm in return. She rubbed at the sore spot and grinned, "Damn, you don't pull your punches _ever_. Etro, Light, I'mma be bruised in the morning."

"Serves you right." I muttered, drinking my water again.

"Well you've at least had an orgasm… right?" Vanille prodded again.

"…Maybe." I mumbled.

"_Whoa_." Fang said, "I didn't know that."

"What _is _this?" I asked, "Why are all these questions getting directed at _me_?"

"Vanille knows my sexual history front and back." Fang said, reaching for her glass of water.

"Yeah, same." Vanille replied, "If I'm making you uncomfortable, I'll stop."

I shook my head, "I'm not just not used to intimate conversations like this."

"Yeah, Vanille. You're laying it on kind of thick." Fang commented, "Light's the Queen of Repression Town. You gotta go into this these things slow."

"…Ew, Fang." Vanille said, as she turned back to her chips, "…Well, at any rate, Lightning. I hope you get some while you stay with us. You can use my bed if you'd like."

"…No… thank you." I replied, feeling disgusted at the idea.

Just as Fang and I both set our glasses down, Vanille started talking again. "At least have _someone _eat you out while you're here. And make sure it's someone who really knows how to get in there and eat you like you're they're last god damn meal on Earth. Someone who'll hold your damn hips and thighs down and go to town until you're moaning and pleading with them to stop cause it feels _too _damn good." She grabbed at the air and started making sounds that resembled a small, rabid and demented dog, "They're just like, _arrrrrrr_, and you're just like, _ooooohhhh_, and you don't know where you're supposed to grab on to and hold because they're taking you into their mouth and sucking on you and tongue fucking you like—"

"_VANILLE_." Fang practically shouted when she saw the blank stare I was giving Vanille.

"What?" Vanille asked, "That's what it was like when that girl ate me out. God, if only I were gay. That would have been a match made in heaven…" She elbowed me, "Maybe I can find her again for you, Light? I think I still have her number stored in my phone…"

"…I think I'm good." I said, "…I'm … I'm good."

"You thinkin' about it, eh, Lightning?" Vanille asked, as she still elbowed me.

"No. I'm not."

"You're lucky, see." Vanille leaned forward for her water, "You like girls. And what does a girl know better than another girl's muff? You're already winning. Me? I have to deal with stupid men. It's so rare to find a guy that can eat you out with the same ferocity and enthusiasm that a girl can."

"…Can you… can you _please_ make her stop talking?" I asked Fang.

Vanille was busy staring off at the ceiling while eating her chips again while Fang leaned past me to stare silently at her. She was about to start up again when she saw Fang's face and instantly closed her mouth and shoveled a bunch of chips into her mouth again. I sighed in relief and Fang slouched down against the couch again.

"I think I'm ready to go to sleep." I finally said. Not because I was sleepy… I just wanted to be alone with Fang for a little while. Without Vanille around with her incessant and somewhat insipid chatter.

"Yeah…" Fang nodded in agreement, "…Yeah, me too."

"But it's barely eleven." Vanille whined, as she rolled up her bag of chips, "Come on. Stop being so _old_ you two."

"Vanille, hush." Fang nodded her head in the direction of the stairwell, "Go on, I'll clean up and be up in a few."

"You sure?"

She nodded and I turned around without another word.

-x-

"You weren't really tired, were you?" Fang finally asked after we had settled down into bed.

"A little…" I replied.

"I'm sorry about Vanille… she doesn't know how to chill at times. I'll talk to her if you want."

I shook my head, "No… no, oddly enough. What she was talking about didn't really bother me." I turned over on my side so I could look at her in the darkness, "I've thought about it here and there. But never for too long."

"You mean having someone go down on you?"

The high was definitely wearing off because I could feel my inhibitions coming back at full force. "I was always curious in high school. I put it out of my mind after we moved to Luxerion. I put _anything _sexual out of my mind after we moved to Luxerion."

"As if I didn't know that."

"But I don't want to anymore." I swallowed past the lump in my throat, "…Fang, what's it like?"

"What? Giving head? Or receiving it?" She asked, "Giving head to a guy is pretty much the same shit over and over again. At least, it was for me. You find the right trick or two and you can turn all of them out over and over again. As for girls, well…"

"…Well?" I asked.

She laughed and then turned to look at me, "Ain't got much experience there."

"…What do you mean?" I asked.

"Receiving, sure." She said and shrugged, "But I've never really given much."

"I thought you said you had sex with girls and guys and everything in-between?"

Fang sighed, "Let's put it this way. I've received a lot from girls, but I ain't given much. Meaning, I've had a lot of heads hard at work between my legs, but I haven't been down on any. Got it?"

"…Well, why?"

"Never felt right. I mean, I've sucked a lot of dick in my day, Light, but girls… girls …I could never do it."

"But, _why_, Fang."

I felt Fang rustle in the sheets and slide over to my side of the bed. I could hear her swallow before she leaned forward and kissed me. Slow… and soft. She found my one of my hands underneath the sheets and clasped it in her own. When she pulled away, I touched the fingers of my hand that wasn't holding hers to my lips and realization dawned on me in an instant.

"..._Why _do you think, Lightning?"

"_Fang_." Her name sounded broken in my ears and my heart was so full I felt like I was going to die from the pain, "You can't…"

"I always hoped you'd come back to me, you know?" She asked, "It's been a selfish wish, I know. But it seems to have finally happened eight years later. I know you hate what you are, and I'm trying to make you see that it's all right… that even when you feel like everything and everyone is against you that I'll still love you at the end of the day, Lightning. I always have and I always will.

"But _why _me?" I almost pleaded with her, "I have nothing to offer you besides eternal hate and contempt. I'm cold and emotionless. I'm brash and rude. I never say what I'm thinking… intimacy makes me uncomfortable and I can't deal with people most of the time."

Her laugh was gentle and came from the heart, "Opposites attract, I guess. You're just as weird as I am and I love you for it." She said, "I know you don't like to label things, which is why I didn't really say anything about all those little kisses you've been stealing from me over the past week and a half. I thought… I don't know. I thought you were trying to accept yourself in some way and come back to the old you. The old _Claire_. Not this emotionless shell of a person she's become."

"I told you why Claire had to die."

"Maybe she didn't. Maybe all Claire needed was a bit of tender loving care." Fang said, grabbing hold of me and pulling me in so that I could rest my head on her chest again, "I was too fucked up back then to really give you what you needed. I didn't know how to help you… so I thought I could make things better by just being near you, yeah?"

I sighed, "I don't know, Fang. I don't. I mean… I felt the same way back then. I always saw you as protection of some sort. You were always taller and stronger than I was… and I know I didn't need a protector…"

"I guess you don't remember all those times I woke up to you having nightmares in the middle of the night and unquestioningly rolled over to spoon up against you so that you'd calm down?"

"…Yeah, I remember those." I said, "Fang… I'm trying, okay? I'm trying to accept this."

"I know you are." She said, "You don't have to give up your faith just because you'd contradict the belief system by openly expressing your sexuality."

"But… you see, I…"

"Yes?"

"I don't know." I said, "I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to believe anymore. I told you this earlier. And it's not just being in Yusnaan that's done this to me. I've felt this way for awhile now… but I've tried to fight it so I didn't have to acknowledge it."

"I know." She said, "And it's okay if you don't have all the answers just yet."

"I know… and honestly, I'm starting to believe that for once. Maybe the present is okay for now. Maybe it's time to stop fighting for an unknown future made up of what ifs and heavily clouded maybes." I sighed and bowed my head so that my forehead was pressed just below her collar bones, "…Fang?"

"Yeah?" She asked, her voice vibrating against my cheek.

"…Remember what Vanille was talking about earlier?"

"Lightning, if you're asking me to fuck your brains out with my tongue, I'll gladly do it."

"_God _dammit, do you have to be so crass?"

"Light, I ain't no blushin' virgin like you are." Fang chuckled, "…Well, is that what you were going for? You want me to, don't you?"

"…I'm just curious…"

"Say no more." Fang said, rolling me over so that I was on my back, "And I'm _sorry_. What I _meant _to say is, I'd gladly do you the honor of making love to you if you want me to. Sorry, after all these years of random faces and names, it's hard to call it anything less."

"_Fa—" _

She silenced me by pushing a slender finger underneath my chin to meet her quickly descending lips. One finger slowly crept into a whole hand that caressed the side of my face as she tightened her thighs around my hips. Fang didn't kiss me for long because she leaned back slowly, grasping the edges of her t-shirt, and pulled it off as quickly as she had pulled it on before bed.

In the dim light that managed to seep in through her partially parted windows I could see the outline of her body and felt my breath catch in the back of my throat. Fang and I had been close to coming this far in our teens … _really _close. But I'd always backed out before she could so much as get her hands through the belt loops of my jeans to pull them off my hips and thighs.

Confronted with her as she was now, staring down at me so silently… but with so much adoration and love in her eyes, I was feeling more exposed than I had before in my entire life. But I shouldn't have… I should have felt safe because of the other person who was in the room with me. And I did feel safe even though trepidation was a slowly solidifying pit in the bottom of my stomach.

"You okay?" She whispered.

I lowered my gaze. Too intense… everything was too intense. The world was spinning again and I didn't know how to make it stop. I nodded my head even though I felt like fisting my hands into the sheets and pulling them up over my head. "…Yeah."

"You sure?" She asked again.

I nodded and looked up to meet her again. She took that as a silent cue to lean down and start kissing me again. I expected Fang to be all muscle and rough skin. Sure, she had her feminine traits but the girl was rock solid. Punching her stomach was almost like hitting a brick wall.

Her hand slowly grasped the edge of my shirt and pulled it up over my head so that I was just as topless and exposed as she was. She moved to press me back down in the bed, her hands winding themselves into my hair as her mouth and tongue found my neck. I didn't know what in the hell I was supposed to do with my hands. Put them on her hips? Put them on her back? Her …_ass_?

I settled on resting my arms around her back. Which seemed to suit her just fine, because she slowly removed them from around her back and clasped them together with her own. Fang kissed a straight line down to my breasts, eager tongue finding the valley between the two mounds and stopped for a moment as if to make a decision of some sort. She glanced at me for a minute and then let go of my hands. Before I could sit up and question what she was doing, she pushed my breasts together and slowly let her palms graze across my nipples.

"Tell me, Light… no one's ever gotten this far with you… right?"

"You _know_ that." I said, starting to feel my concentration being stolen away from me with the way she kept massaging my breasts.

"Just makin' sure." She said, leaning forward, "…Never realized how soft and nice your tits were, Lightning. You're in luck. I'm a big fan of tits, didn't you know?"

"_Fang_." I huffed, wanting her to get on with things and stop teasing me already.

"Sounding impatient there. Must feel nice to have someone play with them, hm?" Fang said, leaning forward to kiss me quickly on the lips, "All right, all right, I'll get on with it then."

She let them drop from her warm hands, leaned forward to take wrap her arms around my back, pulled me toward her and took one soft mound into her mouth. Fang's tongue flicked against my nipple, she sucked gently and I felt the urge to cross my legs as if I had to pee really badly. I opened my mouth, but no sound came out.

Fang gave the other breast the same treatment before turning her attention to my stomach. She pressed small butterfly kisses to my skin, hands still as hot as ever trailing down my sides and pausing to grip my hips. She had me on my back again, but she was still hovering above me and looking down at me. Two fingers hooked the edges of my panties on both sides and she paused for a moment.

"…Lightning."

"Yes?"

"…You know you're beautiful, right?" She began. It was always hard to accept her when she said things like that, "I mean it. I want you to see it one day. I feel like you used to … but that sight's been lost to you somehow."

"...Fang."

"You don't really have to respond. …I just want you to know that. Okay?"

She wordlessly pulled my panties off my hips and down my legs, along with the last dregs of shame. What was going on in her head? My heart was racing and my mind was completely blank. My mouth was dry and I had to shut my eyes in an attempt to shut everything out that was threatening to collapse in on me.

"…_Lightning_. Looks like you're ready and rarin' to go, babe."

"Just what do you _mean _by that?" I asked, almost sitting up before she pressed a hand to my chest and stopped me.

"…Should I put it delicately or give it to you raw?" She asked.

"Just give it to me raw like I know you want to." I said, leaning back on my elbows and quelled the need to roll my eyes at her. Even in the heat of intimacy, Fang would be _Fang_.

"You're wet as fuck, babe." Fang said, an almost predatory glint in her eyes. She gently pushed a finger inside of me and I jerked my hips back at the sudden intrusion. She held her thumb and middle finger up for emphasis and rubbed them together, "And I don't think you realize how much of a turn on that is."

"…I'm assuming very?"

"It's taking every ounce of my control to not pin you down to this bed and fuck you like the animal I am." She muttered, "Remember what Vanille said?"

"I'm trying not to." I said, feeling my mood drop at the mention of her cousin.

"No, I mean the whole finding someone to eat you like you were their last meal thing." Fang said, slowly running her hands up my thighs and parting them as she let her hands roam back down, "Because that's what I intend to do, Lightning." She gave me one more look that clearly told me she was done with speaking and that any other conversation would wait until she brought me to whatever orgasm she deemed satisfactory.

I let myself fall back on the bed and crossed my arms over my chest. Fang gripped my hips in strong hands and pushed me back some so that I was slightly propped up on the pillow behind me. I lost myself in my head for a minute as she trailed her way back down my body, peppering my abdomen with the same soft butterfly kisses from earlier. For once my mind wasn't riddled with all the what ifs, buts and maybes that I liked to harass myself with through the day. But, for once… for once, just knowing that it was just Fang and I alone in that room at that moment was okay.

She pressed a kiss to my thigh and my heartbeat reached a maddening rush that I couldn't calm down. Fang must have felt me tense up because she gave me a quick pat on my thigh, but didn't look up. "_Relax,_ Lightning." She murmured.

"_How_." I whispered back. Look at where she was. Look at what she was _doing_. She hummed to herself but didn't answer. My forehead crinkled slightly and my chest began heaving heavily in trepidation…or was it anticipation?

She was teasing me and she knew what she was doing. I sighed and fell back onto the pillow, finding the image of her brushing her nose against the most intimate part of me all too much to take in at the moment. Her hair tickled my thighs, trailing after her as she took her sweet time with me. I guess she'd been waiting for this moment for so long that she wanted to savor it for as long as she could. To think that Fang waited for me for so long made my heart ache in ways that I hadn't felt since my mother died and my sister left.

Fang finally pressed my legs down a bit more and spread me apart to open me up. "…Don't be shy now."

"…Are you talking to me? Or … down ...there?"

"A combination of both." She answered without an ounce of embarrassment or shame.

I threw my hands over my eyes and sighed at her, "_Fang_."

"You must want it badly if you keep begging like that."

I was about to respond until she cut me off with a small flick of her tongue and chuckled when I let out a surprised gasp. She pulled my thighs up over her shoulders, flattened her tongue and all but pushed me entirely into her mouth. It wasn't the most _intense _feeling, but it was different from anything I'd experienced. And the way that Fang was intent on burying her face between my legs, sucking me and flicking her tongue against me, I knew that that feeling was just going to keep building until I couldn't take it any longer.

She worked me with her mouth until I felt something hot and heavy pulling at my lower abdomen. It wasn't a constant feeling, but whenever Fang would do something rough, like forcefully pulling me back to her when I tried to edge away, it would build. Kind of like a cramp that was trying to push its way out of my body. And it stayed there, just building and building until I couldn't breathe or even think straight.

"…_Fang_…?" My voice was trembling and I knew I was close.

Her wordless response to me moaning her name was arching her shoulders so that my legs were raised a little higher and she slipped two wet, gentle fingers inside me. I felt the tension building between my legs spread throughout my entire body as Fang hooked her fingers inside of me and took all of me into her mouth. I'm pretty sure my eyed bugged before I closed them and let out a sound that was a cross between a moan and a sound for help. …Not that I needed it.

I tried pulling away from her again but she planted a firm hand on my abdomen to hold me down. My hips pushed up off the bed and I'm pretty sure she growled at me as she forced them back down. I tried to move my legs, but she had my right thigh firmly hooked into her left elbow and my other leg was held close to her body at the calf. I was torn between telling her to stop and to hurry up already. Things were starting to get uncomfortable and I couldn't take it anymore.

I came laughing... or maybe I was crying, because there were tears in my eyes. But, I felt this incredible warmth and sense of liberation in my chest. It was as if someone had cracked my ribs open one by one and flooded my abdominal cavity with the warmest and soothing liquid in the world. I felt full. Full of something that I hadn't felt in a long time. I don't think I could have found a word for it, because I didn't even know what _it _was. I covered my face with my arm as the feeling of warmth gave way to something else.

Fang eventually slowed down her rhythm when my body stopped its rapid spasms. I felt uncomfortable and empty as she removed her fingers from inside me and gently set my legs down from off her shoulders. I was sure to have bruises in the morning where she'd grappled with me to keep me from moving off the bed.

"…Light, are you crying?" She asked, as she crawled up beside me and threw a protective arm around my waist to pull me close. "…Babe, you okay?"

"I'm fine, Fang. I'm …I'm fine." I nodded even though I didn't remove my arm away from my face, "I … just… it made me feel something different. Something I haven't felt before."

I felt her hand gently move my arm from across my face so that I could look at her, "…Nothin' bad, right?"

I shook my head, "I just… feel full. In a completely different way that I'm not used to." I crossed my legs as I felt another spasm come on and my breath hitched slightly, "…_Really _not used to."

"_Well_," Fang began as she rummaged around under hips for something. She pulled out a small piece of crumpled fabric which I realized were my panties. She leaned forward and pulled them over my feet and calves, realizing my legs were useless at the moment, "If you'll let me. I'll gladly do it again so you can get _used _to it."

As she pulled my panties up over my thighs and onto my hips, she let one of her hands linger between my legs as if for added emphasis. I frowned at her and huffed, "Once in one night is fine right now, thank you."

Her grin intensified when my thighs tightened around her hand, "…_Wow_, you're still coming huh?"

"_Fang_."

She laughed at my embarrassment and lay back down on the bed again. I turned into her and she pulled the sheets up around my shoulders as well as her own. Fang laid her arm over my waist again and sighed in content, "…You're okay with it right?"

"Not entirely." I said, "…Things are always different in the night before than in the morning after. But if you're worried I'm going to run back to Luxerion to pray all day, you're wrong about that. …I feel guilt… but those feelings don't outweigh how I feel about being here with you."

"What do you mean?"

"You're warmth where there's nothing but frigid cold." I said, placing a firm hand over her bare chest and gently pressed down over where her heart was, "…The thought of being here with you far outweighs any thought of condemnation from God. At least, for now it does."

"…You really mean that?"

I nodded slowly, "I've always felt that. Even when I spent so many years trying to drive you away." I admitted, "I told you before, I would rather try and kill myself slowly than allow anyone in to help me. But I'm trying to change that. And how else am I going to do that if I don't … if I don't open myself up to something like this?"

"I guess that's one way of puttin' it." Fang sighed, "You better not freak out in the morning. I just gave you the best damn orgasm of your life for Etro's sake."

I bowed my head, "Go to sleep, Fang."

"If you're okay, I will?"

I looked back up at her, "I am."

She leaned in to press a chaste kiss against my lips and then hugged me closer with her left arm so that our legs were tangled and we were pressed chest to chest. Fang was out before I was, chest rising and falling rhythmically and her right arm sprawled out just above my head. I watched the lights filtering in from the city outside her windows shift and move across her bedspread, and let their fading and reemerging shapes slowly lull me to sleep.


	7. electric flood

**a/n: **The expression Fang describes to Lightning actually comes from an Arabic word/phrase called y_a'aburnee_

**vii: electric flood**

I was fourteen and swimming in Bodhum's ocean at the dawn of summer.

The water was a crystalline shade of sea foam green and it was still cool, not yet warmed by the sun that appeared at half mast on the horizon. I would shed my clothing until I was only in my underwear, not caring for proper swim attire as I knew no one would be around at this hour. My descent into the water was slow, letting the powerful waves wrap around my ankles before completely submerging myself into its depths and diving forward into the salty mass.

That's what I felt like when I opened my eyes the next morning to find the sun just peaking over the buildings of the Augur's Quarter and flooding Fang's room with light. At an earlier point in my life, I might have likened the rays of the sun to hellfire. As I told Fang before, God saw everything with the first breath of sunlight.

Everything was quiet save for the chirping of birds on the windowsill and the occasional shouting of voices from down below. Fang was still sleeping, her face peaceful and completely void of expression. Her arm was still wrapped around my hips even though the sheets had fallen off of both our shoulders during the night and gave me a rather … spectacular and hardly unwanted view of her breasts.

I should have turned away …or at least averted my eyes. It wasn't …proper… but it didn't stop me from wanting to look. I closed my eyes and merely snuggled my way up against her chest again, so that the crown of my head was tucked underneath her chin. Fang stirred gently but didn't wake up.

(_Snuggle? …Lightning Farron doesn't snuggle.)_

As I lay there listening to Fang's breathing in the stillness of morning, I knew I was okay with what happened last night. It was like someone finally gave me the energy and to break through the surface of the ocean and gasp for my first breath of air again. The dull, ache in my lungs subsided and my head stopped hurting. It wasn't like my mind was completely blank …or that the repercussions weren't floating in the back of my mind. But the good far outweighed the bad in this instance and for once… I felt at peace … truly at peace.

I removed my hands from underneath the sheets and slowly fingered the tattoo on her shoulder. I never really understood what it was, but it fit her perfectly. My finger trailed along her shoulder, down her collar bone and up her neck to her jaw. I pushed her cowlicky bangs away from her forehead and leaned forward to give her a quick kiss on her lips. Needless to say, I was surprised when Fang seized my wrist, rolled me onto my back and pried my mouth open with her tongue. Well, good morning to you too.

"You were awake this whole time weren't you?" I asked when she finally pulled away and had the audacity to look sheepish.

Fang pulled the sheets up over her head so that we were cocooned in a land of white. I spread my legs so she could lay between my thighs. She laid down so that her hands were splayed just above my breasts and rested her cheek on her crossed wrists, "Of course. I could barely sleep last night."

"And why is that?" I asked.

"Why do you think?" She asked, as she closed her eyes, "Thinking of you and all those wondrous little sounds you made last night. God damn, Light. If I had a dick I don't think you'd be able to walk right now." She tried dropping her accent as she mimicked my voice, "_Fang_. Please, _don't_ stop."

"…Etro, it's too early for you right now." I said, resisting the urge to slap my forehead.

"You always told me there was no such thing as Lady Luck." Fang chuckled, "Well, do you believe in her now?"

I sighed, "Should I?"

"…You know I do." She said as she removed her hands from underneath her cheek and slowly moved them downward so that they grazed my nipples. "Well?"

I felt a familiar heat pooling in my lower abdomen again and pushed myself up on my elbows so that Fang had to ease up as well, "…Can we eat something first before we do … _that_ again?"

Fang stared at me and then lowered her gaze back down to my chest, "To be perfectly honest, I was intent on having you for breakfast. Ever heard the expression, 'I could eat a peach for hours.'?"

I pushed the sheets off my head and sighed in exasperation, "Fang. Up. Now."

"Light it's barely 9AM. Come on, how about a little romp in the sheets?"

"_UP_."

"Fine." She said, "But I don't intend on making my breakfast into brunch, I'll have you know."

Fang rolled out of bed and stretched her arms over her head. I had a rather impressive view of her backside as she arched her back and cracked her spine. As she bent down to pick her shirt up from off the floor, I patted around in the bed and looked around for my own. When I couldn't find it I pulled the sheets up to my chin and waited for Fang to turn back to me.

She crossed her arms over her chest. "Don't get shy on me now, sunshine. I've seen it all already." Fang laughed as she sat back down on the bed beside me.

"Where did you throw my shirt last night?" I asked.

She shrugged and looked over her shoulder, "I don't know, could be anywhere." Fang rose from the bed, "But, I got something better for ya."

"And that is?"

Fang picked herself up off the bed and walked over to her closet. She slid the door back and pulled something off a hanger and chucked it onto the bed, "Try that on."

It was a silk, black robe embroidered with gold dragons and roses on its back. I nearly balked as I held it up in my hands and then looked at Fang's amorous smile, "You seriously want me to wear this? I'm not going downstairs in this and Vanille is still here."

Fang waved a dismissive hand, "She's probably already on her way to Arcadia to spend the day with Hope."

"And you know this how?"

"Because they always do this. Hope comes here one weekend, Vanille goes there the next. They're exhausting." Fang muttered, "Now come on, put it on. It'll look cute on you."

"Admit it." I said as I slid my arm into one of the sleeves of the robe, "You just want an excuse to get me to wear your clothes."

"That's a nice idea, but I'd rather take them off." Her grin intensified, "Now come on, put it on."

I slid my arm into the other sleeve and pulled the two sides together before sliding off the bed. Fang's expression seemed to drop and I scoffed, "You're such a pervert."

"Your tits are magical, Light. I could watch them all day." She said, eyes lowering to my chest.

"Yeah, well…" I started, turning away from her so that I could fasten the belt around the robe. I wasn't going to admit I wouldn't mind if she played with them all day as well, "You've seen enough of them for now."

"I'd beg to differ." She said, reaching out her hand, "Well, shall we?"

I looked down at her hand and let her take mine, "What do you have to eat?"

"Probably eggs… and some bread, if it hasn't molded and gone bad." She said as we walked down the stairs, "Milk? I don't know. You see how often we order out in this place."

"Yeah, I do." I said, "Wouldn't it just be more cost effective to buy groceries and cook at home?"

We hit the landing and Fang let go of my hand as we entered the kitchen, "Ain't got time to do that crap. You see how in and out I am all the time…" She trailed off as I took a seat at the island in the center of the kitchen and Fang walked over to the refrigerator, "Let's see… you want some yogurt?"

"Yogurt and eggs?" I asked, "That doesn't sound like an appetizing combination."

She took out the butter and the eggs, "Let's just stick to the original plan, yeah?" I folded my hands in front of me as she set the pan on the slowly heating stove top and lopped a piece of butter into it, "Scrambled, right?"

"Uhm, doesn't really matter." I said.

"…Huh, that's strange." Fang said, as she cracked an egg into the pan, "Could have sworn you were always particular about your eggs when I used to cook for you way back when."

I shook my head, "I'm feeling … spontaneous."

"_Whoa_," Fang said, "One night with me and you're suddenly ready to be adventurous, huh? What next, you start swearing and cussing at everything that exists?"

"No, I'll leave the filthy and degenerative mouthing off to you." I replied monotonously, "Just make them however you like, Fang. I'll eat them either way."

"I'm sure you will." She cracked another egg into the pan and the sizzling became louder as she scraped the pan with a spatula, "So, how about you and I hit the town today?"

"Hm?" I asked, "Like a _date_?"

"Yeah," She said, turning around to look at me as the eggs popped in the heat behind her, "Like a _**date**_."

"…I don't know, I…" I looked back down at my nails as I sat my hands back down in my lap. A date? A date should have been easy compared to what I allowed Fang to do to me last night. I crossed my arms over my chest and rooted my bare feet into the steel legs of the bar stool. "…I don't…"

"You don't have to explain." Fang said, "I understand."

"But I haven't said anything."

She shrugged, "Maybe I'm moving things along a little too fast. …I mean, last night was a big leap after all, wasn't it? You wanna do this 'behind closed doors' thing for a little while before we take it out into the big gay open, right?"

"Maybe?" I said, "I don't even know."

"You already gave the biggest middle finger you could muster to Bhunivelze last night. Ain't no going back from that, babe." Fang chuckled, "Well… there's something else you've yet to do. Something that'll permanently condemn your mortal soul to hell."

"That is?" I asked, raising my eyebrows. I'd just had sex with another woman last night and I wasn't even freaking out about it. What else could I possibly do?

"Think you could eat a peach for hours, Lightning?" Fang asked as she reached to open the cabinet above her head and pulled out a plate.

As if I felt like I couldn't die from blushing already, I immediately averted my gaze from Fang and looked down at my hands again. "_Fang_."

"Don't worry; I'm a patient teacher, Lightning." She laughed harder as she spooned two eggs onto the plate and set it down to the side of her. I was about to get up when she waved at me, "No, stay." I was halfway off the chair when she turned around and advanced toward me. I nearly yelped when she reached around my hips and hoisted me off the chair.

"What the hell do you think you're doing? Do I look like a child to you?" I said, sinking my nails into the fabric of her shirt.

"Not a chance." Fang said as she sat me down on the counter. I tried to move to get off, but her hand pressed firmly to my stomach and she cut her eyes at me in a way that meant I better stay put. I sighed in irritation as she opened a drawer just under my leg and removed a fork. She pulled the plate over to her and cut into a piece of the egg. She held it up to my mouth and hummed, "Ahhh…"

I stared death at Fang and felt the urge to kick her right then and there. "You're not feeding me."

"Aww, where's your sense of romance, sunshine?" She asked, as she took a bite of the egg off the fork.

"This isn't romantic. This is treating me like a deranged, overgrown three year old." I said.

She cut into another piece of the egg and held it in front of my mouth again, "Come on, I just slaved over a hot stove for you, woman. The most you can do is eat my cooking."

I groaned inwardly and opened my mouth so that she could fork the egg into it. I chomped down on the silverware and frowned at her. Fang in turn smiled at me and patted me on the thigh. She had just turned to chop off another piece of egg and held it out for me to bite, when I heard a door creaking from down the hallway leading to Vanille's room. Fang's eyes widened as mine narrowed and she muttered a quick shit under her breath before we both heard Vanille's gasp coming from the archway of the kitchen.

"Oh, _wow._ What am I interrupting?" She asked, surveying the stove and then looked to where Fang was currently leaning on the counter between my thighs, "What type of party are you guys having in here?"

Fang slowly removed the fork from my mouth and I bit down on the eggs so hard, I nearly chomped my tongue in half, "No Vanille's allowed. That's what type of party this is."

Vanille nodded her head as if understanding nothing that Fang just said. She looked at me and clasped her hands together. Whatever she had to say to Fang she didn't want me to hear, because she switched over to their mother tongue. For once, Fang didn't look too angry with what Vanille was saying and the expression on her face relaxed as she waved Vanille away. Vanille smiled wordlessly and waved at me as left the kitchen.

"What was that about?" I asked as she Fang chopped off another piece of egg and held it up for me to eat.

"Nothin'." Fang muttered, unable to meet my eyes.

I swallowed the eggs and then grabbed hold of Fang's wrist as she went to go chop off the last few bites, "Don't tell me 'nothin'', Fang. You can't even look at me right now."

"It's _nothin_' all right?" She looked up at me and I could have sworn she was getting redder by the minute. Well this was new. What in the world had Vanille just said to her?

"...You're blushing." I said.

She nearly shoved the next bit of egg into my mouth and I raised my eyebrows as she set the fork back down and sighed. "Vanille… knows about you and I."

"I thought that was evident."

"No, I mean. She _knows_ about us. Our history." Fang said, as she pinched the bridge of her nose and massaged it, "…Everythin', Light. From growing up together in Bodhum to me constantly trying to get you to leave Luxerion. She may not look like it, but Vanille's really perceptive when she wants to be. She just hides it all under a veil of optimism and ditziness."

"I'd expect as such." I said as I shrugged in a dismissive manner, "So, what's the problem? Why the sudden demureness?"

Fang punctured the yolk of one of the eggs and lifted the fork so that the yellow liquid dripped slowly back down onto the plate, "Ever had a feeling you can't explain? Or just… you have so many things going on in your head at once that you can't think straight?"

"Fang, do you have any idea who you're talking to right now?"

"Yeah, yeah, I know." She sighed and dropped the fork back to the plate, "I just… there's a lot going on in my head and my heart right now, Light. And Vanille didn't say much." Fang turned to look out the window at our side, "…She said she hoped you would bury me…"

"…_Bury_?" I asked.

"It's an expression in Oerba and that's the closest translation I can get to it in English. It's basically saying that you want the person you're in love with to outlive you to spare you the pain of living without them."

"Well, that's morbid." I said, "...Considering everything you and I have been through together, I guess I can understand it. But, where does that leave the other person?"

Fang shrugged, "I don't know, it's not supposed to be philosophical, Light. It's just an expression of love. It's poetic, you know?"

"Morbid." I repeated. But somewhat … endearing.

She chuckled, "Yeah, I guess that too."

I nodded toward the remainder of the eggs she'd made a mess of on the plate, "Guess you're done feeding me then?"

She nodded and planted two firm, warm hands on the tops of my thighs, "How about we get ready, yeah? We've spent enough time cooped up in this kitchen and I want to spend as much time with you as I can before I'm back to being a slave to the nine to five."

-x-

Our hands kept brushing up against one another the entire time we were out.

I definitely wasn't ready to hold Fang's hand and Fang wasn't going to push me to do so. But, we stayed close and for once, the conversation between the two of use seemed to flow easily and without restraint. She led me away from her apartment building and down the winding corridor leading to a bevy of shops and restaurants in the Fountain Square.

"So, where exactly are we going?" I asked.

Fang shrugged, as we walked past the various vendors shouting out what wares they had for sale, "I dunno, figure we'd go where the wind takes us."

"…Right." I muttered.

"All that really matters is that I'm with you, right?" She asked, looking away from something she'd been eyeing in a shop and turned to me instead.

"Yeah…" I paused as we neared the vendor I usually bought tea from on my weekly trips to the bookstore, "Can we stop here first?"

"Tea?" She asked.

"Yeah." I said as I stepped under the shade of the awning, "Good morning."

"_Ah_, if it isn't my favorite out of towner." He looked from me to Fang who stepped in beside me and pushed her sunglasses up on top of her head, "And you've brought a friend with you this time, hm? Come to taste the delights of my freshly brewed tea?"

I shook my head, "No, just me."

"Lightning, you've been making friends and you ain't tell me?" Fang asked as she crossed her arms over her chest. I could hear the mirth in her voice as she turned her attention on the vendor, "You know she's a quiet one, yeah?"

He chuckled, "Ah, yes. I can tell. Polite, too. One of my most frequent customers."

"Yeah, she really likes the stuff." Fang nodded to him, "I'll take what she's having. Sweetened though."

"Coming right up."

He set two plastic cups down in front of us and Fang swatted my hand away as she dropped the gil down for both of them. She handed me my cup and I thanked her before glancing away as she waved to the vendor and we carried on.

"So, you're a _regular, _huh?" She asked, pushing her sunglasses back down over her eyes.

"Not so much." I said, averting her knowing look. "He makes good tea."

"I can see that. You're just so _quiet _and _polite, _Lightning."

"Shut up, Fang." I shielded my eyes from the sun and squinted, "Where are we going now?"

"First, to buy you some shades." She said, grabbing my hand and pulled me into another vendor's stall, "Cause I'm sick of you squinting at the sun."

I allowed her to push various styles of glasses onto my face, watched her scrutinize the current pair she had in mind, then mutter how it clashed with my hair or skin tone as she tried another. Fang eventually settled on a pair of classic black aviators and an odd pair that she seemed to really like but I couldn't exactly get with.

"I look like I'm wearing a ski mask." I said as she handed me the odd pair to try on again, "And they're too opaque. This is hardly going to protect my eyes from anything."

"You look like a super hero. Like batwoman or something." Fang grinned, "I think they're cute. Maybe you could punch out the lenses and use them for reading glasses or something."

"…Fang, no." I pulled them off and picked up aviators with the darker lenses, "If you're going to spend your money on anything, get these."

"Well, _I'm _gonna buy them both for you." Fang said.

"Whatever, it's your money."

Once we were done with that minor detour, Fang and I proceeded on toward the Aromatic Market. She muttered something under her breath about her lack of breakfast as we passed by some place selling crepes and looked pointedly at me. I rolled my eyes at her in return. For some reason, I felt like we were two teenagers on a date at a mall. Awkward, talking in random bursts and not exactly sure what we were doing or where we should have been going.

Fang finished her iced tea long before I had and chucked it off into a garbage can we walked by. She stretched her arms over her head and looked at me, "So… what are we doing? You see anything along the way that you wanna go back and check out?"

"I don't know, this was your idea." I muttered.

Fang nodded her head off to a vacant bench, "Why don't we sit for awhile?"

She sat down on the bench and I followed suit until something on the wall behind the bench caught my eye. "…What's this …_pride_ festival?" I asked, gesturing toward the vibrant poster in front of me.

"Hm?" Fang picked up her head and then looked behind her shoulder to what I was referring to, "Oh. _That_. Just a day when the entire city turns gay."

"Have you ever been?"

She nodded, "_Sure_. I've been going to pride festivals since we were back in Bodhum. You don't remember?"

I had vague memories of her mentioning something like that a long time ago. "It's happening next weekend…"

She scratched her head, "You wanna go?"

"I didn't say that." I sat down beside her.

"What's the matter? Sound too gay for you?" She asked, "Come on, I can get off next Saturday. It'll be _fun_, Light."

"…It's too much." I ran my hands over the condensation that was quickly collecting on the outside of the plastic cup, "…What type of stuff happens there anyway?"

"Well… there's a big parade of all the homos in the city. You know, support organizations, jobs in support of their LGBTQ workers and whatnot. Sometimes you've got kids and families marching, health organizations, drag queens, and celebrity personalities… the whole lot of them. Everyone just kinda comes around and it's this big celebration of well… _gay_." She said, "You don't necessarily have to stick around for the parade, there's usually a festival going on in another part of the city with food and events. Tons of free crap, too."

"…And what of the Order?"

"Hm?" She asked, "Oh, some people come and protest but everyone just ignores them. You know, _God wants you to repent. _Bogus shit like that. But, overall. It's generally peaceful." Fang leaned forward to capture my attention. She crossed her arms over her thighs and nudged me gently, "I think you should go. Get in touch with your inner lesbian."

I looked down at the ground, "I can't…"

"I know you want to."

"Even if I did, I…" I looked up toward the sky, "…The whole thing sounds really in your face and I don't know if I'm ready for that type of exposure just yet."

"You said the same thing about me taking you out to that club a few weeks back and look at where we are now."

"…Fang, it's … _fine _if it's just the two of us behind closed doors." I looked up from the ground to stare out at the myriad of people who were walking all around us, "…But in front of all these people? It's like having a million versions of Bhunivelze walking around and watching everything I'm doing. It's like … it's like if my father were still alive. He would _kill _me for even being with you right now."

"Yeah, well. That's bastards long dead now and he can't hurt you anymore, babe." She sat up and placed a firm hand on my thigh. I didn't pull away, "…Look, who gives a fuck what other people would say? Most people who don't even care about the parade just pass on by without a second glance. I'm pretty sure if someone saw you walking around with me; the most they'd think is, '_Oh, look at those two hot lesbians over there. It's a shame they ain't straight'."_

"…I don't want to be some sicko's wet dream." I said, feeling myself frown in disgust.

"Yeah, well." Fang sighed, "That sorta thing happens when you don't exactly fit the classic description of _lesbian_ for the ignorant idiots out there."

"I don't want to _fit_ any type of description." I said, sipping on my iced tea. Fang leaned forward to rest her arms on her thighs again and I looked at her, "…Is it really as happy as you say?"

"Hell, **yeah**." Fang replied, "It's a day where nothing matters but celebrating who you really are. No one's making you feel like shit for the way you were born and it's nice to see that not everyone in the damn world is a close minded asshole."

I sat my iced tea down again, "…Maybe we can go."

"Yeah?" She asked, springing back up with excitement.

"…I said _maybe_." I reiterated.

"That's a yes to my ears." Fang rose up from the bench, "Anyway, that's enough sitting around. You ready to wander again?"

I picked up my cup and got to my feet as well, "Yeah. Lead the way."

-x-

After walking all over Yusnaan for the majority of the day—(which mostly involved Fang dragging me into shops and continuously throwing clothing at me to try on)—I was sitting opposite her at some high end restaurant called the _Banquet of the Lord. _I was trying to persuade Fang to take me someplace different when I saw the prices on the menu, but she outright refused.

"I don't wanna hear another word outta you. Accept what it is to be spoiled." She waved me off as she perused the drink menu.

"…This isn't _spoiling _me; this is you sending yourself into financial ruin." I said, letting the menu drop from in front of my face, "_19000 _gil for a Behemoth Steak, Fang. _**19000**_**.**"

"Yeah, can't hear you." She set the drink menu down just as a waitress came over to our table to take our order. After greeting us, Fang grinned and gestured toward the menu that was still held in her hand, "Two Phoenix Downs for me and my _special_ lady friend."

The waitress glanced at me and the way I hid my face behind half of my hand, before smiling and walked away from our table. "Was that necessary?" I asked, as Fang picked up her menu and began to look it over.

"Hm?" She asked.

"Referring to me as your special lady friend."

"Well, you are, ain't ya?"

I sighed and closed my menu as she still looked over hers, "Never mind that. Fang …there's something I want to talk to you about… and it's kind of important."

"This ain't about earlier is it?" She asked, looking up from her menu to focus her attention on me.

I shook my head, "This has nothing to do with being gay … well … maybe somewhat. It's complicated."

She set her menu down and her eyebrows furrowed, "…Everything all right? You're not … you're not having any regrets about last night are you? It's kinda late in the day for that don't you think?"

"No, _no_." I said, turning away from her at the mention of last night. I didn't want those memories right _now, _thanks. "It has nothing to do with last night. It's about the conversation we had earlier this week."

Her eyes went skyward as she tried to recall what I was talking about and then lowered her gaze back to me, "You mean about you and the priest?"

"The other thing."

"…You being an emotional mess?"

"_Fang. _The **other** thing." I said, "I wanted to talk about Serah."

"Oh." She said, "…Finally?"

"Just … a bit."

"Well? What is it you wanted to talk about?"

"I've been thinking about what you said." I said, "…There's a lot that we have to talk about when it comes to Serah… I don't think any of this will feel right until we talk about her."

"Well, what _is _it, Lightning?"

I looked up at Fang and saw the earnest expression she was giving me. This type of thing could make or break our relationship. Fang knew how close Serah and I were… how close we had _been. _But she didn't know _everything_ and there was a reason for that. There was a reason for the way everything had gone since my departure from Bodhum.

I realized with the new developments in my relationship with Fang that she deserved to know the whole truth and nothing but the truth. She would have to know eventually. Could she really have a relationship with someone who constantly told her to ignore the problems they had with their last living relative on the planet? Wouldn't she wonder? She'd badger me until I broke and probably lashed out in anger. An excuse of, _'stop talking, I don't want to remember or talk about it' _wouldn't be enough for her, as it had been in the past.

I shook my head, "I don't want to do it here."

She nearly threw her hands in exasperation, "Well then _why _did you bring it up?"

"Because." I said, "…I just want you to know that I'm ready to talk about her. If we're going to …" I took a deep breath and l looked her in the eye, "If we're going to be _together_. If we're going to start something… with one another, I want to be honest with you."

Her eyes trailed down from my eyes to where I was picking at my nail beds on one of my thumbs, "You sure you're ready to be honest with me?"

I dropped my hands into my lap and she looked back up at me, "Don't make me question myself, Fang. I do it far too much."

"All right, all right. No questionin'." She waved her hands in mock surrender, "…So, I'm assuming you wanna talk when we get home?"

"Perhaps." I said, picking up my menu again, "I'll let you know."

With the issue of Serah dropped as quickly as it had come up, dinner continued on in an uninterrupted manner. Whatever somber emotion had overcome me before was slowly fading away and I found that I was losing myself in Fang's ever effervescent and eccentric charm. She seemed intent on making the day special even though I was just glad to be with her.

We've all reached points in our lives where we've wondered how we got there. Sometimes the feeling is surreal. You're filled with unbelievable happiness and nothing stands to ruin your future. But sometimes… _most _times, that happiness is fleeting and it's replaced with nothing but the soul crushing despondency and monotony of day to day living. I've had more soul crushing moments in my life than happy ones … but tonight was a rare occasion.

Fang talked even though I realized I was barely listening. I think she was used to me being a silence audience, nodding along when the time was appropriate and adding small comments here and there. I didn't want her to stop. I just wanted her to keep on talking. Because if she didn't, I was afraid that time was going to stop and I would find that none of this was real.

I realized, nothing felt as it should. Or rather, nothing felt as I expected it to. It was as if I was waiting for something awful to happen. For some reason, I had this sick feeling of déjà vu. I felt as if I was stuck in a world caught at the mercy of a constantly cycling clock. A world standing on the precipice of destruction and I could do nothing to stop the inevitable from happening. Everyone was at the mercy of time and I hated it. I _hated _it so damn much.

"…Do you ever get the feeling that we're existing in another time?" I asked Fang as she rambled on about some paper a moronic student of hers had submitted for the end of the summer term.

"…Huh?" She asked as I caught her midway in her story, "The _hell_ are you talkin' about, Light?"

"I mean … do you ever get the feeling that your life isn't real?" I asked, "…Do you ever look back at your life and find yourself forgetting certain things or questioning if they ever happened in the first place? I'm just… I'm just having a hard time believing what's happening is real right now."

"You wanna take a breather?" She asked, "We can wrap this up and get everything to go."

I shook my head, "That's not what I meant. I mean… life is surreal. Well, certain things in life are surreal. And I'm having a hard time trying to define what my reality is right now." I took a sip of the drink that she had ordered for me, "Fang… I basically denounced my religion and had sex with another woman all in the span of twenty four hours… _who _does that?"

"…It's hitting you now, I see…" She stroked her jaw in thought, "Lightning, I'll tell you a story. Remember how I told you I was a little hussy running around and spreading my legs for whomever, whenever when we were younger?"

"Yeah?" I asked.

"Okay, yeah. Let's start with that." Fang began, "…The person I am at fourteen and the person I'm about to be at twenty four existed at two different points in one continuous timeline, did they not?"

"Where are you going with this, Fang?"

"Just humor me for a minute, okay?" Fang said. "Fourteen year old Fang dies, figuratively speaking of course and then sixteen year old Fang decides she's had enough of whatever messed up shit she's doing and wants to change her life, yeah? So she goes back to Oerba and lives with her father for the remainder of high school and college because … well… it's pretty much the best thing for her to do at that point in time."

"And?"

"I know you never liked the subject much, but think of it like a math equation. At each point in your life you're given a set of values, Light. And for some people… sometimes those values are trickier to work with than others. You know, more dividing and multiplying than simple addition and subtraction." Fang leaned forward on the table, "And … for you right now, you're working out the problem of … Fang brings you to Yusnaan. That's an addition. Then, Fang lumps heaps of pressure on you to sort yourself out. You either subtract the religion and add a sensuous and steamy relationship with—"

"_Do not _delude yourself." I said, stopping her from continuing with her convoluted way of explaining things, "For such a delinquent you seem to have some insightful ways of explaining things."

Fang shrugged, "Just cause I got a few screws loose don't mean I don't know shit about life, Light. That's _why _the screws are loose."

"Makes stuff easier to deal with, huh?"

"You need a little humor every now an' then to survive, yeah?" She asked me, "But, seriously. Right now you've been given a grander equation than you've had in awhile and you're floundering because you don't know what to do. It's all about equilibrium, you know? Balancing both sides out so that everything fits. …Or getting as close to a solution as you can."

"…Things have always worked better when I ignored them." I said, "…I've always found that my life was easier when I cut off the dead weight and let it fall away without acknowledging it. Better to stuff down feelings than realize that they exist even when I think they don't."

"Certain triggers can still bring shit out." Fang said, tipping her cocktail glass to her lips and downing the rest of her drink.

My eyes lingered on my hand at the thought of her mentioning triggers. For once, no needle, no red thread, no pain. I balled my hand into a fist and placed it firmly on the table, "…So …what you're saying now is that this is reality?"

She nodded, "Uh, yeah. Why wouldn't it be?"

I shrugged and shook my head, "Because I've always known something different. I thought … I felt … I've known …"

"Breathe, Lightning. Try again. I'm listenin'."

"I always thought this would be different after everything is said and done." I said, "I've gone back and forth so many times over the years that I thought I would feel different about everything. But I've stayed exactly the same. …Nothing is different about me that I didn't already know."

"…Which is what I've been trying to tell you for the longest." Fang said as she picked up her fork and twirled it around her plate of spaghetti, "…At the end of the day, the person you're supposed to be exists under whatever you're trying to repress. Bein' gay ain't your entire identity, Lightning. It's only a part of who you are."

"An undesirable part nonetheless." I said and looked away from her when she frowned at me, "…But I'm trying to work through it."

"I know and that's what matters." Fang said as she let her fork drop on her plate.

A loud burst and the crackle of something caught my attention as I stabbed my fork into my salad. I paused when I saw the night sky illuminated by fireworks. An array of blues, reds and green exploded in the sky overhead and Fang titled her head back as well to watch them.

"Well, would you look at that."

"What's the occasion?"

Fang shrugged, "Nothin'. Everyone in this city is crazy and they're always looking for some excuse to celebrate something." She gestured toward the fireworks, "They always have fireworks down on the waterfront on Saturday nights in the summer."

"How festive." I murmured, watching the lights dissolve into nothing.

"Remind you of Bodhum?"

"Somewhat…" I said, leaning back in my chair and closed my eyes. I was starting to get tired. "Do you remember your seventh birthday? Your mom took you, me and Vanille down to the beach and we lit sparklers while she illegally set off fireworks. You were really upset that night."

"Yeah, cause my stupid father didn't show up like he said he would." Fang mused, "And, _wow_, you remember that?"

I nodded slowly, even though I didn't open my eyes, "Why wouldn't I?"

"…Those words sound strangely familiar." Fang said, "I don't know. You always wonder if your memories are as important to someone else as they are to you."

"…My memories of you always have been."

The words slipped out before I even realized I'd said them and I instantly opened my eyes. I looked up at Fang and found that she wasn't looking at me, but back up at the sky. There was a faint smile on her lips, and I could see more of it reflected back in her eyes when she looked at me. "…I'll pretend I didn't hear that if you want me to."

I cleared my throat and nervously brushed my bangs back over my eyes, "We should…we should get going."

"You gettin' tired? Don't think I didn't see you snoozin' over there."

"Yeah... can we? If you don't mind."

"Nah, I'm ready to pack it up myself."

I wordlessly looked back up at her and she waved the waitress over to our table so she could pick up the check. Once we were situated and the waitress returned with Fang's card, she signed and motioned for me to follow her as well. I picked up my bags as Fang did with hers and we walked down the multitude of stairs that led back down to the street.

Fang waited for me at the bottom as I trailed after her and stopped to stare at me for a minute. When I gave her a questioning look, she smiled at me and turned her back. It wasn't until we were walking side by side that she linked the pinky of her free hand with mine.

…I didn't pull away.


End file.
